Sometimes living with a non-observant and somewhat oblivious man has its advantages. The bad really does outweigh the good though.
It’s one reason I suppose I don’t love him. But I have my moments when I want to be left alone. But then if he noticed and took care of me the way I want to be, then not being left alone and in fact comforted, would be something I’d welcome.
Today I left to walk over to the nearby convenience store for coffee. I told B I was going and asked him if he wanted something. He didn’t and I was on my way. I approached the corner where I need to cross and a car sat waiting at a STOP sign, for its opportunity to make its turn.
Thinking as a pedestrian that I had the right of way as well as seeing other cars still coming down the road, I attempted to cross the small road, in front of the car at the STOP sign.
Well, apparently I am invisible, because the shit behind the wheel came close to hitting me with his SUV. Once he’d made his turn, I turned and showed the back of his car my middle finger. He likely didn’t see that either.
I’ve been so emotional anyway because Christmas without a family sucks.
But I am still recovering from an argument B and I had last night that revolves around him getting out of debt. So it would not have taken something so scary as nearly getting plowed by a shitty driver, to make me cry again.
I could feel the tears wanting to break through and I walked right past that convenience store. I found myself having a tough time breathing and my chest was heaving hard. I started to cry. Not in buckets, but my eyes just leaked as I continued to walk. I could not wait to get back home, even though I knew I would not want to talk about it. My anger from the night before had still been lingering so conversation was not something I looked forward to.
B heard me coming up the steps to the apartment though and he opened the door for me. But then walked away from it, so all I had to do was swing the door open a bit more so I could fit through.
I walked past him without coffee and into my bedroom. I shut the door but had to go back out for something else…I don’t remember what now. At that point Oz took the opportunity to begin coming into my room but stopped halfway in the doorway.
I said with such obvious lack of patience, “In or out” and reached down to nudge him one way or the other. He chose out and I shut the door to be alone and cry.
I cried about everything that had just piled up in the last few hours: The invitation from my sister, the lie I figured out, the fool I felt like as a result, the near miss with a car and the chaos that always seems to ensue when I attempt to just try to be alone, shut the door and be alone.
It took me a little while to cry it out and still B never even noticed or asked about the coffee I set out to get myself. When I calmed down, I made my own coffee and a late breakfast. So really it worked out because what I ate was a ton healthier than the pretzel I would’ve bought and the coffee I made myself is much better quality than what the convenience store offers. So at least something good came out of it and in fact, even in that moment just before I began to cry, as I walked past the store, I had a thought: “Maybe this is a sign for me not to go into that store, for me not to have that coffee or that pretzel.” (Or perhaps just an opportunity to make a much healthier choice.)
Although it was a relief for me in this particular situation that the man I live with did not ask me why I didn’t come back with coffee, I still think about how nice it would be to live with a man who did notice and see the distress and ask in an empathic way, what had happened or what the matter was.
And after I told him he’d say “Aw honey, I’m so sorry,” hug me and then offer me a back rub or a foot rub or a neck rub or whatever the fuck rub I wanted.
But I won’t get that from B. He never even noticed I showed back up without coffee.
Final note: As I write this, much later after all this shit happened, Oz is asleep right next to my electric heater. It’s a particularly favorite spot of his in the winter time. His little sleeping face is so damn adorable and I feel ashamed at my impatience earlier and in general that he ended up living with such a hot head.