Sleeping Kitty

Our kitty sleeps in funny positions and places. This particular spot and position isn’t the craziest I’ve seen from him but it was entertaining and made me laugh. So I thought I’d share.

 

 

Here he is in a reasonable sleeping position. It’s a bit dark, even though I took this late morning. I love how his legs are sticking out off the bed in a scissor-like formation.

 

 

Here’s the position that made me laugh. He’s hanging off the bed, most likely chasing the sun but it had moved by this point and most of the light from the sun is behind him.

 

 

And here, it’s just a zoomed out version edited to black and white. If you look closely you can see the reflection of his back pitter in the glass of the table.

Dark Truth Between the Lines

I am slowly going through and editing old posts and taking stuff out of private mode. Since the family BS is coming up again and still, I thought this was an appropriate one to reblog. It was beneficial in a bitter kinda way to come across it. Very sad.

Sleeping Tiger

dark_forestI went through the emails exchanged between my father and me back in 2012 and 2013. I think I know why I forget certain things now. It was difficult to read what I wrote as well as some of the things he wrote. But more disturbing is what’s between the lines really.

Some emails were about getting his furniture and other belongings out of his apartment because he was moving in with a woman and wouldn’t have room for the stuff where he was going. We kept going back and forth about working out a time to do it. Our schedules conflicted. In fact I noticed some contradiction in a couple of his emails as well.

He kept saying he’d arrange to be there when I could get there. He’d even bring his girlfriend down to the apartment if necessary. But later insisted on the fact of being up there…

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Tailgaters Suck Ass

This happens to me all the time and I’m no granny driver.

However, I do become one in a 15 mile school zone when the lights are flashing. But despite the school zone, it never fails that I get a fucking asshole tail gater. I swear I’m a magnet for these dicks. And I’m sick of it.

Today, one came creeping up from quite a distance and never should have caught up to me if he’d been doing the speed limit.  I was right in front of the school the zone was in and this guy was in my trunk.

The next thing that happens is the guy behind him lays on his horn.

Like tell me WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK is wrong with these people.

It’s a school zone. Kids are everywhere, including crossing the road we’re on.

How the fuck do I stop these assholes who do this from pissing me off? It ruins my entire day and I’m ready to go sit at a bar and get trashed.

I hate this area. Aggressive drivers are everywhere and tailgating is a major problem around here. Even when you’re not a granny driver.

(No offense to grannies or slow drivers. I prefer to do the speed limit myself. But much of the time when you do that around here, you get run off the road or majorly and aggressively tailgated.)

I just wanna know how do I get it to stop making me so angry?

Email From My Mother

I just checked my email for the first time in a little while. And found an email from my mother with the subject line reading, “???”

I debated only for a moment whether to open it or not.

I did.

She wants to know if the email address is still valid and if it’s one she can communicate with me through.

I haven’t answered. I am shaking. I am confused and don’t know how or even whether to reply.

In my heart I don’t want to sever all ties. And I certainly don’t want this to be about the subject she emailed me about. Her will. .

It needs to be changed to follow the laws and guidelines of the state she moved to.

She wrote, …although I do not plan on dying soon…” (“I need to update blah, blah, blah.”)

I admit, I was happy to read that she is OK and that statement hints to the fact that she is well.

The email is dated 5/22 and today is the 26th. I just got it this minute. She started by saying that she wants to make sure that my email is indeed the same before sending a more detailed message. That may or may not have something to do with her will.

I worry that responding will open up a gate for her to send numerous messages. And as much as I’d like to deny it, I fear that my response will make her think that despite my no contact, that I want to be sure I’m included in the will.

I have often wondered how it will be when she passes. If I will go to the funeral. Or if she becomes ill before she passes, will I go to her? Will it be right for me to go to her?

I miss a lot of things about her and I can feel the wanting of her approval right now.

I’m stuck and not sure what move to make and if I do write her back, if I should just tell her yes, this is still my email address or if I should just tell her to write me out if that makes her more comfortable, considering the circumstances.

It seems like it might be the right thing to do. But then I also feel like I’ve relinquished myself, bowed out, sacrificed myself enough.

Even if I did write back and tell her to write me out, I don’t want it to sound or seem like I’m being a martyr about it.

I’m noticing right now that I’m feeling the desire to relinquish right now. Just throw my hands up and give in. Just forget this whole no contact thing, at least with her.

I felt a disappointment and coldness in the email, despite little words. I feel that pull to stop her feelings of disappointment and possibly frustration of my stance.

I feel so pathetic.

Update: Already, I said, ‘Fuck it.” And sent a quick response to let her know it’s still my email address. That is all I said.

I am now at the point of going ahead and laying it all out. Clearing up her confusion as to why I don’t want to talk to her or see her.

When I hear from her I feel like I’m the bad one.

When I think about laying it all out, I have confused feelings about it.

Why bother? I’ve attempted explanations before and have been fooled into believing she understood only to be stabbed in the heart.

Fool me once and all that you know.

This sense of guilt that maybe I’m wrong and should just lay the shit aside and just be in her life.

Shadows in the Dark

At the in-between, just before complete sleep, sometimes I am visited by a shadow. It comes after me. It wraps itself around me, smothering and engulfing me. It doesn’t want me to get away. It scares me. I want out of its grip.

I fight to wake myself up as I know it’s the only way to escape. But it’s like I’m trapped, sort of. And it feels like attempting to get to the surface from a very dark depth of an ocean. Ocean of fear.

I try to scream and yell knowing the noise from my own voice will awaken me, but no sound comes. And I push to hear myself again.

There are times I’ve actually been able to get the sound out and as it escapes my lips, I awaken, beating heart in my chest. Other times, I have to continue the fight to open my eyelids, feeling desperate to get away from the ‘demon’ yet my body wants to continue its slumber.

It’s a battle between mind and body. And when mind wins out and I pull myself out, my heart beat is intense against my chest while simultaneously, there is a sense of relief.

Another small battle ensues as my mind is frightened but my body pulls me back to sleep.

Frustrated and Stuck

I hate that my words aren’t flowing. My mind is like a car, with a bad transmission.  So many thoughts, so many emotions. But the words won’t come. And if they do, it’s a few then they stop.

I don’t know if I’m trying too hard for an audience that may or may not be there or if I’m genuinely stuck on how to express everything that’s inside me.

In addition, I am overwhelmed and it seems that so much floods in all at once. How do I keep up?

When I go to write, my mind stalls and it doesn’t come out as eloquently as it seemed in my head.

It’s like a tall, thick, stone wall in my way.

While I Waited

While I Waited

That day while I was waiting
For once it wasn’t raining.

So I took that time
To go inside
As I sat under a tree
Ready for whatever that ride
Had in store for me

Within I dove
And there I found
The truth of how
my heart was ground
to resemble powdered glass

I could clearly see
That lovely day
To my vulnerability

It wasn’t simply
Here and now
Your advantage I’d allow

Every day I’d fear
Your absence
And I’d begun to disappear

The sun shone through
As I waited
And it was then
that I drew

My conclusion.

Stages of Grief and a Good Break Down of Behaviors and Feelings

I decided to go back and list the stages of grief the way the author of Healing the Child Within has broken them down in his book. Obviously he didn’t create the stages but he has added some interesting behaviors, I’m guessing upon his own observations.

Once I take this book back to the library, I want to be able to refer to this and use it in my healing and recovery process because I can look back or even see myself now behaving in some of these ways in stage 2.

Stage 1: Shock, alarm and denial.

Stage 2: Acute grief, consisting of:
Continuing, intermittent and lessening denial.
Physical and psychological pain and distress.
Contradictory pulls, emotions and impulses.

Searching behavior composed of:
-Preoccupation with thoughts of the loss, a compulsion to speak of the loss and to retrieve that which was lost, a sense of waiting for something to happen, aimless wandering and restlessness, a feeling of being lost, of not knowing what to do, inability to initiate any activity, a feeling that time is suspended, disorganization and  a sense that life can never be worthwhile again, confusion and feelings that things are not real, fear that all the above indicate mental illness.

-Crying, anger, guilt, shame.

-Identifying with traits, values, symtoms, tastes or characteristics of the lost object.

-Regression and return to behaviors and feelings of an earlier age or connected with a previous loss or reactions thereto.

-Helplessness and depression, hope or hopelessness, relief.

-Decrease in pain and increasing capacity to cope over time.

-A drive to find meaning in the loss.

-Beginning thoughts of a new life without the lost object.

Stage 3: Integration of the loss and grief.
If the outcome is favorable:
Acceptance of the reality of the loss and return to physical and psychological well being, diminished frequency and intensity of crying, restored self-esteem, focus on the present and future, ability to enjoy life again, pleasure at awareness of growth from the experience, reorganization of a new identity with restitution for the loss and loss remembered with poignancy and caring instead of pain.

If the outcome is unfavorable:
Acceptance of the reality of the loss with lingering of depression and physical aches and pains, of lower self-esteem, reorganization of a new identity with constriction of personality and involvement and vulnerability to other separations and losses.

Note: Grieving isn’t linear.

Salad, Hair Ties and Black Trash Bags

I was standing at the tiny counter in the kitchen of the last house my family and I lived in together.  There was plenty of counter space in that kitchen, but there was this floor cabinet that held our eating utensils and it had a small counter on top.

I was making a salad after having cleaning some lettuce. I’d put it into a salad spinner to store in the fridge and then as I pulled lettuce out of it for myself, the spinner turned into a large black plastic trash bag.

Kim Kardashian walked by and the lettuce turned into button down long sleeve dress shirts with crazy designs.

I seem to remember some confusion and frustration but the confusion wasn’t as strong as the frustration pertaining to how the shirts just kept coming and coming.

After this, as I still stood at the counter, still trying to make a salad, taking longer than it should, my sister stood across from me and we were talking. The wind started blowing hard then, through the kitchen window. It was to my right, above the stove. My hair blew all over the place, making it difficult to keep it out of my face.

My sister asked, “Do you have a hair tie?”

I said, “I do, but I don’t know exactly where they are.” And I began rummaging through something on our small table in the kitchen…with no luck in finding a hair tie.

I didn’t want to go downstairs to my bedroom (I had a custom built bedroom in the basement of this house for a while) because I didn’t want my sister to get distracted and not come back to our convo.

I went around into the living room (sister in tow) and looked in a desk that was right there on the wall opposite the kitchen. (IRL, the desk wasn’t really there but on another wall in the living room.)

My sister and I were still talking about hair ties and finding one.But she also asked me something about a salad…I think she asked if there was more lettuce and I took it to mean she wanted a salad. So I went back to the kitchen and reached in the back to check for the spinner.

Then I went downstairs to look for a hair tie, while she took a look in her room down the hall.

In my room, I looked inside a wooden box on top of my dresser. (A tall chest of drawers and the box was a handmade wood box I use for jewelry.) I had to dig to the bottom of the right, back corner before I found one.

My sister appeared at my door-way while I was pushing through all the clutter inside the box and asked if I’d found one.

I pulled out two. One yellow and one black. I chose the yellow one and started putting my hair up in a pony tail. But then, what was supposed to be the hair tie became a red powder that I smeared onto a pane of glass that was upright and leaning against on wall.

After this weirdness I turned to look at the room. I was a guest and was going to sleep in this room. I walked through and mentioned that I needed to find my futon and it was then I realized how late it was and how disorganized I was. And that I had no idea where any of the sleeping material was.  I was also feeling tired and finding something to sleep on felt urgent but I didn’t show it.

By this time, my brother was down there with us too. After I’d talked about sleeping in that room and finding my futon, I turned to see a huge pile of big black trash bags that I knew were full of my brother’s stuff.

I said, “I’m sleeping in here.”

My sister left the basement, going back upstairs and it was just my brother and me.

It’s not clear what he replied but the way he replied was calm. He said something along the lines of needing to put his stuff in there but it’s not necessary for him to sleep in there.

He made a funny but martyr-like comment in a very calm and non-confronting, non-aggressive tone with a really gentle look on his face.

We knew we weren’t the only guests in the house and space was limited. (Remember the Kim K. kitchen walk through?)

I said to my brother, “I don’t mind sleeping in the same room with you. We can just put our beds far away from each other.” (Something along those lines. My exact wording isn’t clear to me now.)

In this dream, I was aware of the tension but my two siblings didn’t seem to be. I didn’t feel afraid of them or nervous. I didn’t even feel fake or like I was forcing myself to be ‘nice.’ Being in each other’s flowed and the interaction came naturally, like it used to. There was no elephant in the room and we were just ‘normal’ siblings.

I also had this strange sense that what happened between us then (whatever was going on in the dream) had the power to dictate how we behaved toward each other in the future.