Sick of Being in Crisis and Went Back to Kratom

I am not prepared to write about all the details of kratom, but wanted to put this out there because in the past kratom has helped me.

I’ll include some links at the end of this post so that if anyone reading is interested and doesn’t already know about it, they can educate themselves that way. I am open to discussion but I can only speak from my own experience.

First I will say that I stopped taking it before because I do tend to get some adverse effects from it.
I have dealt with heart palpitations and some effects to my lungs…I can tell this when I would laugh, I would sound like an old smoker or someone with asthma.  Anyone remember Mutley from the cartoons of the 70s. I sounded like that. But then I get the same effect from coffee, only not quite as bad.

It’s my understanding that kratom is from the same family or genus, or something like that…but don’t quote me on that.

When I stopped kratom, that effect to my laugh/lungs went away.

It also tends to make me feel a certain type of groggy in the morning, from the previous day. But then I feel groggy anyway. So I guess it’s a trade off in different types of fog (or grog.)

However there’s benefits, which I’ll get into. It’s what brought me back to it, particularly at this point in time when I’ve been feeling so rotten and like I want to be dead.

Being sensitive, I also need to be careful and test it out a little at a time. Since I stopped taking it for almost a year, I am really at square one again, although I know more about it and its effects on my brain and body more so now, than I did last time.

I also want to mention that I had no problem quitting when I decided to do that. I have more of an issue giving up coffee than I did kratom. Once I’ve been drinking coffee on the regular, when I go to quit, I get a migraine for days. When I stopped kratom a little less than a year ago, I had no such problem.

Anyway,
I purchased a few different types and am testing them one at a time. I had a particular mix before that worked well for me before, but I have bought from a different company this time because the other company is one I’d have to access to through Facebook and I am presently not on it.

I received the order yesterday morning and tried a small amount of one kind in some orange juice.(I will mention that most people don’t like the taste of it at all, but mixed in OJ I don’t mind it.)

I noticed a calming/relaxing effect after a short period of time. That being said though, it did not make me any less angry when the dickhead next door, played some music really loud in the parking lot in his car, with the doors open, vibrating our entire apartment. That is an entirely different story, so I won’t get into it here, but wanted to mention that kratom doesn’t make you oblivious and numb to shit around you. And that is not what I’m using it for.

Today I took another kind and mixed it up in my fatty coffee. My fatty coffee is: coffee, butter and coconut milk. After the coffee by itself is brewed in the coffee maker, I transfer it to a pot to heat on the stove and melt the fat into it, because when I add the milk, it cools the coffee down too much for my liking. Once it’s hot again, I add it to my blender and make it frothy.

This morning I just added some of the kratom to the blender with the rest of the mixture. It took a little while, but I am feeling the effects of it now.

OK so I want to be clear about this stuff. This is not something that I’m using to get some euphoric effect.  I am using it to lift the depression so that I can live my life and be somewhat productive. So that I have motivation and drive to prepare healthy food in my kitchen. So that I have drive to stay alive and be productive toward some semblance of independence. So I have motivation to move my body.

It also helps me to feel less like a sore thumb in public. I feel a bit more confident about myself and like I have the right to fill the space that I do.

It clears my mind so that I am able to communicate better with others and I don’t feel flustered when I’m asked something that I may have some difficulty with forming the answer to. Because I can think a little quicker on my feet or if not, I have the confidence to pause and think about it before I say anything.

It helps to organize my thoughts. And it tends to nullify the chronic anger I tend to feel at the world, while not diminishing my healthy emotions.

And then with all of this, there is less anxiety.

That is my experience. I also understand that I will need to be careful with it and it is not going to be in my best interest to take it every single day. The adverse effects though, also show that it is cumulative in my system, which means it’s cumulative in the positive as well. Meaning it is capable of holding the depression at bay for a few days without me taking it.

It’s just gotten too dark and quite frankly the urge to die had been getting too real. So back to feeling better is what I decided to do, despite the piper that needs to be paid as well.

Not without a long term plan though:

I know not everything that works in theory, works in real life, but I have to try anyway.

My thought process is that kratom is a spring board to help me get healthier physically and to help me face the traumatic shit that I feel the need to face, to heal emotionally and psychologically, but has been knocking the wind out of me. So I guess you could say it’s a crutch, but so be it.

Sometimes…in fact, usually, help is needed.

Anti-depressants have been known to help some people get over very big obstacles of debilitating depression, so although I wanted to do all this healing without a crutch, it just isn’t working out.But in my case, anti-depressants have done way more harm than good, so that is not an option as far as I’m concerned.

All I’ve been wanting to do is hide from the world, sit in my apartment, eat junk food and sleep.

That is not getting better. I’m getting worse. And even though I’m in DBT and it is helping me in a few different ways: insight, understanding behaviors, it is not doing much to lift any depression or get me out of crisis.

So this is what I’ve decided to do.

Here are some links if you are interested in knowing more.

Enso Botanicals This site is a good place to start for an overview. Lots of information.

I Love Kratom There’s a blog here and a forum. There is also a list of vendors. It’s a good idea to check out reddit first for reviews on vendors before ordering though. There are some shady people out there who will take your money and not send you the product. So always be careful.

The kratom section of reddit You’ll find a list of topics here from actual people who have written out their experiences with the plant and with vendors. They have asked questions and given reviews. There is a search bar to the right if you have a specific thing you want to know. I will also tell you that just like everything else, this is not something for everyone and so you will find negative things here as well as positive things.

You also don’t have to open an account on reddit to read it or search for info there.


I want to be clear that I am not recommending this to anyone. All I am doing is keeping a record for myself and stating my own experience on this blog and supplying links if you are curious about more information.

I don’t rave about it or swear by it because as I’ve described, I generally have to pay a piper on the other side, even when I derive benefits from some sort of supplement. It’s just the way it is.

But in weighing out my options, for me, this is what I’ve decided on.

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Struggle with Supplements

This can be a curse and a blessing both at once.

With many supplements I can tend to forget that I need to be careful. One type that I’ve recently found out I need to be especially careful of is adaptogens.

And now that I think about it, the other supplements I’ve tried and have had adverse reactions to may have also been adaptogens.

Two of those are kava and kratom.

Kava I can live without. Ok, well I can live without both and have been doing that but kratom also had some great benefits as well as some adverse issues for me.

But first kava: That stuff would do it’s job at night, making me tired as hell so I could sleep. But then sleep has not really been an issue for me for the most part. Sure I’ve had nights where I had difficulty sleeping, like when I’ve been angry or had too much coffee that day or drank it too late in the day. (I am super sensitive to coffee too.)

I admit, I used it a couple times for that sleepy, drugged out feeling. The main problem with kava though is that it makes me so agitated the next morning to the point of being mean.

With kratom, that’s a bit more complicated. There are different strains of this leaf. Red, green, white and yellow. There may be more, but those are the ones I’m familiar with.  I’m mostly familiar with the first three. I tried yellow once but don’t remember much about the effects other than it didn’t do much for me.

The red strain, which is indicated mostly for pain but also sleep, did pretty much the same as kava so I didn’t take that often, even though I had some. I actually had built up a collection of the three strains, but the red, I tended to hold onto since it had the worst adverse effects for me. I still liked to play around with it once in a while mixing it with other strains or just downing some for the sleepy feeling.

I’m not saying this like it’s a good thing. It was a form of emotional numbing when I’d take the red, for sure.

The green and white was my mix. If I mixed the right ‘brand’ and right amount of each, this would take every single trauma symptom away. I felt…well…normal. I felt confident to go out in public. I was more tolerant than I usually am. I was patient, I was friendly again, no hyper-vigilance, I had drive and motivation. It was like a miracle. Because I also wasn’t hyper, like I tend to get on coffee.

But like with every other supplement that gives me such “miraculous” results there was a price to pay on the other end. And those adverse effects weren’t always consistent, so for quite some time I felt it was worth it since, while kratom was in my system, there was no more PTSD. I mean who wouldn’t want that?

But, the white gave me heart palpitations at one point. So I stopped taking that but the green alone would only make me tired.  So I would stop it all for a period of time and introduce it back. And for a while, other than making me tired at night (which was fine with me) I wouldn’t have an issue. I’d go back to taking it daily and all felt fine.

But when I started to wheeze as if I’d been smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, I became alarmed and wondered what the hell it was doing to my lungs and still my heart, since I had not forgotten about the palpitations.

What made me think of all the above this morning is that I had taken some maca yesterday. And this happened once before, which is why I think I may have been able to put two and two together.  It made me agitated. Now I took four capsules after building to it and not feeling much of anything previously. But it turns out that 4 capsules is to many.

The agitation was awful. I was pissed off at everything. Pissed about having to go to DBT group last night. Pissed that B for some reason left the lid for the laundry detergent loose. Pissed that I had to drag the recycle bin back into the garage, still full of trash because B had mistaken yesterday for a recycle day. Pissed that the blanket and towel he washed yesterday were damp because he ‘thought they were dry’ and took them out of the drier too soon.  And what kicked it all off, was that the cat threw up (again) while I was trying to get myself together AND get something done before I had to drive the half hour to DBT.

Maca is supposed to help with stress, not cause it. But apparently too much will have the opposite effect it’s supposed to. I also decided to take it for female hormone imbalance, not just cortisol.

With this one, I’m not sure if I’m going to continue taking it. I could just down the dose and take one or two caps. But when I read that it could cause the thyroid to have problems, I took pause and need to take that into consideration.

I’m so sensitive that when I take magnesium at night, I still feel groggy from it the next morning.  And that’s just magnesium for fucks sake.

When it comes to putting anything into my body, I have to remember that I am super sensitive. And sometimes I forget.  This can be a curse because the effects can be so harsh. But I see it as more of a blessing because it’s an easy way for me to tell that what I’m doing is probably not a good idea. It’s an added bonus that the warning signs display themselves so quickly so I’m not grappling to figure out what is having the effect.

Moral of the story: Listen to your body. Just because everyone is raving about a supplement and they are having good results doesn’t necessarily mean you will. I know this is really true for me anyway.

What’s your experience with supplements?