Sorting Thoughts and Emails from My Father + Some Daily Detail

A muscle pain in my back really knocked me out yesterday. Luckily I have a friend who is a massage therapist and she was able to see me yesterday. It helped a lot but I was depressed and completely dysphoric afterward.

I thought about things I’d like to do and things that need to be done and was interested only in going back to bed. But then I did get some writing done by hand first thing in the morning. I was drawn to it to the point of need. A good part of that need was worry of losing what I’d wanted to say.

The mornings, as soon as I wake up is generally the time that my brain starts working in a writing way. I don’t always take advantage of it, but I need to start.

Most of what I’d written though is something I’ve written before, either by hand or keyboard. So that tells me that writing doesn’t release the pain the issue causes all by itself.

And just writing that, I start to feel tired again, I want to give up, throw my arms up and say, “You know, forget it. There must be something more productive to do.”

I’m finding it difficult to get my thoughts organized enough right now to produce an Open Office file that I could just simply upload to Kindle.

Do I really need a table of contents? And if I do can I insert it later? Because I have no idea what it will be if I have one at all after writing. I guess given what I want to publish, would constitute chapters. That would make sense and therefore a table of contents. But just the writing of it alone, and then combining that with the need to put the conscious effort of having to make it Kindle compatible is making me anxious as hell. And again I procrastinate.

But I remind myself I did do something yesterday towards it. In fact what I wrote by pen was much more descriptive and emotional than what I wrote by keyboard a couple days ago. And even if I did write the same ‘scene’ before, there will be something different about the way I wrote it yesterday morning.

And since I had an appointment to see my friend in the morning, I was up by 6:15 am yesterday.

Just to recap progress, I have gathered emails between my father and me and printed them out. I also drew out a calendar of the last and first two months of that year to see the timing of emails. I noticed that there were chunks of silence between emails when he didn’t need something from me.

I also went through other documents, I’d written via keyboard and sorted those into their own folder as well.

Other things to be done:
I want to go through some other emails that I exchanged with a friend who helped me immensely understand the abuse and how emotional abuse and family scapegoating works. I’ll be printing the ones out that pertain to that topic around what was going on at that time: First few months of 2013.

I also have some stuff I wrote by hand in journals that I want to sort through. Hopefully they can also contribute to organizing my thoughts and write something that really illustrates what happened and serves to heal the wounds it created. I’d like to figure out how to give it some background too. I was treated like a doormat and a dumpster for those few months, but the factors that allowed for such an environment didn’t happen overnight or exist in a vacuum. And it wasn’t the first time I was treated like that, it was just the first I was becoming awake and aware to it.

Other Stuff

Exercise: Yesterday was another day of no exercise. But given my back muscle pain that did feel better yesterday was still an issue. When I turned over on the massage table yesterday, I felt the pain shoot through my mid back around to my chest.

It’s a lot better today, but it’s still sore. I’m planning to take my bike out later in the day, before it gets dark. But that remains to be seen. That shouldn’t entail too much back use or even much arm use. It’s really just to get out for fresh air more so than for the purpose of exercise. There’s some little roads I can ride on to enjoy nature and take it easy.

Food: For breakfast (yesterday) I had rice and poached eggs.  The eggs are good that way if you don’t want to eat bread. Later I caved for potato chips. I know much of it was being depressed and looking for comfort. I made a ranch dip from cashews to go with it. That dip is really a dressing recipe and I’d planned to make it anyway to eat on salads with the chicken I made. Thinking that will be my (better) choice today.

That being said and done though, I didn’t eat as many chips as I normally would. I didn’t feel fulfilled or satisfied by them and I stopped eating them before the bowl I’d poured some into was empty. So back in the bag they went. They wouldn’t be here at all if not for my roommate though. Not that I blame him for my weakness. I just wanted to make clear I didn’t buy them.

Sleep: Despite my exhaustion last night I still didn’t go to bed til about midnight. And since I didn’t really have dinner, my stomach was growling. Luckily I can sleep on empty and I didn’t go give in to the hunger. It was too late at night.

This morning I woke around 8 and stayed up. Read a little. I took two other books out of the library besides the writing book I mention in this post. And again, I picked another winner. It’s nothing to do with writing though.

For breakfast (this morning) which wasn’t until about 10 or so I had a banana/peanut butter smoothie, made also with some cashew milk I made myself.

I also talked a little to Mr. B. (my roomie) about selling some stuff and getting out to the garage to sort through the stuff this weekend. He’s a pack rat, but he’s agreeable and knows this shit has to get done. At first I suggested listing on Craigslist and then thought better of it. I think a yard sale, despite having to have it in October will be better. We’ll get rid of stuff in one fell swoop and won’t have to arrange meetings with individual humans to buy things.

And since I no longer care about the cleanliness of the house, because my focus is on what’s needed for us to move,  we are going to start this weekend to bring the stuff around from garage to living room. We live in a small house and the stuff will take up a good portion of the living room. But to hell with dragging it around from the garage the morning of or even the night before. Preparing a bit at a time will relieve some stress.

Depending on what happens at this one, we may have another one the month before we move. Famous last words though.

Update Friday, 6/2/17
I wish I’d written the name of the book I’d mentioned above.
We didn’t have a garage sale the month before we moved. Garage/Yard sales are exhausting.
KIndle ebooks: There’s a project that went onto a back burner. It looks like I wasn’t too clear on why I was gathering emails. Looks like it was for an ebook. I still want to do that, but when/if it happens, it will more likely be for the blog and for insight.