Darkness Lifting a Bit

I’m waiting on a couple burgers to cook. Part of the problem is certainly my negligence in taking care of my ‘diet’. Not diet in the sense of restrictions and something to ‘go on’ to reach a particular goal. “Diet” as in what I eat. Like you’d talk about an animal’s diet…what they eat. Period.

There’s a lot to be said for keeping blood sugar in balance, whether my issue is high or low…I don’t know. But I do know keeping it in check makes a difference in my mood and state of mind.

Another thing that helps that I’ve written some about before is kratom. Just like most other supplements though I am sensitive to it and need to be careful. Too much and it does the opposite of what I need it to do and taking it too frequently, I have wheezing issues. It can also feed the rage too. So yeah, it’s a bit of a tight rope. I will go weeks at a time sometimes without taking any.

Today, a short time ago I took some, mixed in with some fresh squeezed grapefruit juice.15 minutes later, I feel less depressed. I feel a bit more organized in my thinking and the darkness has lifted a lot. It also gave me the push within to want to do some things for myself.

Last night I went to a library and wrote out a list in my journal of things I want to have with me in a backpack when I leave the apartment.  Before going to the library, I stopped at Whole Foods to get something to eat. The longer the errands took me the better (ie., speaker asshole) and I was hungry.

When I got back out to my car, I realized I could’ve used something I didn’t think I had with me. (Turns out I did but didn’t know it and so didn’t use it.)

When I got to the library I realized there was something else I could’ve used while I was there and didn’t have.
So I said to myself, “You want to put together a grab-and-go type of bag so that when you want to leave the shit-hole you live in, you don’t have to worry about thinking through what’s needed.”

So I made a list of the stuff I could think of that I would want in a bug-out  bag needed for a local escape. Well, I took care of gathering those things just a little while ago and put them into a small nylon backpack that I have. I did it because I felt motivated as a result of taking the kratom.

I can think of other things I’d like to add but there isn’t room for much, so at some point I will want a bigger back pack, especially so I don’t have to carry multiple bags with me.

My non-traumatized brain likes to keep things simple, efficient and organized.  And I can say, that when kratom is absorbed in the way I need it, I feel almost ‘normal.’  I am able to organize better, I don’t feel like a lead weight while I’m doing chores and I actually feel like being alive.

But again, and I think this is important, there is a sweet spot for me and kratom and I don’t always hit it.   Even the same kind and same dose can have a different effect on a different day.

There’s some other things I want to do too in the next hour or so, and that seems and feels more possible than it did only a couple hours ago.

 

 

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Well, This Isn’t Working Well At All

I am a sensitive soul. I’m not only sensitive emotionally but I am also sensitive physically.

I remember when I first started smoking pot at a very young age. One night I went with a group of friends to the popular roller skating rink in the area. Before going in, we went to the back of the building, where there was a small woodsy area, to smoke a joint. One of my friends’ brother had given her a fatty, for us to share that night.

After we’d indulged, standing in our tight little circle, my head swam and I thought that everyone else had the same thing going on inside their head too.

The next day, the one friend that I hung out with on a daily basis told me things I’d done that I had not remembered doing. One of them included being rather mean to a boy who’d asked me to skate during couple skate.

I was still quite high by the time my mother picked us up that night and when I asked everyone else if they were too, before she got there, they all told me that they’d come down a while ago.

That’s just one example, and because of my sensitivity I didn’t smoke pot a whole lot as a teen, like so many other kids I knew.  I took a bus with kids in high school that would smoke a bowl or a joint at the back of the bus and then go through their classes for the day. I already knew at that point in my life, that if I’d done that, I’d be asleep before homeroom and wouldn’t remember a thing the teacher said in my first class.

Fast forward to present day and more than a month ago, I wrote about going back to kratom.  Well, as I’d expected, I have met the piper that I usually have to pay on the other side of trying to medicate the effects of my trauma.

It is a subtle feeling within, after taking it for this short amount of time, but it’s an explosive effect on the outside.

Seems that it has upped the rage in instances where I am triggered anyway. But the reactions to the trigger are much more intense.

I thought that I was just randomly getting worse. Thinking DBT isn’t working and had a strong urge to quit yesterday. But then I remembered…kratom. Not that I forgot that I was taking it. But that it could have such an effect on me had gotten past me again.

In the first week or two, it was great. Something that would normally piss me off, I could let it roll off my back…just like I used to. Not anything abusive, just some things that are a bit irritating or annoying that most people can simply let go and move on with their day.

For a while that was me again. But now, I guess it’s the accumulation in that part of the brain that is causing the opposite effect, and not only am I back to what was going on before, but it’s making my raging reactions worse.

So off of kratom I go, at least on an everyday basis. I could probably get away with it after it clears out and only then as a once in a while thing, like say on a really heavy depression day.  But as a daily thing, it does more harm than good for me.


That being said, this is not an anti-kratom post. Everyone is different and not everything is for everyone. So please don’t take this as me demonizing kratom.   I know and understand that it has helped many and continues to do so. There are positive things about it.  But there are indications to it and I think that’s important to understand and know.

As someone with Complex PTSD, it does have some indications that it COULD be a problem for me and I’m finding that to be true.

I found this link a couple days ago. My query was if a side effect of kratom could be anger.

There are more unpleasant side effects listed that some people could experience.