The Struggle

It’s so sad to get to 50 and realize there was never any meaning to my life. Never any real purpose. I’ve only been a seeker and I’ve never really had the space to know who I was or am.

I’ve struggled all my life. Taking classes-going to school. Working menial and low paying jobs.  Feeling the desire to do this and then that, never dedicating to one thing. Getting bored or feeling like I could never pull it off. Quitting before I reached the end. Turning down opportunities in fields I did manage to see classes through to the end for.

It hurts to realize I never made anything of myself. It also makes me angry. Angry at my parents. But mostly angry at me for not finding a way to over-ride that. It’s not for lack of some trying. I was hospitalized (voluntarily) twice when I was in my 20s. It helped but when you go back to the same toxic environment, a month just isn’t enough time to fix things. Especially if your family isn’t willing to see what’s really happening.

I know I felt deep down I’d never realize myself completely until I healed. But I also thought that my healing depended on my family understanding too. I wasted so much time looking for approval, not just from them but from men. If someone loved me then I must be OK. But then it was conflicted with the feeling of not feeling good enough within, so something must be wrong with them to want to be with me.

I pushed one particular man away many times by telling him “I need to find myself.”

It was true, but how many times can you say such a thing and never pursue the work? Sad, I never knew what the work was, I just knew it needed to be done.

Edit 9/28/17: Oh boy, so much more to this than just telling him I needed to find myself. There were times I’d said that but wanted to see someone else. But I was right in what I said. Just wasn’t being completely honest. With either one of us. It makes my head spin to think of the mess I was when it came to relationships.

The lack of guidance and nurturing as I grew, took a huge toll on my self worth and self confidence. It left me lost as to where to start to live as an adult once I became of that age. And I was pretty much left to figure it out for myself without having learned how to live in the world and do more than just get by. The result was that I lived at home with my parents for much longer than what I consider to be healthy.

Dreams lost and even forgotten. But also left with many ideas and interests but too overwhelmed to know what to focus on. It led to life paralysis. It led to looking for someone to rescue me.

Now all these years later, after having been in survival mode as a child and a young adult, I’ve reached what is considered middle age and in a vulnerable situation, so once again and still I find myself in survival mode.

I feel like what I’ve started I may not have time for and I’m scared. There is nothing I can do but implement what I know now, because there is much time that could have been utilized for growing that is simply gone and there is nothing I can do about that.

But I am still quite anxious and it leaves me feeling like I should seek out that pay check first, even though I feel pretty incapable of that now, before settling down to work myself out.

I know it’s not the most healing way to do it but it is probably the safest. I hate how this shit has turned out and because I dwell on this, I can’t seem to get any traction.

Praying to the universe to show me the way. But wanting to be careful what I wish for.

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Depression or Narcissism: Life is Like Groundhog Day

I am really having a hard time of things. I’m feeling like I’ve made no progress at best, or worse regressed.

I’m such a child emotionally and the more time goes on the more I think I might be a narcissist.

I’m so disgusted with my situation yet what I am doing to change it is miniscule and feels like I will never get anywhere. I will never be able to live on my own.

Almost everything Mr. B does gets on my nerves and I don’t hide that too well, so he’s quite aware of it.

I’m (very obviously) angry these days and have been angry chronically for decades. People irritate the shit out of me and I see so much stupidity around me I just want to quit society.

I understand that some of that is my own cloudy mind because of the anger but other things are genuinely a problem. There’s a lot of feelings of entitlement out there and it makes me sick how self centered people are for the most ridiculous things.

Again, I’m feeling scattered and like I want to leave this blog and start over. When I look at this thing, I just think it’s a big mess. I want to organize it but it’s so damn messy, I don’t know where to start. But if I start over, I am still having the same issues so I will probably get to the same point again eventually.

I have other topics I want to write about so I keep going back and forth with setting up a string of blogs or just writing all topics on the same one and just categorizing things.

I guess it depends on what my intention is and I’m torn on that as well. To earn money from blogging, a niche is probably important. And I’m not saying I necessarily want to make money on my misery (but then why not) but there are other things I’m knowledgeable about that might work to monetize.

Of course I don’t know til I try. But I get paralyzed because I have one idea, then another idea and then another idea. I make a list and I have five things I could have blogs for. Do I do a separate blog for all these things?

I think PTSD has something to do with the procrastination of starting. I do think separate blogs is the right answer. It’s the way the internet works. But it’s not easy for me to work that way. So I think, “No, you know, I’ll just do one blog and write about everything I want to write about.”

And two minutes later I change my mind back again. And then I think about how difficult it will be for me to keep up with so many blogs and go back to the decision of one, change my mind AGAIN, get overwhelmed, feel disorganized and get so frustrated I do nothing.

Isn’t this what narcs do?

I’m watching videos on YT by other people talking about their experiences with narcs, but they seem to have success at least enough to live on their own, care for their children if they have them, go out to work each day and earn a living, plus be organized enough to utilize a platform like Youtube, or even blogs, to say and write what they want to write.

But me, I’ve been reading and watching for over 6 years, started a bunch of shit and have not finished or continued much of anything. Even books…I used to finish books all the time but now, I lose interest and have taken quite a few books back to the library or stuck them back on the shelf unfinished and I’m pretty disinterested in everything now.

I know my disorganized and scattered feelings are an old topic. I revisit it every so often on one blog or another of my own. So it’s probably annoying to anyone who’s read it before. Same old song and dance. Here I am feeling sorry for myself again. I’m afraid to do something in the direction of getting something accomplished because I’m paralyzed with fear it will be the wrong decision.

I like the title of this blog and want to continue with this one, but when I think about cleaning it up, I get so overwhelmed I don’t even know where or how to start. The thought of starting over somewhere else makes me feel like not even bothering.

Posting this, it’s like Groundhog day. The difference though is that I’m not really learning, I’m not changing. I’m the same person I’ve been since I was 13. I continue to feel the same way about things, I make the same mistakes. Even if I learn something from them, it’s like I’m stuck in the same hole so I can’t even help but to do the same shit on different days.

It just seems useless.

Who the fuck am I? And what the fuck should I do? (Other than kill myself that is.)

Edit Thursday 9/14/17: I still struggle with self-identity, but don’t think I’m a narc anymore. But I also have not made a whole lot of progress. The reason I believe is having little help with healing complex PTSD. I am in DBT now but don’t think it’s the end all be all. I do hope it will help in areas of my life to progress instead of staying stagnant. As for what to do with this blog, I’ve kept it as is. I’ve done some sporadic posts about my cat. But I want to save him for his own platform. This is a blog about the shitty way I grew up and the shitty decisions I made because of it. I am more settled in my blame for my parents but still struggling to take responsibility for my life.