Yes, I’m talking about the heart palpitations. I felt really pissed off about various things yesterday, including things involving B. I have been having one of my cycles of intense anger and disgust.
And I think this has a lot to do with it. But I did do a bunch of talking like shit to B when he got home from being out most of the day. I reminded him of another form to be followed through with and felt pissed that I had to do that. Because of him forgetting about a form last time that by the grace of me asking about it, he got it in by the skin of his teeth.
There were some other things too, like him putting away a couple things in the kitchen cabinet and having them hanging over the edge on the top shelf because something was behind them. And to fix that, someone had to get up on a step stool and move the shit in back so the shit in front isn’t hanging over.
That second one is pretty minor. But if that shit falls and breaks something or even makes me jump out of my skin because it makes a bunch of noise, well, that’s just fucked up. It’s preventable. Both examples are things a grown ass man should fucking know without being prompted. I feel like I live with a fucking 10 year old half the time.
So when I was verbalizing about the form and the boxes at the top of the shelf, I was pissed. My body was tense. I thought, what the fuck. Yet again, I have to tell him the same shit I tell him all the time.
Another example is he takes something out of a container or a box and doesn’t put the box or container back.
Not to be a bitch or anything but if I wanted to be a parent I would have a kid.
So I’m being traumatized by the day. How do you detach from something that effects you???
I didn’t really want to be writing about my physical health here, because, well, because I have an aversion to it over all. Everyone has a different idea about what health is. Everyone has a different idea of what we should all be eating.
I really don’t mind conversations about food and nutrients and supplements. I like getting new ideas. I like to find out what works for others. But I think my aversion mostly comes from my family. My sister in particular but my mother runs a close second on that.
Because I talked about nutrition and foods years ago, when I first started researching all of that back in 2000, my sister accused me of pushing it on others. There were other contentions too when I suggested that perhaps some of one of her friends’ kids behavior issues might have something to do with something in his diet.
She got all pissed about it but saved it to use against me later. So yeah, when I write about nutrition here, I get a little nervous.
Note: Sister is the most malignant narc in my family. She knows full well that certain foods can effect not only a child’s behavior but an adult’s too. She’s made plenty of comments in the past about how sugar made her kids hyper. So there ya have it. She’s just an asshole.
But I also know it fits on this blog, because (I believe whole heartedly that) people with PTSD and other ‘mental’ illnesses have more health problems.
Notice the little quotes around the word “mental”. I also don’t believe that mental illness is mental. To me mental has to do with mind, thoughts even beliefs. The mind is a concept really, not a physical entity. We can’t touch our mind.
But illnesses like PTSD, bi-polar disorder, depression, GAD, etc. Even the cluster Bs and schizophrenia are illnesses of the brain. Does that not make them PHYSICAL illnesses. Our brain is something that CAN be touched. It’s part of our…well most of our bodies. (Sorry, sad attempt at being funny there.)
I also think that they involve other parts of the body, especially when talking about those brought on by lots of stress or trauma. And for all we know maybe they’re all brought on by stress and trauma.
So those are my opinions. I respect it if you think and feel differently about it. I just really needed to write that because I tend to hold my opinions back for fear of getting someone all worked up or mad.
And guess what the result is. I’m the one that gets sick.
So back to the arrhythmia. I think my getting worked up again is a result of getting these things. My cortisol goes up and it set my heart up. I can feel something going on right now.
When I was sitting in bed last night and when I laid down those fuckers happened again. I had taken a bunch of supplements, the same as before but still they would not abate. They weren’t as bad and scary but they were still there and it isn’t normal/healthy.
Okay so here’s the food part. I will admit to having issues with food.Since I started researching nutrition, after being diagnosed with a chronic illness. I was determined to heal it with diet and maybe supplements too.
And so I’ve been trying all kinds of things, usually for only short stints.
Vegan was one of them and I could never stick to it. The last time I tried that, I became ravenous (no exaggeration) for red meat.
Before I went and bought a steak at TJs though, I tried what I could think of to get the protein from vegan sources, the rice and beans trick, miso, tofu, vegan protein powder. Nothing satisfied until I bit into that steak.
Recently I’ve tried a ketogenic diet. More than once. To be honest, I’m kinda kicking myself for not sticking to it the first time because I was doing pretty well. But I gave in to carb cravings and went off of it.
When I tried again that’s when I noticed the heart palps and always being hungry. No surprise there. It had been years since doing it before and I had lots more metabolic damage from sitting around in a depression eating a bunch of junk and take out for at least two years straight. (With a few breaks in between of me cooking.)
Recently I’ve been checking out what’s called the carnivore diet. I wanted this to work. The first time I tried it, I made it two weeks and started to shed some fat. My clothes were starting to fit better. My brain felt more clear. My moods were improving.
But two things. Constipation and heart palpitations.
I figured out that rendered/cooked fat was both giving me a histamine response and heart palpitations or even sometimes a racing heart.
But when you cut out fat while eating mostly protein, constipation happens.
I’ve also been having histamine responses to lots of carbs as well. And if I wasn’t getting a histamine reaction from them, I was having problems digesting them. My stomach would hurt after eating anything carby. And yes, that includes veggies, fruits and starches.
Can you say rock and a hard place.
So I’ve been eating lots of beef. One day I even ate half a pound of raw ground beef. I actually felt pretty good afterward. But mostly it’s been cooked burgers with raw milk melted cheese.
It digests well. But now I’m wondering if the lack of carbs is contributing the heart arrhythmia. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe that it’s all the stress my body has been under, continuously and still going for 52 (almost 53 now) years.
But even when I don’t add extra fat, a burger has some fat. Not as much as some meats, but some and it’s rendered and cooked fat unless I eat it raw.
I didn’t take notice though of whether my heart had issues after eating that raw beef though. And as much as I’d truly like to experiment with that, (because there are actually people out there thriving on it) it just doesn’t appeal to me.
Even if I wanted to do it, I don’t think I could eat enough at first to get enough calories.
Which brings me to another issue. I may not be getting enough energy from my food. I ran into that before and I do have a habit of not eating right away when I’m hungry.
I was hoping that I could thrive on the cooked carnivore diet because it’s simple. Not a lot of thought has to go into meal prep. It’s something I’ve been needing because of my lack of motivation to spend time in the kitchen. Dishes are easy to.
And as much as I wanted it to work for mood, I think it’s making it worse now. I think it worked for a while but I think with my heart involved in the adverse reactions, it’s connected to how I feel mood wise.
I’m sitting here though, even after a night of little sleep and heart palpitations before getting to sleep, feeling wide awake and my mood isn’t too bad. I have a feeling the supplements I’ve been taking have something to do with that.
Speaking of supplements I was taking magnesium citrate and at first it was working well for my moods. But was giving me headaches. The last two days I’ve had a really intense migraine. Last night I tried a small dose of magnesium glycinate and no headache. I’ll try a bit higher of a dose tonight.
Another reason I wanted the carnivore way of eating to make all the difference is fat loss. The weight I’ve gained over a short period of time could also be taking its toll on my heart as well. But I won’t lie, as much as I want to lose weight for health, I also want to lose it to look better.
I miss the clothes I used to wear. I have saved them all in bins and I am determined to get into them again.
I’ve never been skinny. I’ve also always had a bigger lower body. But to give an idea of what I’m talking about, in 2009 I weighed 140. I’m 5’6″ so it’s average I suppose although I think I look better at 130. (As long as it’s fat that’s coming off and not muscle.)
Through 2010 and 2012 I fluctuated between that 140 and 155. After the break up of the affair I was involved in, I stayed the same for a while because I was still social in my fog. Even though I was drinking a lot, smoking plenty of dope and eating food in restaurants, I still played disc golf. So I was getting exercise. I think the socializing helped too.
But then my father got sick and my family began to beat me up more than ever. And even though I stopped drinking and smoking pot, I also stopped seeing friends and stopped playing disc golf. I didn’t cook either and ate a lot of take out. Because B didn’t give me much thought either. Whether he thought I was eating at my father’s I don’t know. But then he never asked either. This was still at a time I trusted him to use the stove so…
When my father died, I took to one chair or another and sat around eating junk food and take out watching TV or YouTube videos. I was still walking one dog a week so I was at least still walking over there to see her. I’d been without a car for about three or four years. I drove my father’s car as long as they needed me. But as soon as he died, my sister insisted on putting it back into the estate…this even though they knew I was without a car.
My brother walked away with my father’s extravagant computer system and sister took his bed.
I fed my depression. I used junk to comfort myself and escape the reality of not being loved. Of realizing that I never was loved.
And I ballooned up eventually to 220. And at the moment I sit at about 210-215. I’m fat, I’m unhealthy. I have uterine fibroids and I’ve never been this big.
So yeah, although I know I am not loved or valued by my family, I’d like to find a way to value myself enough to be healthy. And to me that is much more than about weight loss. But weighing 215 pounds is not healthy. Not for me in my 5 foot 6 frame. (Actually I’m 5 foot 5 and a half if you want to be absolutely exact.)
That was an emotional post to write, especially when getting to the part about my father’s car and how she took it back when it could’ve been signed over to me. If the roles had been reversed and I was POA and executor and my sister was without a car when I had a decent one myself, I would not have hesitated to make sure she got the car.
So now, I am going to take some supplements and then go buy some carbs. It still stands that my digestive system has a difficult time with them. Not long ago I had some white rice with a meal. But I’m going to get some different stuff. Like quinoa, lentils, maybe some scallions, cauliflower and maybe some broccoli. I’ll start small incorporating them into my protein meals and see what happens.
I’ll also keep taking supplements including HCl and digestive enzymes. Maybe I can build my digestive system back up. Because to be honest I do think that eating from every food group is the right way for me.
PS. I’m not proof reading before posting because I want to get outta here. The health food store will already be crowded. Ugh…Saturday before Labor Day.