DBT Group Session Goes Wrong Part 2

To understand this post read this one first.

I was scheduled for a therapy appointment today but after last night I had been on the fence about going.  I was such a wreck last night that I couldn’t sleep and I had a bad headache from all that uncontrollable crying. In addition to that I’d also felt a sore throat coming on before I even went to group.

So at 7:30 am I texted my therapist telling her I wasn’t going to make it and went back to sleep.

I woke up at noon to a message bin full of messages from her. Actually there were two, but the second one took up five messages and is what this post focuses on in continuation to the fiasco of last night.

The responses I wanted to (but didn’t) give are after certain parts of her message are in parentheses in red. So if you can’t see the red in the ‘reader’ please click to go to my actual blog.

Message: So the dbt team has decided that you are expected to give a repair to T2, (this is where I started shaking. And I was like, WHAT!!!??? Like they are the puppet masters and I am to do what they say. The grand masters have decided…said in a deep guttural tone of voice…and I have no say or no control over how I respond) myself and group for leaving in the middle of group session.

I understand you were upset (You understand nothing. I was crying uncontrollably. You gave no fucks what I was dealing with.) and you are expected to use skills to stay in group. (Oh. My. God. Fuck your skills. This was a traumatizing event. This was handled like shit. I understand you guys had a group to conduct… no wait… you had a JOB to do right? Because after all isn’t that all this is for you? You kind of proved that in group last night when you tried to appeal to us group members’ sympathy (?), while talking about phone coaching by saying, “You know, it’s not like we get paid for phone coaching.” Like wtf? And your clients should be concerned about that for you, WHY??? Talk about inappropriate!) 

Due to this you missed one of the most needed skills.(Can you say condescending guilt trip! So fucking manipulative! Oh and because this is so much more important than the fact I was crying uncontrollably and had just been traumatized by not one, but TWO therapists. I’m wondering if you texted this to the other group members who couldn’t be bothered to show up at all last night. Because if you didn’t, this part of the text also demonstrates double standards. So much abuse in one little sentence…hooda thunk?!?)

You are more than halfway through dbt (condescending and more guilt tripping) and sometimes it is necessary for the treatment team to make decisions that may feel uncomfortable  or invalidating (Uncomfortable or invalidating??? Try traumatizing. Now we’re looking at minimizing. Let’s see how much more manipulation you’ve dealt out in this one text.)  in order to create change. (You mean damage. You are creating damage. You see, making a repair (apologizing) to you and T2 would actually be humiliating (which is actually the least of it) and RE-traumatizing, not to mention a big fat lie. Because I’m not sorry for leaving group. I did it for ME. For myself because, I deserved to be treated with much more respect than I was given.

T2 waved me off like I didn’t matter. And now I’m sure I don’t matter to him. And that’s OK in the big scheme of things. His opinion of me is none of my business. But when it becomes action and I’m treated with behavior that damages me further then it IS a problem for me, and that’s when I GET TO DECIDE MY OWN FATE IN THIS GROUP, not some unseen team I don’t even know. Attending a group where he is a therapist is a problem for me without his amends.

When a therapeutic environment stops being therapeutic it’s a problem.  If he sees no reason to repair/apologize himself then that is not a therapist I will benefit from. I’m guessing the team expects me to come to group feeling adversely about one of the therapists, which has become about both of you at this point anyway. I don’t see any benefit in that at all. 

So if I apologize to the two of you, I would be betraying myself and my values. I’ve done enough of that in my life and you know that. If I bow down to your demands, I would be saying, “Yeah, it’s OK that you scapegoat me and it’s OK that it appears that double standards are in play here in this group.”    I won’t fucking do that to myself. Are you kidding?  

I am beyond disappointed in your lack of compassion here, but I know you work for a system that does not allow for much of that so I will work on forgiveness for you concerning that. Not so much for you, to do you any favors, but for me, to give me the peace that I deserve.)

We can process this during your next appointment.” (You seriously think it’s that easy?  It seriously doesn’t even occur to you that there might not be a next appointment? As it stands right now and if yours and T2s stance remains the same as this text, without regard for me and what I experienced last night, you can count me out of DBT altogether.  Tell your precious team that.

I made a pact with myself…that I would watch out for me in therapy from now on. I need to be that for myself. My grown adult self needs to look at for that small child self, especially when she is faced with such behavior as went on last night. I am fucking appalled by this whole incident and how you both handled it.  If I see red flags or feel uncomfortable or worse as a result of a therapist’s actions or lack thereof, I will not stand for it and I won’t hang out for any abuse. And as if that’s not enough, our appointment isn’t until AFTER the next group session. That does not work for me one little bit. So you can definitely count on me not being in the next group session. So now what? Huh?)

My actual response: “I had every right to leave. I was bawling my eyes out. I was crying uncontrollably. I don’t agree with an apology to the two of you. I felt bullied and T2 was out of line. I have no issue apologizing to the other group members but I feel that you guys handled that whole thinking poorly and I feel scapegoated. And the last part of your message is a bit of a guilt trip and comes off as condescending. I am feeling pretty traumatized by what happened last night and now by your message. The team decided what to do without hearing my side of things. You are putting this all one me. I feel that a repair or apology is in order from T2 and from you too.”

I am feeling pretty confident in what I sent back to her. And I think that’s only because of the support I have/had here. I would doubt myself much more if not for that, thinking that it was all me. That I was the bad guy, that I was wrong and out of line.

I was in crisis after that incident and it got completely ignored. All they care about it that I left group. FFS. This fucking team…this unseen (by me) team, doesn’t even want to look at that or consider that. They weren’t even there. It’s obviously about staying rigid to the rules and staying loyal to two therapists that fucked up.

They can take their repair and the rest of their skills and shove them all where the sun don’t shine.

 

 

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I Cried for Hours Tonight: When a Group DBT Session Goes Wrong (Part 1)

Not edited so if it doesn’t make sense and there’s typos, you know why.

I’ve been crying for the past 3 hours now. I’ve slowed down but here and there something hits my emotional nerve and I tear up again.

Last week in DBT we were assigned to do 3 things that apply to the skill called DEARMAN and the DEAR part was the most important and it was OK not to do the MAN part.

I had something to ask my therapist (my INDIVIDUAL) therapist. So I texted it to her in the form of DEAR.

Describe: In each individual session all I seem to be doing is ranting.

Express: I feel like I am making very little progress in individual therapy.

Assert: Can we talk about that and ways to change that before my next appointment with you?

Reinforcement: That way we could just start in on the changes we decide on prior, instead of using a session to make a plan.

When the group meets all the group members are expected to share what they came up with for the assignment. Every single example. The one above is one of three.  And it’s the one that started off this cascade of tears.

There are two therapists that run the group I am in. One of them is my individual therapist.  I will call her T1 and the other therapist T2.

When it was my turn to read my examples, T2 and me were talking about it. He had asked me some questions and all seemed OK. But then he came out with something about the therapist not being responsible for me ranting or not. And that the skill DEARMAN isn’t about getting out of responsibility.

I felt stung immediately and became a little defensive. I said, “The assert (the thing I was asking of her) was if we could talk before my next appointment. I did not ask her at that point to stop my ranting.”

Then T2 said, “Oh yeah, I said that because it reminded me of something else.”

BULLSHIT!

Even if true, I still felt the sting.

I read my next example and then it was another group member’s turn…I’ll call her Z.

One of Z’s examples was about getting someone in her family to stop asking her for money.  T2 was going back and forth with her on this trying to find things that might work to get this person to stop this behavior.  I’m sitting there thinking, “How the fuck is it that I’m responsible to stop my own ranting. I had gotten the impression from T2’s cutting remark that I had no right to be asking for help from my therapist. Which in my example, was not even really the point.

But now he wasn’t calling Z out on her responsibility to fucking just say no. What the fuck???
I smelled and still smell a double fucking standard…which is a huge ass trigger for me because my fucked up family are professionals of the double standard.

I spoke up an said, “Wait, isn’t this a responsibility thing too, where the person needs to just say no?”
He answered me, but at this point I didn’t even care what he said, so it went in one ear and out the other without registering in my brain. My anger was becoming rage.

Then the conversation turned to clarifying coaching. I had no fucking idea this stemmed from my text to my therapist (T1.) But apparently it did.

At about 5pm (group starts at 4) T2 called for a break and both therapists disappeared quickly.  I said to another member, P, that I’m ready to walk the fuck out and put my shit in my bag.  She said, “Why don’t you talk to T1?”

I thought that was a good idea and so I did when she and T2 walked back down the hall by me, where I sat waiting.

I told her my feelings and then she said something about using skills and I wanted to tell her to take her skills and shove them up her ass. Fuck your skills.

I said, “How ’bout what he said stung and I feel hurt.”

“Well what if you say that then?” She was calm and patient the whole time btw.

So I went into the room where we’d been. T2 was gathering up some stuff to move rooms because where we were was sweltering hot. Turns out the two therapists were looking for another room to use because of how hot it was in the one we’d been in.

I told T2 how I felt and he said, “Yeah, I heard about that text in our team meeting.”

Double sting. T1 had told all the therapists (who I don’t even know who they all are) that I sent her this text. T2 was obviously angry at me for it and told me that he thought it was inappropriate.He then sort of tried dodging the topic I was trying to resolve and said shit like, “I thought your other examples were great” and “I think it’s great that you want to work it out with T1.”

That just felt minimizing. It also reminded me of my sister’s condescending words when I told her I had decided to help out with my dying father.  “Well, why didn’t you want to before?” (This after saying things like, “I totally understand your apprehension.”)  And then, “I think it’s great that you want to help now, but…”

Back to T2…he then went into the stuff about phone coaching again and that he thought my text was inappropriate.

I made some lame comment about the boundaries being confusing but maybe I should’ve known. I was very upset. On the verge of tears, trying to have this conversation walking down the hall and then in the elevator, in hopes of resolving it before getting to the room we were moving to.

He asked (or said) really that I’d been given paperwork with all the rules on it, etc. I said I hadn’t remembered. He said, “I know T1 did that.”  He continued with something like, saying you should’ve known is a judgment (a thing to not do in DBT) so instead would you agree that T1 went over those boundaries when you started?”

I couldn’t answer. I didn’t remember. I told him that.

At that point the elevator opened and he said, “C’mon, we need you in group.”

I said, “Hold on, I need a minute.”

It was then that I put my bag down and stood there and began to cry. Hard. So hard that I knew it was coming from a deep place of hurt, feeling betrayed and very angry. It wasn’t going to stop anytime soon. I knew standing there for a few minutes to regroup and then rejoin the group was not at all realistic.

So I went down the steps and out the door, to my car and then pulled away to a spot in the parking lot away from people walking around and cried.  I was still crying when I drove away with more than a half hour left for group. I cried the entire drive home. I was inconsolable. Not that I had anyone to console me.

B is fucking oblivious and doesn’t even notice that I’ve been crying. Not that I want to talk about what happened. But a hug and “I’m so sorry you had a shitty night” would be really nice.

But nope.

Alone.

I’m feeling really betrayed right now by my own therapist, T1. I knew that it was a team thing. But I honestly didn’t think that my request would be announced in their meeting. I guess she was getting feedback, I don’t know.

But the thing is, I had not known that until T2 told me when I confronted him alone. I had just stood there talking to T1 about my feeling on his response and treatment of me and she mentioned nothing. So it feels like one big mind fuck.

Another trigger carried away from my family. They kept me in the dark about shit that would have brought sense to certain things. But deliberately left certain spaces blank to keep me in the dark and that’s what it felt like tonight.

I don’t even know if this makes sense and I’m not going to proof it. So if there are typos, you know why. Maybe I’ll go back to it another time when it doesn’t hold such a huge charge.

It’s one thing to be angry, but for T2 to say something so hurtful and stinging… well THAT’S inappropriate.

So of course, I want to bolt. I want to quit, especially group and I’m questioning if this is a healthy situation for me. I will now certainly be questioning myself every time before I send my therapist a text. I have no desire to open up to her now anymore either because I don’t want her telling all the other therapists about my shit.

I don’t know. I knew about this team shit before, but now it’s bothersome to me. Another trigger from the family.
My sister would go to my mother when I wasn’t doing what she wanted me to do. So then my mother would call me and manipulate and coerce me into doing those things.

I think given these circumstances that it’s natural to want to bolt. It’s probably instinct. It’s quite fucking normal to want to get away from that shit. But I also know that since I’m labeled BPD that it would be ME that is fucked up for doing so.  It would be me that would be made out to be unreasonable and trying to dodge the emotions, etc. But I believe and feel that I’d be well within my rights to just stay the fuck away and never go back.

I think T2 could’ve handled it in a much more professional manner. In fact, both of them could have called me out into the hall and talked to me before group to let me know how they felt.  But especially, T2 was way out of bounds with his cutting nasty words.

Sorry but a therapist should be a fucking support to help you stop ranting. I feel like since it’s DBT, it was my understanding that skills should be practiced in individual too.

It’s already quite obvious that the STOP skill doesn’t work for my rage. I’m 0-60 in a micro second. There is no time for STOP.  I sit and rant week after week and she sits there listening and watching my heightened emotions. Does it not make sense that a DBT therapist would say, “OK, let’s stop and take a few deep breaths.” And T2 lashed right out at me in group tonight because he concluded from my text that I apparently held T1  completely responsible for my ranting. Honestly, her being a therapist, I think she needs to take the reins sometimes and slow the shit down. So yeah, maybe 50% responsible.

I texted her about it because I wanted to converse over the phone before we had our next appointment. It wasn’t even about phone coaching or specifically about DBT. It was a client texting her therapist with a question. But apparently that’s off limits and that is something I did NOT know. No matter how much T2 thinks I do.

I know my doubt comes from this high emotion and I also know better than to make a decision in this state. In fact my weekly appointment is tomorrow with my individual therapist (T1.) So I will definitely talk to her then. Honestly I wanted an apology from T2 but after finding out this shit was talked about among all these therapists, it’s just so fucking mixed up.

I feel completely mind fucked and well, that just cancels out any trust I had before tonight.

My head hurts and my eyes are burning. I am also hungry but not sure I am capable of preparing any food. I was supposed to stop at the health food store tonight on my way home but even by the time I got to the vicinity of the store, I was still crying. Altogether the drive is about a half hour long. I cried the whole way home.

Read part 2 here.

Understanding the wounds underlying borderline reactions

A good view on the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. This is a blogger well worth reading if you suffer from complex trauma…which is where the symptoms that lead to a BPD diagnosis originate from.

Emerging From The Dark Night

I often struggle when I read that people with so called BPD are struggling with being able to understand that what seem to others to look like ‘over-reactions’ are actually grounded in past experiences of not being met, responded to with empathy or sensitivity or being given what we truly need.  As a result we tend to carry a lot of inward frustration and what I would called ‘historical suffering’ which can get triggered in the present by either perceived abandonment or invalidation which we then project and can tend to respond to in ineffective ways.   Our reactions may seem out of order and beyond context but we do need to understand that they do make sense once our true history is understood.

Core wounds and old pain act in many ways like black holes of suffering that can be triggered in the moment and then suck us down.   Dialectical Behavioural Therapy was…

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I Started DBT

Last night was the first night with the group. Lucky for me, only four of us showed up plus the two therapists that run it. Meaning, I was relieved there wasn’t the full house of ten people + the 2 therapists.

I just met one of the therapists for the first time last night as well. And he seems really nice, but also dedicated to what he’s doing. He clearly enjoys it. Both therapists are young, which is to be expected I suppose. It’s been a while since therapists and psychiatrists were actually older than me.

The other therapist, the one I’d already known, is my individual therapist.

I’m not going to say anything else about the therapists right now because I don’t want to jinx anything. Last time I got excited about a therapist, she turned out to piss me off and frustrate me more than help me. She talked a good game on the phone, about knowing how to help those with complex trauma and that ended up to be bullshit.

But then she’s also the one who FINALLY picked up on my impulsive behaviors when I talked to her about some things that had been bothering me and she found this DBT program for me. So I’m thankful for that.

However, I do think there were plenty of other indications before that when I was in therapy with her and she could’ve caught it earlier.

I was also sitting there thinking last night while I sat at that table in that tiny conference room. “This should’ve happened a long time ago.”

In all the therapy I’ve been through, both psychiatrists (when they still had office hours and were also therapists), psychologists, social workers and two hospitalizations, DBT should have been offered to me repeatedly.

I even had a therapist once who saw the BPD traits. He’d suggested a book for me to read that mentioned some of the traits of BPD, even mentioned borderline personality disorder.

When I saw him again after finishing the book, I told him that I saw me in those traits. He nodded and quietly said, “Yeah.”  But instead of informing me of DBT and helping find a way to get it, he continued to not help me. In fact he was abusive. This I realized later though, in hindsight.

It’s hard to think about all the time wasted, the years behind me I’ll never get back. For one, my parents had no idea what they were doing, never helped me figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up, didn’t help me deal with emotions, disappointments, heartbreak. Even my joy was dowsed.  It’s no secret they were causing what they should’ve been helping me cope with.

And two,  because the professionals that were supposed to be there to help, allowed me to slip through crack after crack after crack.

Playing With Fire Again! REALLY???

If my adrenals don’t get a fucking break I’m never going to recover.  I can’t leave and right now I am so fucking angry it’s more than uncomfortable.

I get angry all the time actually, but a lot of it is about shit that doesn’t matter or is truly futile because it’s about something that will NEVER change. I hate being trapped here. I hate living with someone I don’t trust to learn from previous mistakes, someone who doesn’t pay attention to some of the important shit.  I don’t feel safe.

So just a little back story: In the past, B had burnt a pot after walking away from a tiny bit of water he put on to heat up for tea. And a couple other times he forgot about toast he was making in a toaster oven, one of those times resulting in the toast actually catching fire!

So now at this apartment we now live in, we have a gas stove. I love gas to cook with. I really do. But I also know you need to be fucking careful when you cook with anything.

There are these pieces of round steel that go on top of the part where the fire comes out and they are removable. And if not put back right, (a fairly new discovery for me) the burner does not work. So when I turned the knob today to cook some quinoa, all I got was gas.

As I began to turn it off, the fire suddenly came on and it came out toward me. Scared the shit out of me.  At this point I didn’t realize that piece was on wrong. I just noticed something that looked wet on it. Probably butter from me cooking eggs this morning.

Well, B tried to clean it off by taking it to the sink and cleaning it off with the dish rag. And then when he put it back, he didn’t put it back right. So when I went to use the stove again…well…I already told you what happened.

The reason I realized that piece wasn’t on right and was the reason the fire didn’t go on, is because the exact same issue had happened before. In fact B was right next to me when we had the problem before.

I lost it. I yelled about it and couldn’t stop. I am really sucking at the DBT skills. It was the perfect opportunity for me to walk the fuck away, go outside or into my room and calm down first and THEN go back and talk to him about it. Tell him in a calm way how scared that makes me, which would also be less berating. And I did berate him for not learning from mistakes.

So not only am I angry at him for being careless, not putting that piece of the burner back on right, but also pissed at myself for not catching myself and working some DBT skill.

How the fuck am I supposed to stop myself when I feel the flooding of the threat of danger and then in turn anger? I talked to my therapist about it and she gave me specific things to do, but I can’t even get to the part where I’m supposed to STOP!

Shit Days

I am not doing well right now. I have just come off another binge with Mary Jane and am wondering wtf draws me so much to that.

Well, I know the answer…Pain…lots of pain. I have struggled with quitting her for years. And I am making another effort now. I’ve just committed to myself yesterday that I will not be drinking any alcohol for a year again. I did this in 2015 and it worked well.

I have not been drinking lately but I have thought about it a time or too. This may not be a big deal for some people but I have a  history of binge drinking. And I do the same with Mary. If she’s here, I indulge till she’s gone.

I wish I could keep her around, tucked away to enjoy now and then or use as a tool to calm down when I’m way over the top in an emotional reaction. But I don’t. I indulge every single day to keep myself at a constant numb.

And that’s not a good way to recover.

I am in DBT and have been going to individual therapy for about a month now. I will start group in a couple of weeks.

The whole premise around the program is to feel your emotions. I can’t feel what’s really there if I’m numbing them all the time. So now that Mary is gone along with sending her accessories out into the trash last week, I am going into this full force.

I don’t have to deal with the physical symptoms that many drugs bring with them once you let them go. But there is a cleaning out period plus the matter of now having to feel my emotions.

This isn’t easy and things have been more than difficult to say the least.

The other thing that Mary does is keep me asleep so to speak. It takes away my motivation and drive so I waste a lot of time. I also don’t care about myself either. So what happens is, I sleep a lot. I eat a lot of junk because I don’t have the drive to prepare healthy food. I don’t move my body because all my body wants to do is lay around. I also can’t read so I spend a lot of time on YouTube watching shit that is yet another waste of time.

It also keeps me somewhat oblivious or at least calmer about the situation here with B and me. And that includes between the two of us as well as the landlady downstairs. From here on out landlady will be known as Nasty.

Nasty the landlady.

So when I quit Mary, my emotions become awakened. And most of my emotions are not pleasant. I’ve written recently about Nasty in another post so I won’t get into her bullshit right now. She’s not even really the problem. The fact that she’s in my life is merely a symptom of other shit and my entire history has led me to this point.

My ‘addiction’ to Mary has held me back seriously. And for a while my emotions will be even more sensitive than usual as I adjust and learn how to be with and find another way of coping with my emotions.

So there’s that. But I actually started this post for another reason.

I am miserable with Mr. B. I have a lot of anger and resentment toward him and want to leave. But since I have not been working, have no income and don’t feel like I could hold down a job right now, I am trapped.

I talked to my therapist yesterday about a specific blow up that happened for me (B doesn’t blow up, yell or have much of an emotional spectrum at all). In talking about that one incident, I was able to illustrate what the relationship is like between the two of us and she gave me some really good insight

The pattern is: I’m triggered by something B does, says, doesn’t do, doesn’t say or something he forgets even though we’ve had the conversation once or sometimes many times. I have felt disregarded and not listened to.

When I’m triggered my reaction is to…well…react. I yell and berate. And this leads to sadness, depression and shame for me. I hate myself every single time. I apologize but the next time I’m triggered, I react the very same way.

I know this is abuse. And I am responsible for stopping. Which is one reason I am in DBT. A big reason for seeking out therapy, period. Although I sought out therapeutic help long before B was in the picture.

However, wanting to stop reacting in that matter, wanting to do DBT, wanting to be a better person…it’s all for myself. I mean, I want to stop hurting others too with my reaction, but my priority is myself.

Even if I didn’t react the way I do, this relationship is unhealthy. B is shut off from his emotions, he says shit all the time that indicates he doesn’t listen when I talk to him. He doesn’t look at me when I’m trying to communicate that I’m upset. And this happens even when the conversation is calm and normal.

He is physically unhealthy and won’t do anything to help himself. He is in a job in a company that treats him like a doormat and he doesn’t have the back bone to say no or to ask for a raise. He has no ambition and he seems to be getting worse on the drive and motivation front. He doesn’t seem to learn from certain mistakes and is not careful at work, hitting his head, rushing around slipping or falling, etc.

This probably sounds like I have no empathy for him hurting himself and sometimes I guess you could say that’s true. But the injuries he incurs and the errors he makes at times, are things that most people learn from after doing it once or twice.

Think about it. If you bend down and then crawl under something, you know something is above your head. Would you raise your head up to bump it knowing that thing is there…unless you are deliberately want to deliver some pain to your noggen?

If you’ve slipped on a surface before or dropped something on your foot in the past, would you not keep that in mind, learn from it and do something completely different to keep the same fucking accident from happening?

Most likely, the answers to these questions are a big fat YES if you care at all about yourself. But not B, he makes the same fucking mistakes over and over and over again.

We have been pulling each down into the sewer for years.

And I’m past due ready to get the fuck out.

I wish I had some place to go but I can’t think of anyone who would take me in, in the state I’m in right now. And I definitely need to stay close so that I can get to DBT. Unless we lose health care or some other rug gets pulled out from under…which to be honest, I am programmed to expect, so I do.

But to keep my sanity and to get through DBT (and that’s as long as Trump doesn’t pull the rug out from under mental health care) I need to learn gray rock really fast.

I also need to keep in mind the good things. I have written before about some of the ways he is supportive. He’s got my basic need of having a roof over my head taken care of. He understands why and supports my choice of not being a part of my own family anymore. His expectations of me are quite low actually. And I feel like I’ve been taking advantage of the situation.

A healthy person would’ve had their own full time income and left a long time ago. For both of our sake. There’s good stuff, but the emotional support in the day to day and his ability to listen and regard what I say as of any importance seems to be zero.

We have…scratch that…I have conversations with him one day and the next he does something that indicates he either didn’t listen or forgot. But then when I say something again, he says the very same things he said in the conversation before, as if we never had the original conversation in the first place.  It’s crazy making. And I have no way out.

I’ve been wondering lately if he actually enjoys seeing me react on an unconscious level. And if that’s true, then he loves the idea that I’m trapped because it gives him all the power.

I’m closing comments right now because I don’t really want any advice or feedback. I just needed to get that poison out of my system.

 

Diary Card is a Trigger: Having an Emotional Flashback (or Five)

I’m not in a good place right now. I’m having an emotional flashback about this stupid diary card. I feel like a little fucken kid right now as a result and really sensitive.

I remember as a kid in school I would be feeling vulnerable for something like not doing my homework (just as an example) and this would make me afraid, especially when it came to certain teachers. Specifically my first grade nun was abusive when I didn’t get the homework done or even do it right.

So if I was already vulnerable I would be sensitive to just about anything adverse so I would cry easily.

Once I’d forgotten my homework in 7th or 8th grade and (guessing because memory) called my mother and asked her to bring it up to me. She did and when she got there, I saw her at the door of the classroom.

I shot up out of my desk, both embarrassed and relieved to see her there. When I got to the door, I nudged her into the hallway and the tears just flowed.

One year, just being back after the summer, the teacher gave the assignment to write out the multiplication tables. We were only supposed to got to 12 on each number but I kept going, not remembering this from the previous year. And I felt so overwhelmed and don’t even remember now how far I went with each one. It must’ve taken me hours that night to finish that assignment.

I didn’t go to my parents, because I didn’t know if my mom would send me to my father. He was the last one I needed or wanted helping me.

Now for some reason this diary card is sending me back to that assignment and just endlessly writing the times tables and then finding out when I got back to school the next day that I made it even difficult than I had to because I didn’t remember from the previous year, what to do.

So I’m sitting here in tears and I guess I’m supposed to record this shit in that itty bitty box with no fucking room!