I’m really worried about myself and I don’t know what to do. I have so much rage that at some point it’s going to kill me.
Today I went out and, well, first of all I feel terrible anyway. I am tired, fatigued, I’ve gotten so fat in the last few years, I am just not the same person since my family ganged up on me in 2013.
Now that’s not to say that was the cause of all of this. I had rage already and since I’d still not recovered from a break up from a really toxic affair the year before I was already weak and ripe for their pickins.
HOWEVER: That second part being said, about the break up, I was angry long before I met him the first time back in 1995. (Long story, but I had two affairs with the same man. He was married to a different woman each time.) I just want to clarify that the affairs with him, or any other relationship with a man I’ve had, were the cause of such anger. It was caused by the shitty environment and treatment of the adults around me while I was growing up.
So now that we have that out of the way…
I have to figure something out or I don’t think it’s worth staying here.
So back to my outing today:
I want to start at the end though because that’s where the alarming behavior comes in.
I was driving through a school zone where the lights were flashing to go 15. So I was going 15. I gradually slow down as I come to a school zone so I don’t have to stop or slow too fast. But I swear every fucking time, I end up with an asshole behind me who wants to be in my trunk.
This pisses me off I think more than anything else than I can think of. But also I’ve noticed the last couple times I’ve raged at/about the incident, there was a build up of other stuff before hand. However, I will say that tailgaters piss me off even if they’re the first stressful thing I come across in the day. That other stuff though, isn’t anything serious or unusual, it’s like I stopped being able to be out in the world.
Here’s my day:
I went to get my address changed on my license and found out that the area where I have to change that info was not open. So it was a wasted trip. First annoyance. I was counting on getting this one productive thing finally done today. Irritated, but still pleasant to the picture taker people who were there today, it was so forced. The last thing I wanted to be was nice.
So driving away from there I was thinking, “Now what should I do? I’m out, I might as well get something else done. I know, I’ll stop at the supermarket.” But after being in that parking lot for a little while, I changed my mind and decided to go to another supermarket. Same chain, just a different location.
This other location has a dollar store near it so I went in to get some sunglasses. The sunglasses rack is in a bit of an inconvenient spot near the register and I kept having to move for people wanting to walk down the aisle since there isn’t enough room for two people to pass. This got annoying.
It didn’t take long to pick out a pair of sunglasses though, because the choices were limited. But then I got in line and the lady behind me wants to be on my heels…or maybe in my butt. I’m not sure. It was getting on my last nerve though.
I can’t stand this. I have asked people to back up in the past and I’ve had mixed reactions. But today I said nothing to this woman.
Once, a woman was standing so close to me in a line that when I went to reach into my pocket, I elbowed her. And then she gave me a dirty look.
“Don’t stand so close and you won’t get an elbow in the rib.” If someone can elbow you while you are standing behind them, it’s a really good indication that you’re too close. Ever hear of personal space?
OK, reel it in, back to today: I get inside the supermarket and it was kind of crowded but not too bad. I was thankful to just be walking inside and not going to the register because there was a very wound up little child running around the register area and I would not have tolerated that very well.
I did notice an old man standing in that same line while that child ran around making all kinds of noise. And he was quite amused with a big grin on his face, which made me smile. It was good to see an elderly man who wasn’t miserable…like my father would have been in that same scenario. And now it looks as though I’m headed in that direction too. 😦
In the produce section, I picked up a couple things and would’ve considered some spring mix in a box if they hadn’t all gone bad. Every single container, the greens were swimming in a swamp. I was disgusted that these would even still be out on display.
At the back of the store, I get this guy behind me and I can hear him back there following rather close behind me and he’s walking at a quick pace…until I stop at the plant milks and he passes me. Argh! I wanted to trip him.
Over a bit more toward the back corner, I find that the butter I buy went up in price and I’m agitated that I need some before I’m able to get to Whole Foods otherwise I’d wait because it’s cheaper there. I know…it was weird to me too.
Around past the bathrooms, and a woman was exiting the bathroom area with a couple kids and a big cart. So I go slow to navigate and not hit the kids with my cart. And that agitated me because a couple times I thought the one kid who had her back to me would dance out to the middle of the aisle and I’d have to swerve to miss her. Grr.
C’mon mom! Teach your brats how to behave in public. I have no problem with a child dancing around, but when a person with a cart is approaching, that’s when a parent or (the adult with the child) needs to say something like, “Let the lady pass and then you can continue to dance in the aisle.”
Newsflash rude and neglectful adults with kids: It’s your fucking responsibility to teach your kids how to be considerate to others. They don’t just automatically know. And if you weren’t taught, go fucking learn or don’t have offspring to perpetuate the fucking problem.
I got around to the registers and I pick a line and wait my turn. The cashier says to the guy in front of me that she hasn’t had a chance to put her name tag on yet. And I immediately think, “Who gives a fuck?”
OK now I know my mood, which wasn’t this bad when I left the apartment was way in the negative numbers at this point. And it didn’t take long to get there.
The guy though, he was friendly and laughed and said something I couldn’t quite make out. And even that annoyed me. I wanted to smack the grin off his face. And he didn’t even do anything. It was all the stress, rudeness, inconsideration and tailgating that accumulated, that I had no tolerance for anything or anyone.
So then it was my turn. I brought my own bags. There was only a little spot to put the stuff down on after she’s done ringing up each item and she’s not bagging anything. So I do it, while she asks me about the Kombucha I’m buying. “Is it good?” “Is it healthy?” “What’s it taste like?” “Is it something new?”
Not only am I trying to keep track of my groceries and get them bagged, but I’m also preoccupied with the Access card I have to hand her once she’s done ringing shit up and stops flapping her jaw.
Once she has the card in hand, because it doesn’t scan anymore, it takes the register what seems like a lifetime to, well, register it, while the line gets even longer.
Every time I go to the grocery store I get anxious because I’ve had so many incidents where the cashier is clueless and takes two lifetimes to figure out how to use the card to ring up my order. Supervisors have been called over five times before the thing gets sorted out. Twice I had to go to customer service because the register registered payment even though I didn’t pay. So I had to wait in two lines! Yeah, that was fun.
I’m always projecting impatience and anger from the people behind me and then I try to tell myself that it’s their problem if they get pissed off and impatient, but it doesn’t stave off the anxiety.
This time wasn’t too bad, it was just the computer system being slow and not the cashier.
I returned to my car, feeling tired and looking forward to getting home. It’s pretty much a straight line home, but it is rare that I don’t have a tailgater on this route.
There is a school zone on the road where they gravitate to me and today was no different.
As soon as I saw her, I started yelling, “It’s 15, I’m not going any faster.” “Back off.” “Why ya gotta tailgate? It’s a school zone?”
I slammed the brakes a couple times to send her a message and cursed her a lot more than that. And wow, was I raging. There’s a chance to speed up for a while after that school zone, but then there’s a light and immediately after the light there’s another 15 MPH area and a stop sign at every corner through this one neighborhood. And she was behind me for every single one of them.
She honked at me when she turned off but I didn’t even realize it was her, or that she was probably trying to get my attention until I was another block away.
Duh, I’m sure she had a finger to show me. Just as well I missed it. But then after all that raging I was exhausted anyway. My whole body tenses when I do that and it takes a lot out of me now. I also get heart palpitations when it’s all over.
I’m truly concerned. Things are getting worse for me and I feel like what I’m doing to improve isn’t going fast enough. I feel hopeless right now. And I’m not even angry at myself anymore for reacting that way, especially since it didn’t really effect her much. I know this is coming from somewhere deep. If I’m angry at anyone it’s my family.
I do think this is a boundary trigger for me. My parents, all my life never allowed me boundaries. I won’t go into them specifically here, I’ve written about them before. And it’s not just my parents but my siblings too. Yes, when we were kids they intruded on me but even that doesn’t bother me right now as much as what happened in 2013 when my father was ill.
They fucked with me so much that my mind twisted my subconscious into thinking of my siblings as my parents.
I’ve caught myself verbally referring to them as my parents after thinking about them or even when just thinking about them to myself.
It happens with them separately too. Sometimes when I’m thinking of my brother, my mind will call him my father and my mind interchanges my mother and sister too, even to the point that my mind has referred to my mom as my sister.
It’s fucking twisted. What the fuck am I going to do?
I also think there’s a feeling of entrapment that keeps me raging as well. I’m trapped in a position in life that I never wanted. I have not been able to be my true authentic self and maybe subconsciously I feel like if I had been able to evolve and grow into my true authentic self I would not be in such a position or this lousy narcissistic town to even be tailgated.
I don’t know. From where I’m sitting, the whole family did some intense damage.