On Friday (yesterday) it happened. First thing in the morning and it ruined my entire day. And here it is almost 3pm on Saturday and I’m still feeling like shit. In fact, in some ways I feel angrier than I did yesterday.
It was brought on by another episode of B not hearing me, not caring enough to listen to what I told him. I won’t go into the details of the incident but I lost it.
I was shouting about how I’m convinced on some level (no matter what he says) that he enjoys my reactions. That I feel sabotaged each time I get a toe hold. That I feel like he likes me right where I am (which is loserville) just like my family because he’s miserable and wants the company. And no matter how much he SAYS he cares, his actions say a whole lot different. There was more but I think this gets the point across.
I did this shouting at approximately 6:30 am. So I’m sure the landlady loved that. I’m embarrassed but I’m not ashamed like I usually am. I’m tired of him. Granted I get the basic survival support from him. My housing is taken care of. I have food stamps…aka SNAP, so my food is provided.
But the emotional support is practically non-existent. He is an apath and as I mentioned he’s done some things that have sabotaged my recovery. It may not be intentional but it doesn’t matter. It has the same effect.
Each time something comes up, I talk to him, discuss it. He seems to listen to my feelings and what I think. But it doesn’t change anything. And the same sort of thing will take place later.
I have very little energy after the over the top responses to emotional flashbacks. And that’s where the sabotage lies. I can’t think straight enough to take more steps forward to get my own life (back)…if I even ever had a life of my own.
All I feel is anger and exhaustion. I can’t seem to get any momentum forward because as I said each step forward is met with some sort of sabotage and afterward I feel like I’m back to square one.
I become resentful as hell and very angry. It makes it difficult to talk to him, even the most small necessary pieces of info like, “There is chicken on the counter, leave it the fuck alone.”
Lol…I don’t say that, but I want to because I’m so disgusted with this shit happening over and over and over and I can’t fucking leave. And I think that either secretly or subconsciously that is exactly how he wants it.
I mean ffs, I can’t work like this. If I get a job and have an emotional flashback and flip out like I did on B yesterday morning, not only will I feel embarrassed and ashamed, I’ll be right out on my ass.
So before I go working for someone else, I have some physical issues to take care of. And that requires some testing. Well how the fuck do I get testing without money???
Trust me, this is testing that won’t be covered by insurance. Adrenal fatigue is not recognized by the fucked up medical industry. And insurance companies don’t cover things that work.
So there it is. Trapped once again! Well actually STILL trapped.
Oh and as I write we are getting new neighbors in one of the apartments in the building next door. And since I attract assholes and douchebags, how much you wanna bet they will loud and obnoxious. Making my health even worse.