Seeing My Mother

I was in some building. I think I was interviewing for a job where all the women… and they were all women, wore suits. Even the meeting room, which contained big tall fir trees in pots, wore colorful tree size women’s suits.

It was a not so clear message and I was out of place. The meeting room filled with one by one with women in suits.  I didn’t dress anything like them. I was in a skirt at least, not something you normally find me wearing. It was a dark teal(ish) skirt and blouse set, made of a rayon type material. Even in that I didn’t feel comfortable. I remember thinking how ugly some of those suits were and dreaded the idea that I’d have to wear a suit too if I were to work there.

After the meeting, I was in the large, spacious and vast lobby, getting my belongings together and putting them into a back pack. A young woman, with dark straight hair, which she wore in a pony tail, walked in and recognized me. She said hi from near the door while I was a few yards away from her at a table. I said hi back, but I had confusion on my face.

I asked her if I knew her and she reminded me of who she was. (I don’t remember what she said about that.) She approached me and said, “We might as well talk while I wait for your mom.”

“Oh,” I said, “Then I’m leaving now.”

This woman didn’t know the situation between my mother and me and although I feel shame and don’t openly talk about it (except for here and in therapy), in that moment and in this dream, I didn’t care if she knew.

She asked me why and I told her, “Because I don’t speak to my mother anymore.”
With that, I put my back pack over my shoulders and walked to the door.
Just as I went for the door knob, the door opened from the outside and there I stood face to face with my mother.

I brushed past her and bounced down the front steps of the building and walked down the walkway leading to the sidewalk and rounded the corner a few feet down the sidewalk. My mother then asked me a question:”Did you hear ___________? (I’m not clear now what she asked, but it was about a mysterious sound.

I turned to face her from the sidewalk, standing by the grass that belonged to the bldg I just left. I answered her, she didn’t hear me, so I cut across the grass to get closer to answer her again.  I also felt the hope that this would turn into more of a meaningful conversation.

I answered, “No, I had not heard them.”

She turned and walked through the door.

I turned and started down the sidewalk toward home.