Seeing My Mother

I was in some building. I think I was interviewing for a job where all the women… and they were all women, wore suits. Even the meeting room, which contained big tall fir trees in pots, wore colorful tree size women’s suits.

It was a not so clear message and I was out of place. The meeting room filled with one by one with women in suits.  I didn’t dress anything like them. I was in a skirt at least, not something you normally find me wearing. It was a dark teal(ish) skirt and blouse set, made of a rayon type material. Even in that I didn’t feel comfortable. I remember thinking how ugly some of those suits were and dreaded the idea that I’d have to wear a suit too if I were to work there.

After the meeting, I was in the large, spacious and vast lobby, getting my belongings together and putting them into a back pack. A young woman, with dark straight hair, which she wore in a pony tail, walked in and recognized me. She said hi from near the door while I was a few yards away from her at a table. I said hi back, but I had confusion on my face.

I asked her if I knew her and she reminded me of who she was. (I don’t remember what she said about that.) She approached me and said, “We might as well talk while I wait for your mom.”

“Oh,” I said, “Then I’m leaving now.”

This woman didn’t know the situation between my mother and me and although I feel shame and don’t openly talk about it (except for here and in therapy), in that moment and in this dream, I didn’t care if she knew.

She asked me why and I told her, “Because I don’t speak to my mother anymore.”
With that, I put my back pack over my shoulders and walked to the door.
Just as I went for the door knob, the door opened from the outside and there I stood face to face with my mother.

I brushed past her and bounced down the front steps of the building and walked down the walkway leading to the sidewalk and rounded the corner a few feet down the sidewalk. My mother then asked me a question:”Did you hear ___________? (I’m not clear now what she asked, but it was about a mysterious sound.

I turned to face her from the sidewalk, standing by the grass that belonged to the bldg I just left. I answered her, she didn’t hear me, so I cut across the grass to get closer to answer her again.  I also felt the hope that this would turn into more of a meaningful conversation.

I answered, “No, I had not heard them.”

She turned and walked through the door.

I turned and started down the sidewalk toward home.

Advertisements

The Cat in the Dumpster: Trigger Warning Even Though It Was a Dream

I stood on the patio of a building that was a few yards from a residential road. There was an awning above me and a driveway to my left, just a few feet across a patch of grass.

As I took a long draw from the cigarette I’d been smoking, I watched a woman approach two men that had been dumping trash into a dumpster at the curb.

The woman had been cradling a cat. She held it out and patted it on its side. One of the men did the same as if showing he’d understood her demonstration. The other man then smacked the cat on its side repeatedly, as if exaggerating the pat the woman illustrated.

I gasped at the force used on the cat and could hear his hand making contact. But I continued to watch the interaction from where I stood.

The woman then handed the cat over to the first man and he put it in the dumpster. The woman walked away, down the road.

Even from where I stood, I could see that the second man started to cover the cat with one of those light weight, translucent trash bags.

I’d become omnipotent to a point and could see straight down into the dumpster, although I was still standing on the patio.

I thought, “How could he do something like that?”

It was a strange subtle move to suffocate the cat. I knew this somehow.

I dropped what was left of the cigarette to the ground and walked toward the dumpster. Just as I approached the side of it,the men turned away. It would not have mattered whether they saw me or not. I felt calm and determined about taking the cat.

However, I still I felt as though their not seeing made what I wanted to do, easier.

I reached in and claimed the cat.

I carried him away and said, “I don’t know what I’m gonna do with you but I can’t let you die in a dumpster.”

Car Crash, Seeing ‘Friends’ and Being Fucked With

dashcamcrash

Image from The Telegraph But was taken by a dashcam

This morning I was awoken out of dream by my alarm but the dream hadn’t completed itself. It was frustrating because I would’ve liked to have seen where it would have actually ended.

From what I can remember now, it started with me driving somewhere while an old friend of mine’s sister-in-law was following me in her car. But then we pulled over at a busy intersection with not only vehicle traffic going on, but also pedestrian traffic as well. There were lots of stores and the area reminded me of how a city would look in the 40s. My friend’s sister-in-law and I spoke to each other about something I don’t remember and that was the end of that ‘scene.’

Next thing I know I’m in a car (a Mustang) in the passenger seat while someone, I’m not clear of who, was driving. (Maybe it was my friend’s sister-in-law.)  At one point when I was saying something to the driver, I looked over and saw s/he was gone. The car was driving itself in the dark on a long stretch of highway. At that point it was going under a long tunnel. Still in the passenger seat I realized (calmly) that I needed to get in the driver’s seat.

So I climbed over and attempted to take control of the wheel, but the car was going pretty fast and I found it difficult.  My visibility was low and it was dark. I was trying to slow down but the car seemed to have a mind of its own and wouldn’t let me. I put my seat belt on. The steering wheel shook.

While going at a high speed, suddenly my friend Jackie (someone I was close to in high school and some years after) was in the passenger seat and we were talking. What about? I don’t remember.

We came to a T in the road, where there was no going straight anymore, and only had the choice of going left or right. I slammed the brakes and turned the wheel to take the right turn but the car was going too fast to cut it.

The car skidded and I saw it careening toward people who were standing on the sidewalk in front of a building. When the car crashed into the side of that building, smashing the driver’s side, it just missed hitting the people.   After crashing into the wall, the car bounced off and flipped a few times. Somewhere in there, I mentioned to Jackie about putting her seat belt on because she hadn’t been wearing it.

The whole time I was calm though.

The car came to a rest on its tires and we got out of the car. Plenty of damage was done with dents and scrapes and scratches all over the car.

A man came over and said some things to Jackie that I don’t remember and took the car somewhere to look at it and possibly repair it.  I think the car was supposed to belong to my friend Jackie.

After that, staying in the same place, (which was this building where a bunch of us were gathered, vaguely remembering, it was like a social thing) I left that area and passed by a girl whom I’d been friends with in my junior year of high school.

I’d ruined the friendship in real life and that was picked up in the dream. She and I said hi though and I kept walking because I didn’t want to bother her, for one thing, but I am pretty sure I was looking for someone in particular or perhaps a group of people.

I came across my friend Topher who told me he was going to help me buy a car (I think.) We started to walk toward a door to leave and when we got there, I opened the door and walked out first. He let the door shut while he was still inside and when I turned around to see this, he laughed at me.

This was a clear message that he’d been bullshitting and playing with me and didn’t mean what he’d said. I remember feeling hurt and angry and also helpless.

After that I remember sitting on a rattan couch (or love seat kind of thing) and talking to Janet, the aforementioned friend from 11th grade, whom I’d ruined the friendship with. I remember feeling so anxious talking to her because, although I was happy to be talking to her, I knew it was fairly superficial. The closeness was gone and she was definitely not going to let me get too close.

This caused me to fight myself because I wanted things to be the way they were in high school between us. I wanted to say something, whatever would put things back to the way they were. But I also didn’t want to smother her, nor did I want to be rejected. It felt lonely and a little fake and I regretted so much what I had done to ruin the friendship. I just lapped up whatever time she’d give me and hope and try not to say anything wrong.

(NOTE: Yes, I was feeling this in the dream about an actual event with this friend while talking with her and spending whatever time she’d give me in the dream. In real life, I had really screwed up this friendship.)

After that, I walked into a room to gather some things that I guess belonged to me. I went to a sink, one of those deep sinks you see in a restaurant kitchen, which was full of water. From it, I picked up a couple round pieces of wood and something else I’m not clear on.

The measurement of the wood was the circumference of a telephone pole and about three feet in length.  I hoisted all of this over my right shoulder and walked through another room where people were sitting at long tables, almost like picnic tables, and talking.

As I started walking up a set of steps after crossing that room, I noticed Topher sitting at one of the tables talking to a woman.  I looked over at him with a hurt look on my face and when he glanced over at me, I looked away and continued walking up the steps, lugging those pieces of wood on my shoulder.

That’s when my alarm went off.

Once I started groggily reviewing the dream in my mind, I began to make other associations to things that had taken place in my life. I came to the conclusion that the behavior I’d displayed was very narcissistic.

I wanted to write the dream out right away but I needed to get over to visit a dog and get her outside and feed her breakfast.

The more time passed this morning, the more stunned I felt about the fact that as a result of my parents abuse, I’d not known how to be a friend and maintain a friendship. Not that I hadn’t known this already, especially logically. But the realization was penetrating deeper, into my soul maybe. My body went into defense though. I would have liked to have cried, but I’m still numb, hard like a wall.

Before sitting to write this, I just felt stunned.

Edit Friday 9/15/17: Reading through this again I took more notice of the parts involving a car. No one in the driver’s seat and crashing. Even driving someone else’s car. Lots there to be interpreted.