Another Emotional Flashback

On Friday (yesterday) it happened. First thing in the morning and it ruined my entire day. And here it is almost 3pm on Saturday and I’m still feeling like shit. In fact, in some ways I feel angrier than I did yesterday.

It was brought on by another episode of B not hearing me, not caring enough to listen to what I told him. I won’t go into the details of the incident but I lost it.

I was shouting about how I’m convinced on some level (no matter what he says) that he enjoys my reactions. That I feel sabotaged each time I get a toe hold. That I feel like he likes me right where I am (which is loserville) just like my family because he’s miserable and wants the company. And no matter how much he SAYS he cares, his actions say a whole lot different.  There was more but I think this gets the point across.

I did this shouting at approximately 6:30 am. So I’m sure the landlady loved that. I’m embarrassed but I’m not ashamed like I usually am. I’m tired of him. Granted I get the basic survival support from him. My housing is taken care of. I have food stamps…aka SNAP, so my food is provided.

But the emotional support is practically non-existent. He is an apath and as I mentioned he’s done some things that have sabotaged my recovery. It may not be intentional but it doesn’t matter. It has the same effect.

Each time something comes up, I talk to him, discuss it. He seems to listen to my feelings and what I think. But it doesn’t change anything. And the same sort of thing will take place later.

I have very little energy after the over the top responses to emotional flashbacks. And that’s where the sabotage lies. I can’t think straight enough to take more steps forward to get my own life (back)…if I even ever had a life of my own.

All I feel is anger and exhaustion. I can’t seem to get any momentum forward because as I said each step forward is met with some sort of sabotage and afterward I feel like I’m back to square one.

I become resentful as hell and very angry. It makes it difficult to talk to him, even the most small necessary pieces of info like, “There is chicken on the counter, leave it the fuck alone.”

Lol…I don’t say that, but I want to because I’m so disgusted with this shit happening over and over and over and I can’t fucking leave. And I think that either secretly or subconsciously that is exactly how he wants it.

I mean ffs, I can’t work like this. If I get a job and have an emotional flashback and flip out like I did on B yesterday morning, not only will I feel embarrassed and ashamed, I’ll be right out on my ass.

So before I go working for someone else, I have some physical issues to take care of. And that requires some testing. Well how the fuck do I get testing without money???

Trust me, this is testing that won’t be covered by insurance. Adrenal fatigue is not recognized by the fucked up medical industry. And insurance companies don’t cover things that work.

So there it is. Trapped once again! Well actually STILL trapped.

Oh and as I write we are getting new neighbors in one of the apartments in the building next door. And since I attract assholes and douchebags, how much you wanna bet they will loud and obnoxious. Making my health even worse.

 

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Adrenal Fatigue…I Think

OK so I’m not diagnosed or anything, but having read enough about PTSD and the effects of long term abuse, I have no doubt I have adrenal issues of one sort or another. What the title of the diagnosis would be, I have no idea.

I also know that when tested by a conventional doctor, the ones covered by shitty insurance, the tests they do won’t register, in some instances, as having anything wrong even if there is.

I have not been exactly diligent in taking care of myself either. I do feel I could recover but it means changing a lot of habits. It means eating better, sleeping during a certain window of time and it means doing the right exercises. And it takes time.

I went grocery shopping today. I made sure to eat before I left so I wouldn’t be hungry at the store, or get into trouble with wonky blood sugar. If I get hungry, it causes stress reactions in my body, sending more cortisol to my brain.  Something I don’t need since it’s part of the problem of PTSD.

Even taking care to take care of myself before leaving, I still feel exhausted. It didn’t even take me that long, despite going to a store that I don’t really know my way around all that well yet.  I went there for a couple reasons:

1) It’s cheaper than Whole Foods and I am trying to find ways of saving on food money. (I will still use Whole Foods for produce because it’s the only grocery store that has good produce around here. I can pick up a few things here and there at other places but at WF I can pretty much get my whole produce list.)

2) That particular branch of the chain I went to, although a little out of the way, it is not crazy crowded. And today I discovered the people that shop there are not rude or walking around with a feeling of entitlement. Meaning they don’t keep coming toward you and expect you to move, even if they’re on the wrong side.

They also said excuse me at the store I went to today, when it was appropriate. The clientele at WF doesn’t generally do this. They will walk right into you and then act like you’re the rude one.

Anyway, to get to my point, I’m exhausted, just from going grocery shopping. I feel like I could take a nap now at 4 pm and sleep through the night.

I have just begun to change some things so I don’t want to say much about that yet. Consistency is key and not a strong trait of mine.

Identity Crisis and Compromising Myself: My Petsitting Boss

Bristol cat for sleeping tigerAs a result of emotional child abuse, a running theme for me in my life has been that, I never really knew who I was, never did much with my life but go from job to job and over the years, I tried to identify with what I was doing (work) rather than who I am within. And I grew up believing that your job/career was a huge part of someone’s identity.

I still try to identify with one particular job I had, which was pet-sitting and walking dogs. But although I love dogs and other animals, to say I’m a dog walker or pet-sitter, like it’s who I am, never feels right to me. I love animals and  enjoyed the job to a point. But it is physical work and since I’m not in very good shape right now and am dealing with some other health problems, it isn’t suitable.

In addition, being so prone to depression, I would get into massive depression spells after the couple weeks of being so busy at Christmas/New Years and then during some really busy periods during the summer.

(Edit Friday 9/8/17: I realize now that this is an adrenal problem and probably resulted from adrenal fatigue. When you have adrenal fatigue you need to rest. Walking 10-12 dogs a day with only a break for dinner and sleeping at someone else’s house is not conducive to this. It leaves you little time for yourself or friends, even if it is only temporary, going at a rate like this will exhaust even a healthy person. This job also involved a lot of driving too, which is really stressful in my area.)

The last year I worked for the pet-sitting company, while I was asking her for some hard-earned and well deserved vacation time, my boss, Pat, gave me a hard time about it. I’d waited until March to ask her for it, giving plenty of time for the Winter vacationers to wind down.

She asked me why I wanted to take a week off, as if it was a ridiculous request. I was flabbergasted. She’d never given me difficulty about taking time off before or asked me why. It was actually none of her fucking business.  And this after she’d given the other employees off for the Christmas rush, told me it wasn’t going to be that busy just a week before, then slammed me with 18 hour days for two weeks straight.

After I responded to her, simply saying, “I have some paid vacation time coming to me and I want to take it,” she apparently felt it was an appropriate time to point out how I talked. She said I always talked like I had no energy and then she imitated me.

Edit 9/8/17: The fact was I did have no energy. I had gotten through 18 hour days for the holidays and two months after, I was still exhausted. I had know idea about adrenal fatigue. I just thought it was more of the depression I had always been so susceptible to.

Could it be the result of her overworking me for 14 days with non-stop walks and visits over the holidays, up at 5 am and not in bed till 11pm? All of which included spending each night at someone else’s house, instead of my own, as part of the schedule.

Not to mention that she wasn’t  even up front and truthful about it the week before while discussing the schedule with me.

Edit 9/8/17: Without even knowing it, I was showing that I had no self-respect. A person who respected herself would have said, “You know, you told me that we wouldn’t be that busy for the holidays but then slam me with 18 hour days. Saying that 18 hours means I’m busy, is not subjective. You fucking lied to me and that was manipulative. What’s with giving everyone else the fuck off only to pile onto me. That’s not fair.

Instead she lied and then shocked me when she sent the schedule to my inbox.

The overnight-for-a-week job came up after she’d sent me the schedule and she’d told me it started the night before it actually did. So when I went there that night, I’d found the family home and was rather pissed off at my boss that I’d wasted time driving to a house I hadn’t needed to. Time I could’ve been using doing something for myself at home.

But instead of telling her I was angry, I simply mentioned it and that was it. She didn’t even apologize for the mistake and just said, “Oh I thought it was tonight.” I should’ve at least asked for some compensation.

Edit 9/8/17:  A couple years ago I ran into her at a convenience store while getting coffee. She said hi to me and asked how I was. I became stiff and nervous but also put a wall of sorts up. I was still angry for what had happened at the end of my employment and about what had led up to it.

Her husband sexually harrassed me and because I worried about losing the job and her not believing me it took me a while to tell her. And when I did finally tell her, she didn’t believe me.

So years later when I see her in the Wawa she wants to be friendly?

When I told the woman who had supported me through the abuse of my family, she told me I should have given her a chance to see where it would lead. Maybe her husband had died. He’d been sick at my time of employment. Maybe she’d have led up to an apology.

But I didn’t do that. I just answered her question by saying, “Eh, I’m ok” then walked to the cash register and got out of there.

A few months later I had an awkward run in again at the Whole Foods and she actually ended up behind me in line at the register. I couldn’t believe it. I’d seen her, with her back to me, as I walked through the store. But ending up in front of her in line was just too much.

Although I knew she was there I did not acknowledge her.

When I read through this all this time after writing it and also after all the time that’s passed since all that shit happened, I kind of feel like I did the right thing.

I mean she treated me like trash. Why the fuck should I not be pissed off.

She knew where I lived. She could have knocked on my door, she could’ve left a note, apologizing, asking to talk, something. But to me, when she just said in her upbeat friendly voice, “Hi Tiger, how are you?” I was like, “I am not going to fake this.” 

And I didn’t.