Taking a Break with Clutter Kitty

Ozzy is apparently above the clutter today. Perched on a bin he supervises and dozes off in between, while B organizes a bunch of stuff from a big chest and other boxes.  Usually Oz is right in the middle of the clutter somewhere but there’s not much room so he chose his spot strategically. I think as long as that spot is close to B, Ozzy is a happy kitty.

 

{I have more to share about my story and what was behind my apprehension to get so close in helping my siblings care for my father during his illness. It’s already pretty clear if you’ve read the previous two posts, Because of Our Past and Betrayal is a Mother.

But there is more that includes some shame of my own and brings up other memories too. I just thought I’d take a bit of a break with present day so you can see how peaceful it is at the moment. As much as I complain about B, he is an overall good person. And of course the kitty is really cute.}

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Clearing Clutter

Oz on the dining room table at our old place. He loves to be around clutter. I call him “Clutter Kitty.”

 

After I had a somewhat decent cry after writing yesterday’s post, I decided I needed to DO something. Usually it would’ve been some exercise but I had something I wanted to get done. So that’s what I did.

I decluttered and straightened up my bedroom. And also dusted as I went.

I thought the house we lived in before was dusty. But I’ve never seen dust like it gets in this place. Vents I’m sure are the culprit along with being on a main drag. It’s only 2 lane (as opposed to 4) but still the traffic gets pretty heavy out front, especially during the afternoon/evening ‘rush’ time.

Anywho…I have been wanting to clean up and even pack some shit away for quite some time but depression (I’m guessing) and lack of energy, has stopped me from caring. Yesterday after thinking about how trapped I’ve been and felt throughout my entire life, I felt like the immediate answer was to do a few things.

One big thing was to pack stuff away in boxes like I would if I were moving. And since that’s what I want to be able to do so much, I did just that.

I didn’t pack everything. I kept things out that I will use and need. Some things I packed in boxes and then stored them in my bedroom on the shelves I have in here. I used boxes that tuck neatly into the cubbies that are part of the Ikea shelving B is letting me use.

I took one book case out and packed a bunch of books away. I left one small book case and put the books I kept out on the shelves neatly.

I downsized a big smiley face mug I had been using for pens and pencils. It was a mug that an old friend had given me. I like it but she and I don’t talk anymore and so I felt the need to dispose of it. It’s still in the living room along with my other (bigger) book case. I won’t just throw it away but it’s just that there’s some stuff I need to part with because I think it might be time to move on from certain things.

Some of the other things, things I packed away, I put in boxes for that same kind of reason. Things that symbolize my mother or father, gifts they gave, or in a couple of instance, two things…one I gave my father and one I gave my mother, both of which I now have. Things that came from other family as well. As I wrapped and packed things, I was aware of how a quick, emotional decision would make me just take everything to Goodwill.

With how I was feeling yesterday, it could’ve happened. But since I was aware that that would’ve been an all emotional decision with no reason involved at all, I knew what I was doing was the right thing.

So everything I packed is now in the dining room against a shelving unit we have in there. What’s on the shelves isn’t really accessed so it’s fine there. B asked if I wanted the boxes to go down to the basement, but I said no. I don’t want to put more work into it than is necessary. And he’s got enough stuff down there already.  I think I’m down to one box in the basement that’s mine, containing some Mason jars. I have stuff in the garage, but that stuff can stay there for now as well.

This also feels good in the aspect that I’ve begun packing for a move if and when that happens. I’ve gotten a big chunk of the packing out of the way and since it’s all in the dining room I still have access to it if I should need something or decide to read a book in one of the boxes or something.

As I packed things, I also dusted, filed and straightened up. So I feel like I accomplished something. But I also feel like I have room to think, room to do other things I’ve been putting off and room to breathe.

I think it was also important to do this to help me feel like I’m moving forward, like I’m being proactive in a possible move even if that is months or a year away. My body and psyche needed to feel like it had some semblance of control over something. We have been here for a year but I don’t and have not been able to feel settled or at home here.

But as far as my bedroom is concerned, besides needing more pictures on the walls (which I likely won’t bother with for the reasons above) it looks really nice in here.

Anticipation in Place of Procrastination-Purge

Since I started this blog I have had the intention of moving posts from a blog I used to write on, to this one. In addition my intent was also to type out whatever I felt comfortable sharing here from a drawer full of journals.

I began to transfer from the other blog but then stopped adding new posts from new thoughts. And the journals…well I think there’s a fear of “digging around in the dirt,” even though I know and remember much of what is there.

I think it’s time though. I think my desire to do this is hanging over my head so much that it is preventing me from moving forward. The procrastination is also coming from the feeling of wanting to do things perfectly, organize it all correctly, blah, blah, blah.

But I’m not sure that’s even possible with this kind of shit. Pieces of the past come up in a non-linear fashion so my posts aren’t going to be in order from the day I was born to today. It just isn’t going to work that way.

What I want, pertaining to the paper journals, is to purge this stuff from the paper its on and then burn it.

Edit Sunday 10/8/17: Weird that I come back around to this as I edit all the posts I marked private a while back.
I have been working on organizing my bedroom so I can focus on doing some ebay selling. I have been doing some of that but the past week, my focus has been on organizing.

This morning, I just went through my journal drawers and organized them so it is at least neater in there. I was going to go through and throw some things out and organize different things into piles of categories. But that didn’t happen. It’s not the first time I’ve attempted this either.

It’s too overwhelming and the way I need to do it is to blog the things and then throw them away or put them in bags or boxes that are destined for a bonfire somewhere.

So many goals but that’s where this is.

Thinking First Thing Has to Be First

As you know, (or I’ve talked about it anyway), I started a 12 week program/class to help me heal and recover from childhood emotional abuse and codependency.

I ordered it very soon after we moved because I…well I wanted to get on with it, but also because when I emailed the creator and moderator of it to see if she was going to offer it again in January, she responded by telling me she wasn’t sure because she had been working on something else for therapists. She didn’t think she’d be able to give both projects the attention they need.

So I jumped on it at the beginning of September, so as not to miss out. She has a Youtube channel and her videos are immensely helpful. So I figured the class would be even more so.

I don’t regret signing up. But it turns out she will be offering it again in January. Given the move and my struggle to get settled in, while also trying to work the program, starting in January may have been a better bet for me.

I keep having  outbursts, usually as a result of overwhelm, but also because of my feelings of being out of control. Unfortunately I have not been disciplined enough to take those opportunities and go within, feel those emotions and ride them out. Instead I’ve been continuing the same old habits and behaviors of acting outward, either by raging about it at Mr. B or lashing out at some inanimate object. Today, I threw my office chair down to get to the back of the router to reset it after losing internet connection.

I know a lot of this is from both the change in environment AND the shit this work is kicking up. I’m also overwhelmed by still trying to move in and get settled and feeling really irritated by that since we’ve been here since the end of August.

It’s been difficult because of so much stuff and little space. We down-sized and got rid of a lot of stuff but there is still too much. I can certainly do away with my things that I think are unnecessary but I am not at liberty to do so with Mr B’s things, nor would I want to, as it would take my energy and time.

He’s not interested in parting with certain things and I’m not interested in twisting his arm on the matter. I have more important things to direct my energy toward.

Another thing that has come to my attention (thanks again to bethanyk from Not My Secret).

I have quite a few things that are from my parents’ home together, my father’s apartment (once they were divorced) and gifts my mother and/or father gave me.

And I think much of it is triggering me. Not just because I’m reminded of them and their abuse, although that’s part of it, but also because it reminds me how needy I have been of others in general.

If I parted with every single thing they ever gave me, however, I wouldn’t have a car or blankets on my bed. It’s tough to resist the urge to grab everything and take it all to a dumpster. But much of it can be sold…and to be quite honest, we can use the money.

So…

I have to really start giving myself a big break.  I’m going to continue doing what I can, when I can. It’s easy enough to get the meditations in, if not twice a day, definitely once. I will most likely keep writing and will slowly be working on my time line of events from the age of 0 to present. That’s an assignment from week 2.

I’ve been angry with myself, because I’m way behind. The sections are sent out in weekly increments, so being 7 weeks in and not having finished the intro questions, which I didn’t even catch until I started week 2 and then not finishing other assignments in weeks one, two and three, I’m feeling really behind.

Overwhelm and then paralysis tends to take over. And when I feel overwhelmed, I have outbursts.  It’s like being in a crowd of people and being pushed and pushed, even though there isn’t anywhere to go because there’s a wall of concrete in front of you. After a while, it’s hard not to lose it.

I know I have to go easier on myself. And staying paralyzed isn’t going to get me anywhere but in the same old stagnant place.

I feel like I’ve been pushing, yet slacking at the same time. However, I also feel like the universe (?) has been pushing back with the issues I mentioned in my last post.

So although I feel like pushing back the other way, I’m not so sure that’s the answer.

I need to take a calmer approach. Let go…to a point.

***As I said, the meditations are essential and those will be continued. And I will continue as I can for the next week or two. I am not abandoning this project.*** Edit on this idea below.

However, my waking focus for the next few weeks needs to be on this apartment. It needs to be put in order. It needs to be a place where I can do what I do with efficiency. Being efficient is important to me and that is lacking horribly right now.

This will entail getting rid of things and putting some other things in storage. The garage needs some organizing and although Mr. B whipped our corner of the basement into shape last night, if I put more shit down there, it will need to be organized again. I want to make this MY project because much of the things that are going to be stored are things I’m just going to ‘put aside’ to be sold. Anything not being sold, will be given away either on Freecycle or Goodwill or some other thrift store. Idea edited.

There are prints that my mother gave me that have been agitating me the most lately, given her latest birthday card to me this year.

I had kept meaning to hang them. But they continue to sit un-hung in the living room. It’s not only because I don’t want to put the effort into this place, but also because I’ve had enough of the reminders.

Don’t get me wrong though, and this is where much of my confusion regarding my mother, comes from. Her gifts have always been thoughtful. She has always asked me what I wanted or given me something I may have pointed out and told her I would like to have, to her at one time or another. Or just simply bought something for me she knew I’d like.

And I’ve always loved that about her.

But it’s not these material items I want from her. And I certainly don’t want these things around to trigger me any longer.

It will be a process and I need to feel somewhat organized to even start selling off items. Goodwill trips need no prior organizing and I’ve made several trips there already.  I can’t seem to motivate myself to get out to the living room among the chaos and struggle for a spot to  take photos of these things to sell though. For me to function, I need the place to have some sort of order.

It doesn’t have to be perfect, but I need to be able to move. I’ve gotta make room for me to move somewhat easily around as well, so I can clean and vacuum. I need to get ahead of the fleas…which I also wrote about in the previous post.

I think the fleas are a big message and if I don’t move on that, then the messages will keep coming and just get bigger and more difficult to move around. Enough is enough.

Oh and I am working toward getting my diet in order too. Still struggling with that, but eating better will also help my brain function better.


Update: Thursday 9/28/17: The stuff in red are the things I want to bring attention to. It’s almost a year and some things have changed and other things (unfortunately) the same.

There is truly a separate post pertaining to Lisa Romano’s program. There is much to say there. But I will say here that I did not stick with it. True to form, it’s gone unfinished.   I should not be so hard on myself. There are reasons behind every behavior. I am kicking myself however for spending such a large sum of money on the program, partially because I should know better about myself and how I don’t see things like this through.

Honestly, I do need someone to hold my hand throughout. No amount of on line support works for me. It’s too bad that it had to be an 800 dollar lesson though.

There were issues with the program itself too though. The biggest one being noise on some of the meditations. For such a high price ou would think the creator for a program that is supposed to cater to people with hyper-vigilance issues, would make sure to make a brain wave entrainment recording in a fucking studio instead of sitting on her squeaky home office chair. This sound interrupts some of the meditations and it sucks. My experience was to be just getting into a really good meditation state to be rudely shocked out of it by a squeaky sound. I know it’s her chair because I hear the sound in her YT videos.

I wrote her after the fucking thing was pretty much through to tell her about this. I was too fucking ‘afraid’ to write sooner and complain.  Of course it was too late to get a refund on a program I am not using. It has pissed me off so much that I am not able to utilize any of the program nor am I capable of watching her YT videos anymore without feeling angry.

The other parts of the program are good, but I really need the meditations. They are also decent, with BWE (google it, it’s a cool technology) and the words she uses and her voice is good too. But that squeaky chair ruins the whole fucking thing and although in absolute reality the rest of the program isn’t ‘useless’ as I told her in my frustrated email to her about it, it is to me personally because of that sound/noise that ruins the recording.

I’m also feeling led on because I asked her about the program being available in January and when I got the info that she wasn’t sure, it felt urgent to purchase while I had the chance. When it was released in January and it continues to be rereleased still, I felt completely deceived.   So that’s another reason I have a problem with looking at her face, hearing her voice or reading anything she’s written.

I seriously need to find a place to write about this where it can be seen. I would not have viewed her of having done shoddy work, or deceiving someone the way I felt she did me. But I guess when it comes to making money, that’s what becomes more important.

As for organizing. I am STILL struggling with this. I would get some stuff organized, but shit would get out of place again. I have also begun packing things away for less clutter in the living space plus it will make things easier when we are ready to move or if she kicks us out.  So it’s gone through being cluttered and straightened up. Shit has been moved too. It’s a work in progress still, just to make a long story short and I do not feel at home here at all.

The fleas being a message makes me laugh now. It was just one thing in a series of shit happening. But I do think now that Oz had them when he came here. It’s just that he was not going outside anymore so the fleas had nowhere else to go. Being in a smaller place also probably played a part.

We used a pill that made them jump off of him and die. We kept using frontline, kept vacuuming, used a powder to kill them and then would vacuum. We also used some DE, which may or may not have helped. Eventually, knock wood, they died. We are still using frontline every OTHER month.

And the diet, still a struggle.