This quote from Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He’ll Change, helped me understand certain behaviors of mine within relationships. The book itself helped me understand why I chose the ass-hats I’ve chosen.
“Why does the idea of changing someone unhappy, unhealthy or worse into our perfect partner appeal to us women so deeply? Why is it so alluring, so enduring a concept?
To some, the answer would seem obvious: Embodied in the Judeo-Christian ethic is the concept of helping those who are less fortunate than ourselves. We are taught that it is our duty to respond with compassion and generosity when someone has a problem. Not to judge but rather to help; this seems to be our moral obligation.
Unfortunately, these virtuous motives by no means entirely explain the behavior of millions of women who choose to take as partners men who are cruel, indifferent, abusive, emotionally unavailable, addictive, or otherwise unable to be loving and caring. Women who love too much make these choices out of a driving need to control those closest to them. That need to control others originates in a childhood during which many overwhelming emotions are frequently experienced: fear, anger, unbearable tension, guilt, shame, pity for others and for self.
A child growing up in such an environment would be wracked by these emotions to the point of being unable to function unless she developed ways to protect herself. Always, her tools for self-protection include a powerful defense mechanism, denial, and an equally powerful subconscious motivation, control.”
This time around, I’ve chosen someone indifferent. (Which is why the word written above, is in red, bold, italics and underlined). Don’t underestimate the damage this type can do. If response from another person is important to you, it will be hell. It may even be a catalyst into driving you into the arms of someone else, who actually does respond.
Escaping this might seem easy. I mean he wouldn’t care if I left. But at this point there are other factors of dependency. That being the big one. But until I realized it, I think I was futilely continuing to attempt to get something I now know he isn’t even capable of giving. I thought maybe therapy would help but he’s so apathetic and is such an empty pit, it made no difference.