It is also the cause of my so-called personality disorder. It is the cause of me not being able to let go and move on from the abuse. Although I am not minimizing it. I am not saying I should or that I need to forgive them. They don’t deserve any forgiveness, given no one has apologized. They can all go fuck themselves.
What I do want and need though is to move forward with my own life and holding on to the anger is like “drinking the poison myself and expecting the other people (who I’m angry at) to die.”
It doesn’t work like that. As if I have to tell anyone that. But when you’ve been abused and screwed over and manipulated and triangulated and raged at by people who are supposed to have your back, it’s difficult to let go of that anger.
That being said, there is nothing wrong with being angry. Anger is a self protectant to let you know that something isn’t right. Sometimes we jump to the wrong conclusion but I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about the times we are right.
Emotions are a big part of intuition and all emotions are part of what makes humans tick. And many humans don’t like emotions, because if you are hip to what these assholes are up to, which is what your emotions help you realize, then they can’t get away with what they want to do.
My point is, that when our emotions get dowsed by years and years of being led to believe our emotions are wrong, when they are actually right and being treated in ways that indicate that our true emotions aren’t welcome in the presence of the grown ups we depend on, we start to dissociate. We become numb, or we actively set out to numb ourselves with beer, pot and food. (Those are the things I used.) I’m still using food from time to time. But getting better about that too, since I know how to make healthy stuff taste good, as well as understand that more than just vegetables are healthy. (Digressing.)
Eventually though the emotions build up over a period of time and they need to escape somehow. Either we get sick, as the emotions we were not permitted to feel leak out into our cells. Or we explode in anger at every perceived slight, whether real or not. Those emotions cannot stay hidden forever. They will make themselves known one way or another. That’s just the way it works. They need a place a go.
I am writing mostly about anger in this particular post but fear is also a factor…as most know and connect the responses of the adrenals with fear. But fear underlies a lot of anger humans feel. I think about a dog who is injured and lashes out, growls or bites. He comes across as angry but it’s more to do with fear than anger. In addition years of living in fear can lead to anger. I would love to hear the opinions of those who lived in fear of their abusive care-takers/parents when they were kids, on this.
When held in and back for decades the emotions cause stress on our organs. And since the adrenals are the organs that handle the cortisol, which is the hormone released when a human is presented with a stressful situation, the adrenals get completely overloaded. if as a child you had to live through gas-lighting, manipulation, triangulation, minimization of emotions & experiences and any other kind of abuse, the adrenals take a beating.
When we are not able to release the anger we feel from being threatened, because showing our own anger will result in even harsher consequences, that shit builds over a lifetime.
I can’t even begin to tell you how many stories I’ve heard from men, who were beaten and/or berated by their fathers as children. And when they were big enough, they finally took an opportunity to turn it around on that abusive father. Most of the time, no violence was even necessary from the son. Just letting his father know that he was big enough now to never take another punch from his bully fuck father, was enough.
But that shit stays. It creates scars that people on the outside can’t see.
I really don’t know how to bring this back to the adrenals in a way that truly flows. And I’m not scientific enough in the way I think to explain how it all works. I just know that stress is connected to the adrenals. I know that cortisol is released when we are threatened and when we are abused we feel threatened.
When we are kids, we usually have to freeze, particularly when the abuser is an adult. If we fight, we are not anywhere close to strong enough and the consequences are worse. And I’m sure that (in my case) if I ran, the consequences would not have been positive. So freeze was the only choice and in fact wasn’t even a choice. It was what my body automatically did. There was no thought involved.
Stress diminished the capacity to think, which is caused by an over-abundance of cortisol being released. Our bodies are amazing and can survive a lot. But they were not designed to thrive on acts of abuse. The body will simply go into survive mode and as a result we become incapable of so many things we’d otherwise be capable of.
This is why I call abusers thieves.
Because we become more and more exhausted as the years go on when the fight, flight, freeze response becomes chronic. In fact it becomes a response (hyper-vigilant) even when it’s not necessary because the body/adrenals become locked into that response as a result of the repetitive reactions when it WAS necessary.
The abusers who caused this are thieves because, how the fuck are people who live with a cortisol imbalance and PTSD supposed to live a productive life???
That being said though, it is possible. I believe that there is an answer to most if not all problems. It’s finding the answer that can be difficult.
Here’s a decent article about cortisol and it’s connection to “mental” illness.
Quotes are because I don’t believe that the illnesses listed in the DSM are mental. They are very real and all physical. I know it’s not a popular belief, and it’s an uneducated one in the realm of colleges and universities (read, institutions). But that is what I think and believe from what I myself in my own body have experienced and from all the reading I’ve done.
Ok, so here’s the damn article. Lol
In the fourth paragraph the author writes this: “Otherwise, cortisol levels build up in the blood which wreaks havoc on your mind and body.” (Bold mine.)
I believe and think it should say, “…brain and body.”
The mind is a thing, a complicated one to describe and explain at that. But it is not the same thing as your brain.