I wrote this haiku years and years ago and kept it hidden in a pile of journals I recently went through. It was typed…on typing paper…done on a typewriter.
So yeah, it’s old.
I don’t remember the exact circumstances surrounding what prompted it but the sad thing is, and this comes up in many other aspects too, that my issues have been the same, have been repetitive for 3 decades now.
It’s been four years since the break up of an affair. Something I feel was a serious wake up call in many regards. And after that break up, I’d been going through my drawer of journals. I found something I’d written, feelings and emotions I’d been going through when I’d dated this very same guy years before.I got involved again on immature emotion and foolishly told myself I’d worked out whatever it was that broke us up the first time. Believing it was mostly my responsibility that it ended in the first place.
As I read these pages I’d found I could see that the same issues had been present the second time as they were the first.
Neither one of us had done any work and I was so wrapped up in the excitement of reconnecting I didn’t spend much time thinking about the fact that he’d already been married once when we dated the first time, and then married fairly quickly after our first break up. He’d already been dating her before we broke up.
He used the same MO as he’d done the first time by complaining about and blaming his stbx for all the issues they had in their relationship. I felt that very same special feeling I’d felt all those years prior. Little did I know that this was addiction. I had gone out and found my drug of choice and got hooked all over again.
The ironic thing is that he used to call me his kryptonite. Quite telling I think.
The same scenarios played out all over again and the entanglement ended badly, this time by him, with a text. The message told me he was moving in with someone else. And again he’d been dating her while we were still struggling with our emotions within the affair of toxic soup.
Our relationship was just another escape and coping mechanism for me. Others include binge drinking, overeating junk food, smoking cigarettes and pot and finding someone or a group of people to be around, usually seeking out fellow pot smokers and/or beer drinkers.
I’ve been learning a lot in the past four years about what has held me back from developing into a healthy adult, with healthy habits and relationships. The label I put on it for so long was simply depression. Now I don’t mean to minimize depression, but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s been so much more than that and I’m finally getting to some real answers.
I’ve been back and forth on what is “wrong” with me. Trying to figure it all out. I’ve been convinced that I have all the personality disorders from all the reading I’ve done, although it does get confusing because I don’t fit into any box.
I finally came across a book by Pete Walker called, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA. It’s been a great book in helping me see that what I thought was a lot of other diagnoses, is very likely C-PTSD.
I’m always coming across articles, videos and blogs that help with those aha moments. But this book…I found myself getting choked up, wanting to break through the wall that’s been erected through the years and cry.
This book helped me to see more clearly and understand myself a lot better. It also helped me feel much less guilty for severing ties with my family. I have known it was the right thing, particularly intellectually, but now I feel it within, that it was the only thing to do for myself.
I’ve always found a way to numb the pain, to run away from it but I’ve been changing my habits in order to have a chance at healing. And stopping those habits (as mentioned above) means feeling the pain and grieving so many losses that have never been grieved, including things I’ve never had.
I believe I’ve had the cerebral knowledge of this for a while. But my habits and actions have/had not been congruent with that knowledge. I’ve stopped the smoking, drinking and looking for company to avoid being alone. However, I still eat for comfort to try to bury the pain.
I have felt through the years that it’s just easier to numb and escape. But in reality it really isn’t easier. I have not been taking care of myself, therefore I’ve been living life with little energy. I have led a life of hardship. And I have lost myself (if I was even there in the first place) in every single relationship ever.
In all the years of indulging and bad relationships, I didn’t know that complex trauma was the problem. And even though I may have vaguely known that I was drowning in such chronic emotional pain, I didn’t know what else to do. And most of the time I didn’t really think about it much. I worked, I had friends, I even lived on my own.
But life was always a struggle and I kept thinking, “There’s got to be a better way.” I stayed in my head. I thought the answer was in my head.
Now I know better.