Mother’s Day

This is a lonely day for me. I’m not a mother but biologically, like everyone, I have a mother. She is still alive and I miss her sometimes. Today, being the day specifically dedicated to mothers, I am thinking about her a lot. But I’m feeling kind of numb about the whole thing.

I think I’ve begun to put up a wall that blocks any difficult emotion, especially on days that are family oriented in any way.

And that’s because I feel the need to protect myself. I am my own mother, father and sibling now. I cannot depend on any of my family members for any kind of support anymore. And even though I know that cognitively, I know that I have not accepted it emotionally.

Hence the wall…to protect myself. To protect the child within who was not protected as was the case of the adult me too, who was pummeled with guilt, shame, abuse and bullying via family. The proverbial family scapegoat, trash bin and door mat.

But I will say here, although my mother will not see or read it, “Happy Mother’s Day, mom.” I miss you sometimes. And have thought about calling or writing you. But then I remember why I don’t stay in contact.

Despite how hurt I am by your actions and treatment of me, especially while my father was dying, let alone your emotional neglect and enabling of the abuse when I was a child, I wish you well and hope that you are having a nice day and that you hear from your other kids.

I don’t know at this point if we will ever talk again or if I will see you. I want to believe it’s possible. But realistically speaking I don’t think that it will happen that you will ever understand why I stay away. It is beyond disappointing to me that your actions indicate that I am and may have always been expendable to you and certainly not all that important.”

It is sad and shocking to be woken up by abuse only to really see so much more that was abuse all along after being led to falsely believe it was all and only me. How can a mother betray her own child in such a cruel way.

But I can say that since this is the truth I am grateful to have woken up and grateful to those who helped me see what had been going on.”