It’s Actually Self-Sabotage and Restlessness

Although there was more to the post I wrote more than a week ago, called “Sabotaged Again,” I took it down anyway. In the post I said that I know that if I take care of my body and eat better, most of my PTSD will heal. And since I am not really sure about that anymore, I can’t stand behind the statement.

I also want to apologize to anyone who read it and felt minimized by that statement.

That being said though, I still think that taking care of the body, does improve the mind. I have experienced diminishing of symptoms like hyper-vigilance after taking care to eat in a healthy way. So I do still think that self-care does play a part.

But there is a lot more to it. I know that the brain changes in the case of trauma, or develops differently, when the trauma comes from childhood, than it would have if the child had been nurtured and cared for in a loving manner.

I have a tendency to start feeling better and then I get restless. I think this is what causes me to revert back to old habits. I also think it’s a combination of wanting to socialize too. I am lonely living with B. He doesn’t talk much and quite frankly, I am bored with him as well as feel quite a bit of resentment toward him.

So I prefer to seek out other company. In addition that company is at a disc golf course and close to nature. So two needs of mine are met with this: Actually three: being in nature, being around people/socializing and some movement.

I love disc golf. There was a point in time when I played often, but the local course is rife with opportunity to drink and smoke.  And although I have the discipline to stay away from it when I’m home, when I get out among people who ‘indulge’ I do the same.  And of course that sets me back.

In my situation it’s easy to have this happen, and in particular at my age. As much as I want to socialize with people who have healthier values, it can be difficult to meet them. It’s easy to go back to the familiar. If I want to get involved with different types of people, it takes money.

I’ve also noticed, that no matter what type of group I’m find myself around, eventually I feel uncomfortable and don’t fit in.

A couple weeks ago, B and I had a talk and agreed to make some changes. I can say that he has been following through for the most part. There is one thing I asked of him that I know he’d been following through with but I’m not sure if he still is. I’d have to ask to find out.

For me, I was following through on everything but one.

My not having an income is a problem. He wants me to earn some money. I don’t blame him and I agree with that desire myself.  The plan was for me to work on eBay. We have plenty here to sell and I’m quite familiar with the platform. But I have not been able to get myself to do much of anything on it.

I feel ashamed but I also feel like maybe I need to find something else to do. I just have no desire to deal with eBay. I feel so restless sitting at this computer anymore.


Message From My Mother; Message To My Mother

I forget now, did I mention that I got a birthday card from my mother 5 days before my birthday.

In it, she included a personal message as usual. The message started out nice. She even apologized at the end of the paragraph. But there was also some manipulation and a bit of guilt tripping. Not that I think she knows that. I honestly don’t think she realizes it.  But then who knows, she could have me fooled.

She thinks and has thought these last six birthdays, that I don’t talk to her now because of my shitty childhood and how bad of a mother she was. I’m paraphrasing.

So this year, instead of ignore it (or at least let her think I’m ignoring her, because every year I have a melt down, she just doesn’t know it) I decided to respond.

It really frustrates me that she thinks that I decided to cut ties with her and my siblings because of my shitty childhood, just after my father died. I mean, if I was cutting ties for a shitty childhood, would it make sense to wait until my father died? He made my childhood shitty too, so if that were the reason I’d have cut ties long before I did.  Besides cutting ties with my mother for a shitty childhood doesn’t explain the reason for cutting ties with my siblings. So…

So here’s the email I finally sent:

Hi Mom-

Each time you send me a card with a message written in it, you refer to how bad of a mother you were while I was growing up.

I appreciate the thought and the apology for that, but in all honesty that is not the reason I stay away from you. (Or my siblings for that matter.)

My reasons for staying away, stem from my experiences with you, Chris and Mel shortly before and during the months that dad was dying. I felt scapegoated, manipulated and betrayed.

My boundaries were utterly disrespected and my feelings were completely minimized and dismissed. I felt like a used up doormat and a receptacle for the whole family’s toxicity by the time it was all over.

To give you one example, I was given the same ultimatum by all three of you in separate phone conversations!
“Step up or walk away.” Ultimatums are a form of manipulation.

I’ve stayed away because I finally realized what was going on and that I didn’t and don’t deserve to be treated the way you were all treating me.

Both forgiveness and trust are processes, and things to continually build on and nurture, not just once and done events. Again, just to be clear, I am not referring to my childhood. I’m much more affected at this point in time by what took place in those months in 2013, than what happened in my childhood.

So with all that being said, I’m confused as to what you want from a visit. What is it you are thinking? Do you want to talk things through? Or do you want to just visit and leave ‘the heavy stuff’ under the rug?

I am not able to have a superficial relationship with my own mother. There is a lot to work out. When things are as toxic and dysfunctional as they are, it is unhealthy to continue to pretend that they are not. So I am not capable of such a visit, let alone a relationship like that.

For me to come down and see you would take building some trust back up first as well. So if you’re interested in having that difficult and possibly healing conversation, then it will need to happen here in Delco. In addition, understand that I have reason to be apprehensive about talking through the “hard stuff” with you. It has not had great results for me in the past.

With that being said, I would not be ready at this time to have that conversation myself. It is a difficult one (and may not and likely won’t be just one conversation) and at this time, I am going through some really stressful and difficult things, working some issues out with Bruce and dealing with some health issues that I am attending to and which take priority for me. (That’s a boundary and I’m quite adamant about it.) Adding such a stressful conversation (although I’m not even clear if you are even open to that) to “my plate” is not going to work for me.

To be completely honest, in the Spring, in perhaps another six or seven months (here in Delco, you and me, without my siblings) would be much better for me.

So that’s where I stand. I would be willing to see if it’s possible to build back a relationship, but there are stipulations because I am no longer going to compromise myself to please others just because they don’t like my choice to say no. And I’m not going back to the same old same old dysfunction.

I’m nervous about her response, but happy that I stood up for myself and kept it respectful.

A Walk, A Haunt and My Birthday

I have finally started getting myself out for walks. Last week I saw a really well decorated house for Halloween but didn’t have my camera. So on Friday, the day before my birthday, I went out for another walk. This time with my camera.

If you click on each photo, you can get a full screen view. Then you should get a magnifying glass type icon with a + inside it. That will give you the capability to look closer at the detail. (if you’re interested. I know not everyone likes this stuff.)

Although I stopped watching horror movies, because they’ve been too much for my PTSD, I still love Halloween. My favorite thing to do or had been, before the intense stress messed me up, was to go and do things like haunted hay rides and haunted houses, where people dressed up like monsters and ghouls and scared the shit out of everyone. I don’t know why, but I’ve always loved it. I remember going through one that was set up in a long trailer in the parking lot at the mall when I was a kid. My brother was younger than me and although he didn’t really like that stuff he went through anyway.

I went through screaming and laughing. My brother cried with fear. At the end, one of the guys that had been in costume came out the other side with us. I don’t remember all details. But he was concerned about my brother so he came out of character to soothe him. It was the sweetest thing. Even came out of the trailer and spoke to my parents in a jovial manner, and wanted to make sure my brother had calmed down. He also had told them how much I’d enjoyed myself.

Even as an adult, I still loved it. By then, most of the time I wasn’t really that scared. I mean sometimes these creatures would make me jump, but not usually. It was just part of the fun. It made it more fun…for me and for the people in costume. I also love to see how they ‘decorate’ the places. The stuff that people do to make these places spooky and scary is amazing.

But it’s been years since I’ve been to one.

One of the last things I did with my mother (for my birthday) was to go to an event with 4 ‘haunted’ buildings all made up to scare people for Halloween. It was fun. I screamed and laughed a lot.

So yeah, I got a kick out of the house in the photos above.

The day after I took the above photos, was my birthday.
I really thought that B forgot. He never said “happy birthday” before he left to get some stuff done.  I loved that he went out though. Because of the stress I feel around him a lot of the time, I was grateful to be left alone yesterday.  However, it turned out that he did remember and brought cake and a card full of goodies.

The night before I had requested a gelati from Rita’s and B stopped and got a couple. I saved mine. It turned out that after I ate dinner, I didn’t really want it.

So it turned out to be the perfect birthday treat as you can see in the video below. I celebrated my birthday with it.

Warning: There is singing. 😀


A Self-Discovery on Therapy + Some Other Stuff

It’s been almost seven months since the incident with the DBT therapists.  I struggle everyday with PTSD symptoms and depression.  I am working on my physical well being since I do find benefit when I eat better and I’ve also rediscovered some supplements (that I already had here) that are also helping.

One huge problem is that my heart is now being effected in a big, scary and dangerous way.  So I want to give a bit of info on that, before I get to my point about therapists and therapy….

When I get angry and then have an outburst, I get an irregular heart beat. It’s fairly new to have PVCs brought on after an anger outburst but I noticed it started during the reign of ‘speaker boy.’

As much of a fucking asshole that guy was/is, this was bound to happen, since I’ve been having rages and outbursts and anxiety since I can remember. Anxiety started very young.

The arrhythmia in general though, has been a problem that has come and gone for a few years now.  At one point I thought it was caffeine and gave up all forms of it. I had been drinking coffee every day. And afterward palpitations seemed to subside.

However, they did come back and from my own observation, I’ve noticed that the arrhythmia is brought on by more than one thing.  And no, caffeine doesn’t really help, but i don’t think (for me) it’s the main culprit.

One huge thing that brings them on is stress and when I feel anxious, PVCs happen. When I feel angry and especially after having an outburst, PVCs happen.  I mentioned this above, I know.

The arrhythmia also seems to be brought on by cooked fat. This took me awhile to figure out and believe, but from other things that I understand, arrhythmia can be a symptom of histamine intolerance, which is something else I’ve acquired. Remember the coffee…well, I always add some sort of fat to my coffee. I was making these extravagant fatty coffees, with either the canned coconut milk or butter. I have had some pretty mean palpitations after eating things cooked in butter.  And I’ve made enough connections to see that other fats do it too…olive oil included.

I also have been getting them at night and the arrhythmia really seems to take off when I lay down.  This is many hours after I’ve eaten. And in fact I’ve noticed I have gotten an irregular heart beat while hungry…which is stressful to the body. So this makes sense also.

I had remembered hearing that there is a connection between the adrenals and the heart, regarding the chemicals that the adrenals release and how they effect the heart. It was an Eric Berg video on YouTube. (I’ll link it below.)

So I took that information again, and was able to apply it somewhat, having some of the supplements he mentioned that would help with adrenal fatigue.

I’d already made the connection that the arrhythmia in my own body was/is connected to stress, so I figured I’d try the supplements.

So the past couple days and nights I’ve been taking some of those supplements (that I already had in my possession) and the past couple nights I’ve been palpitation/PVC free.

It’s pretty quiet during the day too, but outbursts still effect me. And I know this because I had one yesterday.  It wasn’t the same exact thing. Like I felt my heart was protected by the nutrients but it’s still weak from years of having it kicked around. There was no chest pain, but it was definitely not feeling great.

So back around to the therapy thing:
I reached out to and left messages for a couple therapists. One called me back today.

For once, I had a therapist ask me about myself in order to determine if she could help me.  So I told her some of my story, some of my past (in a nutshell) and some of my present situation.

She actually determined that she would not be the right candidate to help me. And at first I felt frustrated and even a little pissed off that she even called. When I hung up, I felt like I’d been slapped in the face.

But then I realized that I was misdirecting this. There was a therapist I’d called a few years ago and told her on the message I left that I thought I might be borderline. She called me back just to tell me she couldn’t help me. Didn’t ask me any questions, just simply told me she wouldn’t be able to help me.

I felt traumatized by that call and her words. It triggered me into some symptoms and I was pissed that she even called me.  (So a word to therapists: Don’t fucking call someone back just to tell them that you can’t help them. That does more harm than if you don’t call them back at all.)

Anyway, I digress…
The therapist I spoke to today though, that was not the case. She wanted to determine if she was the right person to help me BEFORE I got into her office and wasted both of our times. (My conclusion, she did not say this.)

And this is actually a good thing. Other therapists I’ve been the one to initiate asking them questions to see if they could help me and they just want to move on with scheduling without knowing anything first. I’d rather know that it’s not a good fit via a phone interview than find out a few sessions in that the therapist can’t help, doesn’t understand or just plain sucks.

And still I have not gotten to my point:
Through all of this, I discovered that going through therapy is not a good idea. At least not the type of therapy that has me telling my story.  I get too worked up and triggered.

While talking to this therapist on the phone, I could feel the build up of stress. Behind that stress was the feelings of wanting to be understood, afraid of not being understood and reliving all that shit.

Reliving that shit, hurts my heart. It gets my adrenals flowing and whatever happens between those chemicals released and the heart, well it’s not good for me. My heart is way too weak and sensitive now to go through all that again and again and again.

What gets me though and something that I thought of as I was making this realization was that while I was in DBT, when I would go to my individual therapy appointments, my therapist had told me that the point of DBT was to get emotions and behaviors under control first (my words, I’m paraphrasing) and THEN work through the trauma, so that the working through the trauma wasn’t so triggering and could actually be productive.

This makes so much sense. BUT…what did I do in individual therapy??? I talked about the shit that caused the trauma. And then I’d get worked up, ranting, reliving, in high anxiety as if I was right there in that same situation all over again.  And she would never stop me. I would just wind up and up and up.

My adrenals have been and are still always on overdrive. So my poor heart…
I am not saying that there is anything wrong with ranting. But there has been nothing productive about it for me. And given what it does to my body and the distress it puts me in, therapists should give a hand in stopping the person, especially if the person specifically asks them to.

I’ve been to therapists that I’ve asked to stop me when I become visibly distressed and stuck in the scenario (something a trauma trained therapist should be able to read) and not one has done that for me. Not one.

And then I rant about how they don’t do what I ask.  So therapy has been harmful.

But the main discovery I made was that going through therapy and just sitting and telling my story will probably cause a heart attack and possible kill me now. So I won’t be pursuing therapy for now.

This video explains the whole cycle of what happens when under prolonged massive stress. I have all of this going on.  (Please understand this is not about vanity. This is about what is going on inside the body.  The outside may not be important in the character of a person, but it can and usually does reflect the health of a person.)  Anyway this is an old video but if you go to Youtube and put in the search terms, “Eric berg adrenals and heart connection” without the quotes there are other videos as well.  This one’s not the specific one where he tells the direct connection but he goes into so much here that may be helpful to many with PTSD. One big symptom of PTSD is not being able to tolerate stress and he talks a lot about this. Cortisol eats muscle and those of us with PTSD release a whole lot of it over the years and of course, the heart is a muscle.

One thing I’ve been doing is eating a lot more animal protein. Mainly beef but I’ve also started eating eggs and some raw milk cheese. I have also been drinking raw milk but am now finding I’m reacting with some inflammation in my sinuses, so that’s on its way out for now. I go through cycles with this and find that my body does well with it at times.

However, the red meat…I’m eating a lot of cheese burgers, and the reason I know it’s helping with my adrenals is that I was having mid back pain. I thought it was from having weak muscles in my mid-back. It would get really bad when standing for long periods of time. Or even when sitting in a not so comfortable chair. But all of that is clearing up.

I have experimented with this as well having an all carb day and the back pain comes back. When I go back to the protein, it clears up.

Disclaimer: I am only relating my own experience and thoughts. I am no doctor and none of what I wrote is to diagnose or treat anyone. What I’m finding to be true for me doesn’t mean it will be true for you. 

Dr. Berg has lots of videos on the adrenals and I’ve taken some of the info and utilized it. In my opinion they are worth watching because people with PTSD are probably suffering from adrenal fatigue as well.

I’ve closed the comment section. Sorry. I am just protecting myself right now. I know people may mean well when they read something like this and then feel they should give advice.

I’ve written posts before about being discouraged about therapy and then read a comment or two about how I should keep trying til I find the right one?  I don’t want to take the chance of getting such a comment again.

I also know that food is a personal thing and some people get mad when meat is mentioned. I don’t want to debate diet and feel that what you eat is your business.  I am a conscious meat eater and buy from a local farmer who raises his animals eating the foods they are supposed to eat. They all roam his many acres and are treated humanely. I don’t eat grocery store meat but if I had to for financial reasons I would.

And I know that this is STILL not okay with some people. And that’s fine. But I don’t want to debate.

Still Wondering if I Have Borderline Personality Disorder: Thinking Out Loud

Yesterday and day before I found what looks like a good site for borderline personality disorder. The way I rage when B does something (or doesn’t do something) that makes my blood boil, I can’t seem to control myself.

I have a history of this. I go into my room and throw stuff. In the past I’ve kicked doors and punched walls. Once I broke a switch plate and cut my knuckle so bad there was blood all over the wall and the floor. Still have the scar. Shoulda gotten stitches. If that’s not a combo of impulsive behavior, rage and self-harm, I don’t know what is.

I know it’s trauma. But the behaviors are so intense, the feelings of rage intense also. So I revisit the BPD articles and info every so often.

During my reading on the above mentioned site, I came across a statement that said this:

“If someone’s currently in an abusive or invalidating environment, you can look pretty “borderline.” Like if you take any person and you throw them in an abusive relationship where you get gas lighted a lot for example, or invalidated a lot, you’ll start to act pretty “borderline” because that’s an adaptive response to a “crazy” environment.”

It does bring up questions such as, where do you draw the line on that? I mean most people developing the behaviors (which are really coping strategies for sanity in an insane situation) come from such an environment. It’s tough to fathom someone who comes from a healthy developmental environment, getting stuck in a situation that makes them act borderline. I mostly mean by choice. Thing is the foundation is built when there is nurture and love. A healthy environment becomes familiar and we aim for familiar when we get older. The one situation I can think of is if it’s against one’s will and that can happen to anyone.

Either way, the quote got my attention because I can’t think of a time I wasn’t in some sort of toxic situation, ranging from jobs to relationships.  My family was toxic too. And because my development was arrested, this is why I think I’m borderline. But then maybe the toxicity has just made me act that way. See what I mean?

The other thing is that the behaviors are ingrained at this point. So even if I was in a healthy situation I don’t know that I would not have those behaviors and feelings. I think I still would, although if I was seen and heard and validated and acknowledged, I know it would be a different story. There’s be peace within if I felt that I was being met half way and being valued.

It feels difficult to find that situation for myself when all I’ve known is toxicity though, because the toxic is familiar. Because I am now toxic myself. I am exhausted and don’t feel good about myself. I don’t have much self esteem, which stems from childhood but has gotten worse with all the (figurative) beatings I’ve taken.

BPD feels confusing because I’ve read of people who have that had trouble with very intense emotions as children.  This makes sense though if they aren’t getting their needs met. So I’m likely not getting the whole story.

Maybe it’s not an accurate label. I don’t know. I read one article by someone diagnosed with BPD, who claims not to have been traumatized and says that’s not where her ‘mental illness’ comes from.

I’m skeptical. But I don’t know her so I don’t know if it’s true or not.

Just some incomplete thought processes. We are all individuals and in different situations so I have to look at my own situation.

I don’t think these behaviors would be present in me if I’d had a nurturing and loving upbringing. Toxicity would not be familiar to me and I wouldn’t be drawn to it. And I would recognize it before it was too late. I wouldn’t question myself and instead I would know that the first show of toxic behavior would be the sign for me to bail.

No doubts, no questions asked, no guilt, no worry about someone else’s feelings to the detriment of my own.

And most of all, no getting stuck in a situation I can’t get out of.

Here’s the article that provoked my thought process and this post.  The whole site looks pretty good. The writers on the site are people with the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder and in recovery.


Just Because They’re Quiet Does Not Mean They Are Not Abusive

In case readers don’t remember, I’ll remind you all of the agreement made between B and me about his credit card use. That he wasn’t going to use it anymore and pay off the balance.

Well although he was paying the balance and then some, he still used it, bringing up the balance even more, going against our agreement and basically defeating the whole purpose of transferring the balance to another credit card to get rid of the interest.

It’s paid now but the point is he went behind my back and bought expensive concert tickets with the card. And then told me he got them for my birthday.  Seriously! He knows fucking well I’m no longer interested in attending concerts.

He couldn’t find someone to go with him last minute so he went alone and couldn’t sell the ticket…so wasted money and more money on the card.

Next up, just came up today. I found out today that he went behind my back and got a storage unit. A notice that the rent amount was going up came in the mail today and I saw it.  First I know about it and you know I’m pissed.

What other secrets I wonder is he keeping from me. What else is he spending money on he can’t really afford. He cries about things being too expensive, I have to remind and push him to put money in a savings account, but he’ll easily hand over money that might as well just get put in a fucking fire place because what he’s storing over there is paper work from the 80s and 90s.

I want to cry right now. I am presented with yet another deal breaker. Not only is he saving this meaningless shit, but he’s paying money that could be going into a savings account instead of being wasted on saving that shit.

He has a problem obviously. But it doesn’t take my anger away. He’ll never get help because he is not important enough to himself and I’m certainly meaningless to him…made obvious by all the sneaky little shit I find out about when it’s too late.  FUCKER!!!

Even if he did go to get help it would be useless because he doesn’t fucking talk.

What a dick.

One last thing: I want to be clear that although I’m not happy with the money he’s spending on the storage unit.  What really pisses me off is that he has been paying for that fucking space for 2 years and I didn’t know about it. It’s sneaky.

Of course if he told me he wanted to get a storage space I wouldn’t be all that happy about it and there would be a discussion. I would verbalize my side and tell him that money would be better used for something else or to sock it away in a savings account. But ultimately the decision would still be his. But at least I would not feel like he was going behind my back and being sneaky and THAT is what I have a problem with.

Finally Followed Thru With My Complaint

It’s been a while but I’ve been afraid. I’ve been too worried about what might happen if I submit a complaint about the two DBT therapists that were negligent in my care, one night during group.

I finally got angry enough to pull out the form and then proof read and edit the document I’d typed out, telling the events of what happened that night.

It was all delivered to the post office today and it is on its way.

I also called the mental health care (insurance) company to ask about filing a complaint with them also.I originally called to ask the process of it and was going to call back. But then I ended up with a really nice customer service agent (or whatever they are) and decided to take advantage of that.

I explained a little about what happened and she entered the info into the system. She then let me know that she is sending a form out for me to fill out and attach the document I have reporting the events of the incident.

This idea was triggered because I received something in the mail from them about submitting complaints. I don’t know if it’s coincidence, synchronicity or that they know about the complaint I started to submit with Department of State Professional Compliance Office.

Next I guess is a phone call to the facility itself where this shit took place. As long as I can stay angry enough to not let my codependence get the best of me again.

So if you want to read about what happened, I’m including a list of posts I’ve written about it.

When A Group DBT Session Goes Wrong  This is the first post post about what happened that night. The comments add some good content as well.

DBT Session Goes Wrong Part 2 This gets into the text I received from one of the therapists the next day, expressing that I need to apologize. Pfft!

Other Things That Have Occurred to Me About the DBT Therapy Situation These are after thoughts and a bit more to what’s going on in my mind about the situation.

I Could Really Use Some Advice and Ideas

In September of 2016 I bought a digital program from someone to help with my complex PTSD. She has a YouTube channel with some really good content and within that channel she does some promoting of her program.

Back in 2016 the program was a little over $800. It included modules of PDFs to work through with exercises to do both in life and in writing. It also included guided meditations.

First problem I noticed is that the meditations were not downloadable. Someone else commented about that on the forum she provided for the group and the program creator ignored the comment.

When I started to listen to the recordings, I noticed some sudden sounds in parts of the ones I’d gotten to so far. I recognized them to be the squeaks her chair makes. I recognized them from hearing them in her videos.

In her videos, where she is just talking and educating, the sound was not that bad. But put that shit in a meditation, even someone without hyper-vigilance I imagine would be bothered by this.

I let my codependence get the best of me (being afraid of her reaction to my complaint) and my thinking that this was the answer to my Cptsd and so I didn’t bring it to her attention and ask her to fix it.

When I finally got the guts up to say something and send an email, it was six weeks after the fact and that is the length of the program, or the length of time it takes to get it all sent to your email.

In my original email I told her about the squeaky chair noises and how it startles me out of meditation. I asked if I could either have my money back or for her to fix it.

There was an exchange and she wanted to know the times of when they happened so I went through them and found them and emailed that info to her. She also of course refused to refund me any money, stating, “No after six weeks, you cannot get a refund.”

She also informed me that she would fix the recordings when she got a chance. I knew when she wrote it that it was bullshit and that she would not get to that task.

I’d stopped listening to the recordings long before I sent the email, because I kept getting startled out of the meditation type trance and it would agitate the shit outta me.

Losing that $800 has bothered me all this time. I don’t think constantly about it and I even have forgotten about it for a period of time. But it still comes back into my consciousness and when it does it just bothers me for weeks. And that’s where I am right now.

After all this time, I still want my money back. I think if she’s going to charge that much money for a program with meditations, she at least owes the customer recordings that don’t have squeaky chair noises that send someone with PTSD through the fucking roof. Or anyone for that matter. If you’re charging money for a product, don’t sell someone crap.

That’s my major complaint to be honest, the chair noises, and I’d be happy with half my money back.

Since I’d been thinking about this again, I went to my account to see if I could get in and I couldn’t so I sent an email.

The email stated that I was not able to get in even though I used my correct sign in info. I also included my order number and date of purchase. Then I went into asking if she’d fixed those squeaky chair noises in those recordings and again stated that I’d really like some money back if she hasn’t.

Well, I got two emails back. The first one included a link and said where on the page to log in. The second one said the same but with a subject line that said, “Second email just to be clear…”

And nothing addressing what I’d said about the recordings. Just blew it off and ignored it.

What would really be satisfying at this point is to write a review about those recordings, but my blog gets like no traffic so it’s not gonna get seen here. Where can I post something and get it seen and read. I’d even send her an email with a link to it so she can know exactly how I feel and what I think.

I know I fucked up by not getting in touch upon the first startle on the first recording. I should’ve swallowed my fear and co-dependency and emailed her right away. But she in turn is charging a lot of money for this program. At the very least people buying her program who have an exaggerated startle response might want to know this little detail.

In addition the program has gone up significantly in price and on her website, she states there is no refund at all at any time for anything digital. I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.


PS. I don’t need any advice on how I should not buy programs like this online. Believe me. I know. As much money as I’ve spent on so many different things, and after buying that one and having this experience I promised myself never again will I fall for anything or anyone on line marketing their program to heal from PTSD. It turned out also that a lot of what she had in there, I had thought of already.  So it is true to a point, that the answers are inside yourself. Look within.

The advice I am looking for though, is how do I write something and get it to a wide audience? Facebook is not a good choice for me. I know too many people who would just minimize the experience and tell me to just suck it up. It would just hit on deaf ears. They are not my audience.  And if people want to say that here, then I’d prefer you keep it to yourself and think of it as more of a blanket type of advice question.  In general, how do I get anything I write out there to a broader audience?  Thank you.

PANDAS and PANS: Have You Heard of These? This May Be Part of My Puzzle and Not Borderline

I watch a lot of YouTube. Too much really.  And I get a lot of different types of suggested videos on my home page there.  Last night after watching one video, I noticed a thumbnail from ABC 20/20. The title was “Parents fear for young daughter’s safety as her behavior changes dramatically…Part 1.”

I clicked, out of sheer curiosity. I had no idea what it would be about. In that particular video they didn’t even get to what the diagnosis was so I went seeking out part 2. But I’d also read comments under the first video and some people were naming PANDAS as the probable diagnosis.

I had to know more and watched part 2 and 3 hoping to see the whole episode. I finally found a link in the comment section of part 3 to the entire show, which I will link below.

PANDAS stands for Pediatric autoimmune neuropsychiatric disorders associated with streptococcal infections. The video explains it much better than I do, the way it all works in the body, but essentially when you have an infection/virus like strep throat, the virus can make its way across the blood brain barrier and effect your brain…which means it will effect your behavior.

Some of the illnesses named in the references I’ve found so far are strep throat, rheumatic fever and scarlet fever.  I only noticed someone mention scarlet fever in passing, I think it was in the comment section of the article I read. You can find the article here if you’re interested.

The following paragraph from the article is rather interesting:
“The population is split between patients who had never been to a psychiatrist before, and those who had been to one, or many, with less than salutary results.  The presenting complaints varied broadly; anxiety, panic, depression, ADHD, sleep difficulties, OCD, tics, Bipolar Disorder, ODD, headaches, fibromyalgia, medication side effects. And many more.”

As I watched the video and read the article, I wondered seriously how many people have been misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder and other so-called mental disorders but actually have PANDAS.

This requires testing to be absolutely sure and it’s not too probable that I have such testing available to me. In addition to that, it’s not recognized by many doctors. What a fuckin’ surprise righ? Some deny it exists and say that there’s not enough evidence. So even though testing exists to find out, these fucking assholes won’t even order the test let alone acknowledge your concern about it if you mention it to them.

I think about all the psychiatrists I went to see when I was younger, at a time when these doctors still held office hours and talked to their patients. Not one of them ever ordered tests to see if anything was PHYSICALLY wrong. NOT ONE even suggested it.

And later, when I spent time with therapists, nothing like that was suggested either. Now psychiatrists meet with a patient for 15 minutes tops at a time to throw a Rx at people.  It never occurred to me either because well, I was indoctrinated, gas lit and brain washed to believe it was my mind.

I mean for fucks sake, is our brain not a physical part of our body anyway??? Seriously!

But I digress.

Some things that stood out to me in my discovery of this disorder was that my father when he was 9 years old came down with rheumatic fever. It would not have even been 1950 yet, so of course, PANDAS was not even named yet. But that doesn’t mean the symptoms and reactions in the body didn’t exist. The infection would’ve changed his DNA despite being treated.

My father as an adult displayed some of the symptoms of PANDAS. Of course I would not know when they started. It would be interesting to know if anything about his personality changed after he recovered. He was bed-ridden for an entire school year. Had to have a tutor come in to the house and the doctor made house calls.  As an adult though, my father had mood swings, which was the most prominent I would say of his symptoms, traits or whatever you wanna call them. He also displayed rage to a point.I almost hesitate to say that only because I’ve experienced someone raging at me and I’ve raged at others.

My father never did it like that. His anger would be sudden and his voice would boom.  He had a very deep voice and if something set him off suddenly, the unexpected reaction of the angry tone of voice had the same intimidating effect of raging. The end of his rage would be abrupt and he’d turn and walk away.  Then later, you’d never even know he’d been angry.

There was a point in time, during my adolescence though that he seemed to be perpetually angry with me. Just gave me the cold shoulder much of the time or spoke abruptly to me.

And finally he also displayed behaviors that I would be considered OCD and last but not least, severe and I mean severe anxiety and control issues.

As for me and my illnesses: When I was a kid, I had scarlet fever TWICE! Once when I was 5 and then again at the age of 9 at the same time that I had chicken pox.

I’ve already mentioned that I have ragey episodes. I am moody for sure and definitely have some OCD behaviors and habits. AND intense anxiety and control issues.

I know that these things add up to other problems, disorders and “mental” illnesses but they ALSO add up to PANDAS. I know I’m an adult. You could just change it to AANDAS. The symptoms still can play out in an adult.

Adults get strep throat and strep infections, particularly if they work in hospitals and doctor offices. And if they’ve had the aforementioned viruses and infections in the past as children, and it went unnoticed or untreated, then it would still be present in an adult body/brain.

Even treating these infections, PANDAS can still take hold as you will see in the video if you watch it.

I want to make it clear though that even though I think this could be a piece of my puzzle, I still understand that it’s not the answer for everyone. It doesn’t mean I’m discounting the effects of traumatic experiences in any way. I have enough of my own. In fact, intense stressful experiences can trigger PANDAS from what I understand so far. And that’s why I say, “a PIECE of my puzzle.”

In addition I also understand that it might NOT be what’s wrong too. I’m just considering it and I was pretty blown away by the correlations that I see.

More of why I think it might be part of what’s going on with me:
I notice a difference in the way I feel (mood swings), my behavior (rage) and even my thought process and perceptions, when I am eating a certain way. The healthier I eat, the better I feel.The more stable I am in my mood. The more awake I feel when I first get up in the morning.  The less OCD behavior I display.

These behaviors can manifest as a result of inflammation and I notice inflammation in my body in more physical ways more so now than ever. Inflammation plays a part in auto-immune disorders and in fact pretty much any illness.

When I was a young adult, I ate so much take-out, including fast food. That food by sheer design is inflammatory to the healthiest of humans. But when someone who has a sensitive constitution and/or an accumulation of it in their body over a period of time, the reactions will become more and more intense.  A person’s brain can swell and they may not necessarily feel it. And certainly no on on the outside can see it…except in the behaviors that are displayed. And then it’s punished and judged.

Apparently diet is used with some kids who have PANDAS along with probiotics and behavioral therapy. So I can see the correlation with diet. The behavioral therapy? Well I was on the right track there but it’s really useless when the brain is causing the mind to be in a dark place. Not to mention the horrid environment and shitty therapists I got stuck with when I went for it.

It’s frustrating. It seems that I find myself on the right track at times but in the wrong order.

I also tend to self-sabotage because food isn’t a fast fix. It takes time and after about two weeks, I give in to cravings and I get back into a downward spiral and before I know it I’m feeling very out of control again.

Anyway, here’s the video just below. It could be difficult to watch because… well, children are struggling. But the info could also be helpful if you’ve been struggling in some way with your diagnosis and doctors not listening to you.


Another link:

Who Am I Really?

What is said in this video always sets me to ‘verge of tears.’ I don’t usually cry when I listen to or read things like this,  because there is a wall up to the idea. My psyche doesn’t want to see or feel that I…that the human is me, doesn’t even know what that means. It (my psyche) knows that the work is hard to come to such an understanding of who I actually am. I don’t know, perhaps crying would mean admitting that I’d better get to work somehow. And the freeze response kicks in because I have no idea where to start with that.

I am lost and don’t remember when the last time was that I didn’t feel that way. It may have even still been in the womb where I lost who I am, which means that I actually never had the opportunity for a self identity.

This is dark. No wonder the world has been dark for so long.

I know only from a couple audio recordings from when I was about three that I did have some semblance of a self. My voice, it’s so happy. It’s so…well…it’s child like. I can tell that I’m not worried about anyone’s judgment of me. At the time the recordings were done, I would have still been an only child and had my parents to myself.

One part of the recording is me jumping around in the tub. Both parents are there. My dad is talking to me to get me to talk and it seems that I am standing up, as it is the end of the bath. My dad tells me (jokingly) that I’m a nitpicker, in response to something I’d said. And I apparently liked that word and I start to jump up and down in the tub repeating, “Nitpicker mommy, nitpicker.” Over and over again I repeat it.

I wasn’t thinking about whether my mom would be mad at me for splashing around. (She wasn’t and neither was my father.) I wasn’t thinking about how someday the baby that was in my mom’s belly would one day rage at me or that I would bully him for years. I wasn’t thinking about being bullied at school by a nasty nun/teacher or other students. I wasn’t even thinking about how my father had yelled at me on days prior to that.

I was simply doing what I felt.

I don’t have that in me anymore. It was a somewhat gradual loss but at the same time, my self stayed hidden in certain situations and circumstances as I grew up.

Now at 52 I still play small. I have no idea who I am and each day I wake up feeling like I’m living a nightmare. That happy little three year old is so buried, I barely feel her as part of me anymore.
Sure, my circumstances play a part in that. (But who got me here?)

I’m not satisfied in my main relationship. I’ve separated myself from people I used to call my friends. Most of them still live a lifestyle I don’t feel is a good idea for me. I can’t seem to do anything in moderation, let alone discipline myself.

I don’t work, I’m isolated and I breathe cigarette smoke from the apartment below. But all those things don’t contribute half as much to my loneliness and feelings of being trapped as the fact that I have no clue as to who I really am.