This may not come as a surprise to some of the people who’ve read my story. And in fact it has crossed my mind in the past.
I have this pattern of realizing things or coming across info and then placing it by the wayside, to maybe revisit later.
I hate that about me. It’s like I learn about it and then forget about it and then have to relearn it.
I mean I remember looking into it before and remember the thing that helped me realize that I’ve had people like that in my life.
I am still struggling with getting past some form of denial about my mother but at least I know that much.
I think I must be in shock about it all concerning her too, even though it was pointed out long enough ago to me that my mother is a fucking narcissist.
I know it’s because she’s my mother and I grew up…as my brain developed, I believed my mother to be the ‘good’ parent. So it is likely that my psyche is protecting me from the devastation of this information by keeping me in some sort of numbness about it.
I sat in bed this morning thinking about my mother’s Machiavellian tactics she used with me when my father got sick and tried to feel the grief, sadness or even anger…and nothing. No emotion. Like nothing at all. It’s like I don’t care.
I mean, I knew then that she was being manipulative, but I certainly didn’t have the name for it, the style of manipulation that she used.
And sure, it’s hard to prove unless you know what the manipulator is actually thinking. And when it comes to my mother, I didn’t really know until the recent email exchange.
This one line (pulled from her last response to me after I’d emailed her to tell her that I felt insignificant to her when she triangulated against me with my sister):
“What I did feel then was that your father’s needs were the primary concern just then”
She is admitting right there, combined with what she actually did (manipulated and triangulated; guilted and shamed me) that it didn’t matter HOW she made sure my father’s needs got met, as long as she made it happen. (And knowing the situation and circumstances, I can also say that she felt the need to make it happen so that she herself didn’t have to care for him.
You would think that in realizing that my mother saw me as and treated me like a pawn in this way that I would break down…that I would cry inconsolably at such a revelation.
So I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s shock and awe or if it’s just that I’ve had enough time to get used to the information that she’s quite narcissistic, that I in fact am not surprised at all.
Here are some links that explain what Machiavellianism is:
What is Machiavellianism in Psychology?
This one has a list of 19 traits. My mother fits 13 of them. I’d say that makes her Machiavellian.
If this is true: “Machiavellianism is most about manipulation for personal gain.” (taken from the article linked.)
And this: “Sociopathy is most about being cold and insensitive to others needs.”
Then would it not stand to reason that someone who is Machiavellian is also at the very least sociopathic, if not a sociopath altogether?
It adds up for me.
The other thing statement in the article: “Narcissism is most about believing you deserve admiration and to be treated differently than others” doesn’t, as far as I can see, fit my mother. However, if you’ve seen something in other posts of mine that you’ve read about her, please don’t hesitate to point it out. I’m very open to seeing what I don’t see yet.
When I read through the traits, the ones that fit, fit in certain circumstances but not all. So that to me seems even more toxic, because of the unpredictability factor.
I still want to at least believe that this was a gradual process for her to develop this throughout her life and not a trait she had, at least while I was a small child. But tbh: I can’t say one way or the other right now. However, I can say that I am aware of and remember the emotional neglect so there’s that.