Mother’s Day

This is a lonely day for me. I’m not a mother but biologically, like everyone, I have a mother. She is still alive and I miss her sometimes. Today, being the day specifically dedicated to mothers, I am thinking about her a lot. But I’m feeling kind of numb about the whole thing.

I think I’ve begun to put up a wall that blocks any difficult emotion, especially on days that are family oriented in any way.

And that’s because I feel the need to protect myself. I am my own mother, father and sibling now. I cannot depend on any of my family members for any kind of support anymore. And even though I know that cognitively, I know that I have not accepted it emotionally.

Hence the wall…to protect myself. To protect the child within who was not protected as was the case of the adult me too, who was pummeled with guilt, shame, abuse and bullying via family. The proverbial family scapegoat, trash bin and door mat.

But I will say here, although my mother will not see or read it, “Happy Mother’s Day, mom.” I miss you sometimes. And have thought about calling or writing you. But then I remember why I don’t stay in contact.

Despite how hurt I am by your actions and treatment of me, especially while my father was dying, let alone your emotional neglect and enabling of the abuse when I was a child, I wish you well and hope that you are having a nice day and that you hear from your other kids.

I don’t know at this point if we will ever talk again or if I will see you. I want to believe it’s possible. But realistically speaking I don’t think that it will happen that you will ever understand why I stay away. It is beyond disappointing to me that your actions indicate that I am and may have always been expendable to you and certainly not all that important.”

It is sad and shocking to be woken up by abuse only to really see so much more that was abuse all along after being led to falsely believe it was all and only me. How can a mother betray her own child in such a cruel way.

But I can say that since this is the truth I am grateful to have woken up and grateful to those who helped me see what had been going on.”

Advertisements

It’s That Time of Year Once Again

Triangulation+-+Narcissistic+MotherMother’s day is soon upon us and I’m feeling a bit anxious about it. I admit I feel kinda glad I have no obligation to anyone and that I don’t have to make Hallmark a couple dollars richer but still. Mother’s day is a weird day as is the anticipation of it through the week leading up to it. It’s been like this the last few years.

I just went to look through some emails my mom and I exchanged and realized that this is the third mother’s day since I decided on severing ties with my family.

Thing is ties have not actually been severed that long because I just discovered (because my memory craps out on me when I’m stressed out) that my mom and I were still communicating a little through email throughout 2014.

The last email I received and then ignored was sent from her in December of 2014. She wanted to see me while she was in town and by that time, I didn’t want to communicate at all anymore.

The communications between the two of us were civil enough, she’s not a narcissist. She was more like a flying monkey for my sister. And I’m still not comfortable with using that term in reference to my mother.

Edit: Thursday 9/14/17: I’m much more comfortable in using “flying monkey” as a term for my mother as well as other words that are known to offend some people whatever context they are used in. At the same time, I am also more inclined now to tell you that she is indeed narcissistic herself. In the almost three years since I’ve written this, I have woken up even more, learned even more and understand even more about the behavior of my family members and that includes my not so lovely mother.

Not having her in my life hurts the most and I miss her. I knew those emails were going to trigger this emotion but I really wanted to see when the last time was I actually responded to her.

Edit 9/14/17: When I say hurts the most, I’m saying in comparison to how it feels to not be in contact with her and my siblings. But when I think about my brother at times, that can also bring about a feeling of “missing him the most” too. I get sad about my sister, but I don’t ever feel the temptation to contact her that I feel at certain times when I think about my mother or even my brother.

She has sent birthday and Christmas cards since, but no emails and no phone calls.

I feel ashamed though because I wasn’t honest with her when I addressed needing “time away from the family.” I told her I needed to straighten my life out and that my wanting to take time away from the family has nothing to do with grudges or blame and that it was about taking responsibility for my life, that wasn’t the whole of it.  Sure I needed to straighten myself out. I’m still a mess. But I was angry at her and my siblings. I needed to go no contact and I was too fucking chicken to tell any of them the whole story.

Edit: 9/14/17: Reading this now, I feel sad for my self just those few years ago. I have no reason to feel guilty. The guilt likely comes from the fact that honesty is a value of mine. But in this case, honesty had already been utilized. Discussions were had, resolution attempted. Any I got nowhere but blamed and scapegoated. It wasn’t like I hadn’t tried. It was a matter of survival. Besides, it was a good way not to completely burn the bridge. But I still think it may have been better not to say anything. No one asked me why, it was info I offered. It wasn’t necessary to give that lie out. Maybe instead of guilt, see it as a life lesson. It’s not like I had experience in cutting ties with toxic family. I’m human, I made a mistake.

I was pissed off, sad and beat into the ground from all the double standards, all the gas lighting and all the bullying by my siblings and then my mother’s part in the triangulation with my sister and her minimization of my brother’s raging at me. She waved that off as “just an emotional reaction.”

But I couldn’t write or tell her any of that. I couldn’t tell them how I really felt because I was too afraid of the tables getting turned. So they have no idea what I’m staying away for, not really.

But you know, if she had some sort of awareness she would know that her behavior was unacceptable, inexcusable and rather appalling for a mother. And she would take action to address it and maybe even fix it.