Denial and Control: A Quote from Women Who Love Too Much

Indifferent EwokThis quote from Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He’ll Change, helped me understand certain behaviors of mine within relationships. The book itself helped me understand why I chose the ass-hats I’ve chosen.

“Why does the idea of changing someone unhappy, unhealthy or worse into our perfect partner appeal to us women so deeply?  Why is it so alluring, so enduring a concept?

To some, the answer would seem obvious: Embodied in the Judeo-Christian ethic is the concept of helping those who are less fortunate than ourselves. We are taught that it is our duty to respond with compassion and generosity when someone has a problem. Not to judge but rather to help; this seems to be our moral obligation.

Unfortunately, these virtuous motives by no means entirely explain the behavior of millions of women who choose to take as partners men who are cruel, indifferent, abusive, emotionally unavailable, addictive, or otherwise unable to be loving and caring. Women who love too much make these choices out of a driving need to control those closest to them. That need to control others originates in a childhood during which many overwhelming emotions are frequently experienced: fear, anger, unbearable tension, guilt, shame, pity for others and for self.

A child growing up in such an environment would be wracked by these emotions to the point of being unable to function unless she developed ways to protect herself. Always, her tools for self-protection include a powerful defense mechanism, denial, and an equally powerful subconscious motivation, control.”

This time around, I’ve chosen someone indifferent. (Which is why the word written above, is in red, bold, italics and underlined). Don’t underestimate the damage this type can do. If response from another person is important to you, it will be hell. It may even be a catalyst into driving you into the arms of someone else, who actually does respond.

Escaping this might seem easy. I mean he wouldn’t care if I left. But at this point there are other factors of dependency. That being the big one. But until I realized it, I think I was futilely continuing to attempt to get something I now know he isn’t even capable of giving. I thought maybe therapy would help but he’s so apathetic and is such an empty pit, it made no difference.

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Blindly Dedicated

DSC03026poem

 

This poem was written (by me) in the latter half of the 90s to a very emotionally unavailable man. I was too, but was so caught up in the chemistry, the chemical addiction and at the time, little did I know, trauma symptoms from days gone by. And I just thought it was romance. I was so unaware, I might as well have been sleeping.

It wasn’t love so it wasn’t true…like the poem says it was. So it was indeed wrong. I pushed him away too and was emotionally unavailable myself. I was attempting to pull at something, at someone that wasn’t really there.

I thought he felt the same as I was indicating in the poem. I was going by his words though and the way I felt when we got naked together. I was going by how intense it all felt. I was “getting off” on the roller coaster ride.

I wanted to be his special one. I wanted to be “the one.” I wanted to be his soul (sole) mate. And even through my own guilt, confusion, contradictory feelings, I clung. I dug my heels and finger nails in, like I was fighting for my life, while hanging from the edge of a cliff.

I repeated this a little more than a decade later with the same unavailable guy. And I know now that I was like a drug addict. He used to tell me I was his kryptonite. And I think he was more like my hero-in… the drug that is, not some superman.