You are Enough on Your Own: A Letter to Myself

You are truly enough alone. You are whole as one. You don’t need someone else to complete you or make you whole.

Just because there are phrases that humans invented like, ‘the better half’ and ‘other half’, it doesn’t mean they are literal.

It seems to me those words pertain to the partnership and the relationship. The relationship itself is an entity…it’s own being.  So when it involves two people there are halves doled out and roles we take.

But what if that partnership/marriage/relationship ends?

Where does that leave you? If you are only whole with someone else it would leave you broken in half. And although it might feel that way sometimes, it’s not the case. You were whole and complete before you met that person. So why wouldn’t you be complete and whole after a break up?

(Just a hint: You are.)

Sadness and grief is normal. Missing someone you loved and invested in is healthy. And it will most likely leave a void where that person once was.

And that is exactly why you need to stay true to yourself, even in a relationship. Keep in touch with yourself, continue to remember who you are.

Your own interests and friends can help you through and fill that void until you grow strong again.

As an individual you do not need to have someone in order to make a life. You may desire and want to have someone to share your life with, but that person is not your entire life.

You have had a tendency to make a man your life, You’ve revolved your life around him and have even given up much of what you enjoyed before he was your universe.

IYou’ve been guilty of putting the responsibility of your happiness on the shoulders of someone else.

Even healthy relationships end, whether it’s by means of a break up or death. Although this hurts and there is a mourning process, leaving your soul/sole happiness completely up to your partner isn’t fair to either one of you.

This isn’t love. It’s dependency and if you feel you need this person in your life then it can and has become desperation. That’s not the same as wanting someone in your life.

Even within a partnership/relationship you are both still individuals with different needs and wants. You won’t always see things the same way. Finding common ground on the important things and certain values is what matters. If that doesn’t exist, sometimes the way to accept the differences is to part ways.

Too often you’ve compromised your own values just to stay with someone or to insure that he will stay with you. And each time you surrendered yourself this way you chipped off a piece of your own spirit. And you have lost so much of yourself.

There are changes and compromises that are reasonable of course. But if you are not being true to yourself and becoming shaky in your authenticity, that is not healthy, nor is it sustainable.

In the end you will begin fighting for your own true self to emerge again and possibly even wonder if you ever had a true self. And depending on how long and how much of yourself has been lost in all that compromising to please and keep someone else, the harder and longer the road back to you will be.

The key is to know yourself and be strong within so that if someone else decides they don’t want to be with you or needs to leave for their own reasons (even death) you will have the strength and confidence to go on without him.

Taking Not Asking Permission

Terminate the ToxicPeople use the word ‘SELFISH’ like it’s a bad thing. I used to hear it a lot while being guilted, shamed and manipulated into saying yes when I really wanted to say no.

Drawing boundaries is not a bad thing. And saying no is a complete sentence.

The word “selfish” is used in place of the word “self-centered” much of the time. Self-centered is probably the extreme on the ‘SELFISH’ continuum, in thinking the world revolves around one’s self. But being self-ish is a form of caring for yourself, protecting yourself and looking out for yourself. Drawing boundaries is not being self-centered.

We need some selfishness to be able to draw healthy boundaries and let people know what’s not OK and what we won’t do. There is nothing wrong with looking out for your-self. And in some cases you might be the only one who does, so step up for your-self. I’m learning how to do this now and what it really means.

It might only be in the form of ignoring some sort of attempt at contact, but your silence sends a strong message. There are times when words are not necessary to convey a message. Of course confrontation can be a healthy thing but that’s a whole other topic. At times it’s not a good idea to confront, especially if you’ve attempted to discuss and resolve repeatedly and the other party doesn’t get it. At some point, it doesn’t make sense to continue trying to make someone understand.

Don’t let manipulation sway you either. Healthy discussions are good and changing your mind is OK too. But this is where it’s important to really learn how YOU feel. Ask yourself, “Are you changing your answer from yes to no or no to yes because you want someone to keep liking you and approving of you? Or “Is it a genuine feeling within that is coming from authenticity?

Watch for the feeling of resentment. That could be a clue to what you really want to say and do.

Only you will know though, so get to know your intuition. You have your own answers.