The Weird Thing About Facebook…and

Actually this is more about the weird thing about the area I live in combination with Facebook, because hey, most of the people in my friend list are from this area.

I have lived in this county most of my life. I moved here when I was 3 from a nearby state and have lived in numerous places within the county. My parents moved with us kids, four times since I was born. I’m the oldest.

The county we are from has a lot of school districts and is densely populated with over 560,000 people, so in that respect I guess you could say it’s a large county. But…and this is a big but…the area it covers is less than 2000,000 miles.

That, my friend, is a tight squeeze.

There are still many school districts though and since most people meet in school and still know each other, around here, it’s not like everyone knows everyone here.  Small town size and we even have some farming as well as woodsy/forest-y areas. Most of it is suburbia but it can feel like city in some of the more busy areas, like the main terminal for public transportation, between city and burbs and the just the area its in, has more of a city feel.

Let’s just say, although it’s a small area, it’s not like we all know each other nor are we just running into people we know, every time we leave the house. It happens, but not every time.

My siblings and I started off in Catholic school, a very small school in the town we grew up in.

Once we each reached a certain grade, we went to public school.

I finished my one year of Catholic high school and I started public school in my sophomore (10th grade) year. My brother switched over that same year as well but started at the middle school. My sister stayed at the Catholic school until she was finished with 5th grade. She had one more year to go when my brother and I made the switch. She had lots of friends, so I’m not sure if she minded much.

For some strange reason, only known to my fucked up father, he didn’t want to put any of us in the public elementary school.

{Side note: The year my brother and I both switched over, was the same year they moved 9th grade over to the high school and 6th grade over to the junior high, making the junior high a middle school.}

Thing is, because the school district we lived in is so small, I wouldn’t say that each person from that school district knows everyone else from it. But a lot of people know each other, intertwine and there are small degrees of separation.

I can see this so well on Facebook and even though I have my siblings blocked, there are times I can see that one of them has commented on a mutual friend’s post.

This just happened.

It doesn’t set me back or anything but it does make me sad.

The post that prompted this post is one from an old next door neighbor. She posted a picture of her and her father on her wedding day.

My father and her father would have long chats when they’d run into each other outside. The woman who’s post I’m talking about here, ‘babysat’ us once in a while also. So we have some memories there.

I was going to comment, but then I noticed my friend, addressed someone with the same name as my sister and I figured it must be her.

Since I have her blocked, I can’t see her comment but can tell by the friend’s response that she is indeed addressing my sister, not someone else with the same name.

So that kind of changed my mind about commenting.

I know one thing I could do is un-friend anyone with connections to my siblings. I have actually thought of that. But that’s the crazy thing about the area I live in. So many of us are intertwined with each other. Even though I’m more than five years older than my sister, we know a lot of the same people. She’s even got people in her list that she wouldn’t know unless she knew me. So that’s a bit weird as well.

I’m guessing here because I can’t see her profile anymore with blocking her. But I had been on Facebook before and after a breakup, I deactivated my account and allowed it to completely close. I’d closed it before waking up to who and what my family is so before that, I’d been connected to my siblings through Facebook.

When I made a new account a few years later, one of the first things I did was block my siblings.

In some cases, I’ve done just that. I graduated with my brother-in-law’s cousin. We were friends before I closed down my original account. And I, in fact didn’t block her in the beginning, likely because I didn’t think about it. I’d seen her in threads and just didn’t engage. This was a bit of a battle for me because I like her and wanted to friend her again, but knew it wasn’t a good idea considering the circumstances.

I eventually did block her, but didn’t feel good about it.  You can bet however, you’d see many matching names (because of school) in our friend lists.

But I refuse to do that with every single person who is intertwined with one or both siblings and myself. Whether it be for the principle behind that or because I enjoy their posts, want to keep up with their news, or because I don’t want to hurt feelings or whatever, I just don’t feel good about bowing out of every connection.

The woman I did block from my graduating class, is also family…sort of. My sister and her husband are close to his cousins so yeah, that’s too close of a connection and that’s different.

I see the presence of lots of people who I’m not friends with as well, who could possibly, probably and some I know for a fact, know my siblings. I don’t generally initiate the friending when it comes to those people. But I will friend them back if they request it.

Last I knew, both my siblings were also still friends with a friend of mine I met in a work place, through an old boyfriend. She is from the same county but from a different school district. So they didn’t know her until long after I did.

So, it gets a bit sticky there on Facebook. I’ve navigated for long enough now though that I don’t really think about needing to be careful or anything. Not as of yet, at least. I don’t use Facebook to air the family shit so there’s no worrying about anything getting back to anyone.

I mostly post cute animal and pet stuff. Once in awhile I might take a stand on something. I generally stay out of politics although I’ve made a comment here and there. But most of my comments in other people’s threads are benign and sometimes attempts at being funny.

There’s cool things about so many people having small degrees of separation. But sometimes it has this entrapping feeling, just because of the situation I’m in with my siblings.  The good thing though is that the county I live in, has many school districts and the population is dense.

I mention school districts for a couple reasons. One…it seems to be a way to divide areas in our county that makes sense to pretty much anyone you talk to around here. And two…because that’s where a portion of the people come from that people meet.  One hundred people out of 242 are from my high school. A couple of those are a friend’s kids. But that’s still quite a ratio.

Thankfully the large population of the county, makes it so that run-ins with my siblings are not highly likely.

{Now watch me see one of them tomorrow, since I said that.}

Either way, I’m not going to just de-friend all those people. If anything, I would shut down the account completely. But I’m not gonna do that either.

I try not to get on too often because when I do I get sucked in and waste a lot of time there. I admit I’m not close to anyone in my friend list on Facbook though. I do see it as a good way to stay connected and especially with future in mind. You just never know when you might want to reach out to someone…or vice versa.

I do have issues with a couple people in my list, but I don’t make anything of it on FB. I’ve thought about un-friending there too. But have not and at this point don’t have the intention to. Radical acceptance in the works.

I’m feeling a bit sad and nostalgic after “seeing” that my sister commented on our old next door neighbors post about her dead father, who I liked, and so I would’ve liked to have comment on the post too, but the sadness will pass.

It’s not like I bumped into her physically, so I’m still safe.

I know there’s a lot wrong with FB and it can really be a time waster. But there are positives about it too. I don’t post a lot and I don’t comment much either. But I do want to keep the communication lines open there, for myself to the people I may want to or need to reach out to at some point.

Luckily there’s a block function and I know how to use it.

Father’s Day?!

It’s 2 pm here on Sunday June 18 and I just realized it’s fathers’ day. Thank you google.

Happy fathers’ day to those fathers out there who are breaking and have broken a cycle of abuse and any and all who were never caught up in one. And any other fathers struggling for their children daily.

I’m in need of remembering that not all fathers are bad dads. I read and hear about such horrid experiences from learning about my own, it helps me feel better to know that there are people…specifically referring to men today…who genuinely love their kids and understands what that even means. That it’s more than making the statement, “I love you.”

My father said it all the time but many of his actions and some of his behavior contradicted those words.

My father also used to tell me I could do anything I set my mind to do, referring to earning a living. But there was no guidance or nurturing of any talent or skill.

I was searching YT for a video to post in honor of good fathers and I kept worrying about posting something too upsetting. Even in the funny ones something may come across as abusive to someone.

One series of videos I came across though was something ABC did in 2009 (?) on breaking the cycle of abuse. It features more than just fathers and shows abuse taking place in homes where the parents and guardians agreed to have cameras put in their homes.

It’s hard to watch and precisely the reason I’m not posting the actual video(s)here, but my point is that the admittance of the abuse is the first step in stopping the cycle. These people were able to see and admit that something was very wrong.

One father had been abused by his father as a child and wanted to do the right thing but of course didn’t know what that was since he didn’t have a proper model.

See how it’s a cycle. I know it’s easy to get angry at each abuser but each one learned it somewhere.

The people on the show got the help they needed in learning how to cope with the unpleasant behaviors of their children, prevent them from escalating and learned the proper way of teaching them right from wrong other than spanking, threatening, etc.

As I said, it was hard to watch in parts, but it was also good to see awareness from those who know they are causing pain, acknowledging it and doing something about it.

Anyway, happy fathers’ day.

Adrenal Fatigue…I Think

OK so I’m not diagnosed or anything, but having read enough about PTSD and the effects of long term abuse, I have no doubt I have adrenal issues of one sort or another. What the title of the diagnosis would be, I have no idea.

I also know that when tested by a conventional doctor, the ones covered by shitty insurance, the tests they do won’t register, in some instances, as having anything wrong even if there is.

I have not been exactly diligent in taking care of myself either. I do feel I could recover but it means changing a lot of habits. It means eating better, sleeping during a certain window of time and it means doing the right exercises. And it takes time.

I went grocery shopping today. I made sure to eat before I left so I wouldn’t be hungry at the store, or get into trouble with wonky blood sugar. If I get hungry, it causes stress reactions in my body, sending more cortisol to my brain.  Something I don’t need since it’s part of the problem of PTSD.

Even taking care to take care of myself before leaving, I still feel exhausted. It didn’t even take me that long, despite going to a store that I don’t really know my way around all that well yet.  I went there for a couple reasons:

1) It’s cheaper than Whole Foods and I am trying to find ways of saving on food money. (I will still use Whole Foods for produce because it’s the only grocery store that has good produce around here. I can pick up a few things here and there at other places but at WF I can pretty much get my whole produce list.)

2) That particular branch of the chain I went to, although a little out of the way, it is not crazy crowded. And today I discovered the people that shop there are not rude or walking around with a feeling of entitlement. Meaning they don’t keep coming toward you and expect you to move, even if they’re on the wrong side.

They also said excuse me at the store I went to today, when it was appropriate. The clientele at WF doesn’t generally do this. They will walk right into you and then act like you’re the rude one.

Anyway, to get to my point, I’m exhausted, just from going grocery shopping. I feel like I could take a nap now at 4 pm and sleep through the night.

I have just begun to change some things so I don’t want to say much about that yet. Consistency is key and not a strong trait of mine.

Tailgaters Suck Ass

This happens to me all the time and I’m no granny driver.

However, I do become one in a 15 mile school zone when the lights are flashing. But despite the school zone, it never fails that I get a fucking asshole tail gater. I swear I’m a magnet for these dicks. And I’m sick of it.

Today, one came creeping up from quite a distance and never should have caught up to me if he’d been doing the speed limit.  I was right in front of the school the zone was in and this guy was in my trunk.

The next thing that happens is the guy behind him lays on his horn.

Like tell me WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK is wrong with these people.

It’s a school zone. Kids are everywhere, including crossing the road we’re on.

How the fuck do I stop these assholes who do this from pissing me off? It ruins my entire day and I’m ready to go sit at a bar and get trashed.

I hate this area. Aggressive drivers are everywhere and tailgating is a major problem around here. Even when you’re not a granny driver.

(No offense to grannies or slow drivers. I prefer to do the speed limit myself. But much of the time when you do that around here, you get run off the road or majorly and aggressively tailgated.)

I just wanna know how do I get it to stop making me so angry?

Life and the Absence of Writing Progress

Geez. I haven’t posted in three days so I thought I’d better do that, if only for my own peace of mind because progress in writing isn’t going all that well. I have intentions and plans but no results as of yet.

Probably fear and my old/new friend “Scattered”, but a lot of it is being the irresponsible kid. “I don’t wanna.”  I’m not one to say, “Just get over it.” But that is one thing I do gotta get over. Being an adult I really do need to bite the bullet as they say and ‘just do it.’ Am I allowed to use Nike’s slogan?

So anyway, as I said, no progress in gathering notes. I feel like I’m trying to achieve some sort of momentum or traction. Like I have some invisible ducks to put in a row before I actually start to write or even gather my notes. The notes need to be gathered, though, that’s a definite.

Right now I’m listening to a not so far off jack hammer in action and I’m thinking, “There’s something I won’t miss.”

Not that I hear jack hammers everyday, but lately there is a lot of road construction around here. I think it’s the electric company laying new stuff under the streets. My town has been full of closed roads this summer and most of those roads are narrow, neighborhood and what you’d call back roads. The roads I use, so I can stay off the main ones.

In fact before I started writing, I walked into the room where my computer is and my kitty in a rare occurrence sleeping in the windowsill. And I could smell diesel. My first thought: “I won’t miss that.”

We are close to a fairly main road that is used for coming out of the city as well as coming off of a highway a few miles up from us.

I remember as a kid how I’d feel sick to my stomach when one of my parents stopped for gas. The smell made my stomach gurgle, as it did during the morning ride to school and later to work when we/I got stuck riding/driving behind something that used diesel fuel.

Luckily, even though I sometimes smell it in the mornings, it’s not as bad as being behind a vehicle that is expelling the waste of diesel out of the tailpipes. Closing the windows helps, but it sucks to have to do that on nice days like today. It’s overcast, but the temp. is perfect. I love the fall.

But that jack hammer is going to probably give me a headache. So…

As I’m writing it’s occurred to me to write a list of…well two lists. Since we’re moving, I want to do a list of what I’ll miss and then a list of what I won’t miss. I’ll do that in post form here. I think it will do me good too.

Other Progress

In the way of writing and blogging, I quickly went through some things I’ve written in the past, other than the things pertaining to abuse. I have a few different niches and I’m looking at this as a way to organize. That way it isn’t so overwhelming. The progress is a list of each topic/niche and a summary. I also have photos I’d like to post as well, maybe do something like a Wordless Wednesday blog with the pictures of my cat and the other cats around here. That’s a subject to make me laugh and smile, something I really need more right now to balance out this sadness and grief.

My back is feeling much better, in fact the pain is gone completely. So it must have been muscle and not my ribs. Thankfully.

I did some floor exercises on Saturday, mostly ones I learned in PT for a herniated disc. Despite the  heart palps, I need to find a way to exercise in this way because the herniation still causes some pain, especially if I sit for long periods of time. I’m surprised it wasn’t effected more after lifting that heavy bin.

No cardio but I still got heart palps that night. Also, I notice they start at night, which brings me to my sleeping pattern progress. It’s not going so well.

The other thing I’m questioning as far as the heart palps and I think I mentioned it in the last post about this, is the concentrated dietary oils. I in fact had a salad with a dressing made with olive and sesame oils on Saturday as well, and I actually felt the palps starting shortly after I ate that salad.

My eating habits as far as the food itself goes is pretty good. No junk and no take out.  It appears though that I’m going to have to really observe my reactions (not something new) to different foods even though they may be deemed healthy by the masses. They may not be right for me. I’m struggling with the timing of the meals though because I’m not getting up according to circadian rhythm. And that’s because I’m not going to bed according to it either.  This frustrates me but I also know this is a choice on my part.

This isn’t my own progress but Mr. B got a lot done in the garage this weekend. I think he got some momentum going by Sunday (yesterday) and we’ve now got some pretty interesting things sitting in our living room.  The plan is for him to be out there on the weekends up until the weekend before Halloween to go through everything (or as much as he can) out there and decide what he wants to sell, clean it up and bring it around front and into the living room. That way, we’re not hauling everything around the night before and the morning of our yard sale.

Right now we’ve got a nice pile going in a corner of our living room of some pretty interesting stuff. We needed to move a floor lamp and a chair into the dining room for more room.

One other thing that I got was the refinishing of a black board frame I’ve had since the 70s. I used it to draw on and play school with it. It had a couple rock band names written on the frame in magic marker. I sanded the whole frame down and then painted it with a stain that had a glossy finish ‘built into’ it.

It’s getting listed on craigslist before attempting to sell it in the yard sale. I have a couple other big things for craigslist as well.

I have a ‘To Do’ list to get through today of a few items. I had a checklist of three yesterday and did them all. So pat on the back from me to me. 🙂

As for my writing and doing all the other things I want to do, I think one part of the solution is to stop spending so much time reading, and get myself writing, posting, taking pics, organizing, packing, etc.

And work on that circadian thing.

And just to add, I’m not against reading. I love reading. I have learned a lot from reading. I am learning a lot from reading. I’m not going to completely stop reading. But I spend whole days reading sometimes and that’s what I’m talking about when I say I need to stop reading so much.

Update: Friday, June 2, 2017

Quoting part of the above post:
“As I’m writing it’s occurred to me to write a list of…well two lists. Since we’re moving, I want to do a list of what I’ll miss and then a list of what I won’t miss. I’ll do that in post form here. I think it will do me good too.”

I never did this. I really want to stop announcing things I want, intend or plan to do because I then don’t. Not that I’ll do it if I don’t announce it but at least I won’t be making empty promises to myself or others. It’s not like I’m thinking people are reading and holding me to everything I say or even remembering. It’s something that is important to me though, for self improvement purposes.

About the black board: It sold at the yard sale. I got some interest in it on CL but that prospect fell through. Tbh: I wish I’d kept it, especially after refinishing the frame. That thing was no joke either. Heavy and great quality.

Reading through this again, I see how little progress I’ve made in the last couple years and it’s depressing. I never followed through on getting any book together or finished with sorting through all posts.

It’s basically the story of my life. I plan and I plan to plan and then never implement the plan. Time to stop talking about what I’m going to do and just do it…or not.

I want mention though that I did sort through posts yesterday and pulled out the ones pertaining to the guy I had an affair with from 2009 until 2012. A lot of emotions there and some cringe worthy stuff. I feel so pathetic about some of the shit I wrote and expressed. My intention was to purge them onto their own blog but that remains to be seen at this point. If I do that, comments will be disabled.

 

Progress Report, Daily Details + Link and Video for Childhood Trauma

I did nothing toward the logistic progress of any book yesterday.

I have some things listed on eBay and something sold so I packaged that up.  That task seems to still take me longer than I’d like. But I was more efficient about it than I’d been in the past. Maybe breaking it up into chunks was helpful for me. PTSD can really do a number on focus and organizing.

I made sure to not get too anxious about doing it right away. Just because an order comes in doesn’t mean you can’t eat first if you’re hungry. So that’s what I did. In between I got some laundry going too, since I had to go to the basement to get the big box of bubble wrap anyway.

During the actual bubble wrapping and boxing the items, I listened to a video on Self healing trauma. I’ll link it below. The guy has a website too so I’ll link that as well.

My meals were on the healthy side: A smoothie for breakfast; a salad with chicken and the ranch dressing I made yesterday from cashews, for lunch; and poached eggs with cheese and rice for dinner.  The cheese isn’t the best choice but eggs with cheese is just so tasty.

I had also done some reading in the morning, so my breakfast didn’t happen until about noon. And I spent too much time on Facebook during the whole of yesterday.

I got out for that bike ride, just as I’d planned but don’t think it’s a good idea to include that in my exercise plan anymore for now.  I do need to get outside more though, so I’m thinking along the lines of walking on flatter ground for short distances. Soon it will be getting darker much earlier so I will need to get that in earlier, perhaps before eating dinner would be ideal.

I had some really bad and scary heart palpitations last night that started after dinner and got worse as the night went on. So by the time I went to bed, things inside my chest were quite uncomfortable and alarming.  This isn’t completely new and I’d experienced them before after some somewhat high intensity cardio. High intensity for me means pushing up a few hills on my bike.

Given past eating habits, fairly recent weight gain and my continual depression and grieving process, this isn’t so surprising. I said the palps aren’t new, but they are new in the bigger picture since I’ve only been experiencing heart palps for the last couple (if that) years.  They are mostly mild, when I have them but I’ve experienced more intense ones, one other time before last night.

At first I thought they were coming from having eaten the salad dressing which contains some olive oil and sesame oil. In the past with careful observation, I’ve noticed the palpitations have started immediately after consuming concentrated oils, such as the two mentioned. But then I realized, although the oil may have contributed, it was the bike ride that was the real culprit.

I took a few supplements that I’ve heard and read from some naturopath doctors that are good support for the heart. One I included was niacin and I believe that opened up my blood vessels enough to get the palpitations to stop and regulate my heart again.

I hadn’t taken niacin for quite some time and the last time I did, it hadn’t had such an intense effect. But last night it only took one capsule and within ten minutes (if that) my skin felt like it was kinda burning. Not generally a pleasant feeling. But feeling that, made it feel like it was working for me all over. The skin on my face particularly was pulsating, my sinuses were swelled up and I had to breathe from my mouth, but my heart had calmed down so I in turn did also.

Please note this DISCLAIMER: That I said I BELIEVE the niacin helped. I am not a doctor and I don’t KNOW for sure if this helped. Do not take this as medical advice. Do not take this as a claim for a cure. Whether it stopped my palps for the moment or not, it certainly did not cure the problem. Such an issue as heart palpitations calls for seeing a doctor.

Click here to check out the website I referred to above. The website is called Wild Truth written and run by Daniel Mackler.

The video I watched yesterday also with Daniel Mackler:

Sorting Thoughts and Emails from My Father + Some Daily Detail

A muscle pain in my back really knocked me out yesterday. Luckily I have a friend who is a massage therapist and she was able to see me yesterday. It helped a lot but I was depressed and completely dysphoric afterward.

I thought about things I’d like to do and things that need to be done and was interested only in going back to bed. But then I did get some writing done by hand first thing in the morning. I was drawn to it to the point of need. A good part of that need was worry of losing what I’d wanted to say.

The mornings, as soon as I wake up is generally the time that my brain starts working in a writing way. I don’t always take advantage of it, but I need to start.

Most of what I’d written though is something I’ve written before, either by hand or keyboard. So that tells me that writing doesn’t release the pain the issue causes all by itself.

And just writing that, I start to feel tired again, I want to give up, throw my arms up and say, “You know, forget it. There must be something more productive to do.”

I’m finding it difficult to get my thoughts organized enough right now to produce an Open Office file that I could just simply upload to Kindle.

Do I really need a table of contents? And if I do can I insert it later? Because I have no idea what it will be if I have one at all after writing. I guess given what I want to publish, would constitute chapters. That would make sense and therefore a table of contents. But just the writing of it alone, and then combining that with the need to put the conscious effort of having to make it Kindle compatible is making me anxious as hell. And again I procrastinate.

But I remind myself I did do something yesterday towards it. In fact what I wrote by pen was much more descriptive and emotional than what I wrote by keyboard a couple days ago. And even if I did write the same ‘scene’ before, there will be something different about the way I wrote it yesterday morning.

And since I had an appointment to see my friend in the morning, I was up by 6:15 am yesterday.

Just to recap progress, I have gathered emails between my father and me and printed them out. I also drew out a calendar of the last and first two months of that year to see the timing of emails. I noticed that there were chunks of silence between emails when he didn’t need something from me.

I also went through other documents, I’d written via keyboard and sorted those into their own folder as well.

Other things to be done:
I want to go through some other emails that I exchanged with a friend who helped me immensely understand the abuse and how emotional abuse and family scapegoating works. I’ll be printing the ones out that pertain to that topic around what was going on at that time: First few months of 2013.

I also have some stuff I wrote by hand in journals that I want to sort through. Hopefully they can also contribute to organizing my thoughts and write something that really illustrates what happened and serves to heal the wounds it created. I’d like to figure out how to give it some background too. I was treated like a doormat and a dumpster for those few months, but the factors that allowed for such an environment didn’t happen overnight or exist in a vacuum. And it wasn’t the first time I was treated like that, it was just the first I was becoming awake and aware to it.

Other Stuff

Exercise: Yesterday was another day of no exercise. But given my back muscle pain that did feel better yesterday was still an issue. When I turned over on the massage table yesterday, I felt the pain shoot through my mid back around to my chest.

It’s a lot better today, but it’s still sore. I’m planning to take my bike out later in the day, before it gets dark. But that remains to be seen. That shouldn’t entail too much back use or even much arm use. It’s really just to get out for fresh air more so than for the purpose of exercise. There’s some little roads I can ride on to enjoy nature and take it easy.

Food: For breakfast (yesterday) I had rice and poached eggs.  The eggs are good that way if you don’t want to eat bread. Later I caved for potato chips. I know much of it was being depressed and looking for comfort. I made a ranch dip from cashews to go with it. That dip is really a dressing recipe and I’d planned to make it anyway to eat on salads with the chicken I made. Thinking that will be my (better) choice today.

That being said and done though, I didn’t eat as many chips as I normally would. I didn’t feel fulfilled or satisfied by them and I stopped eating them before the bowl I’d poured some into was empty. So back in the bag they went. They wouldn’t be here at all if not for my roommate though. Not that I blame him for my weakness. I just wanted to make clear I didn’t buy them.

Sleep: Despite my exhaustion last night I still didn’t go to bed til about midnight. And since I didn’t really have dinner, my stomach was growling. Luckily I can sleep on empty and I didn’t go give in to the hunger. It was too late at night.

This morning I woke around 8 and stayed up. Read a little. I took two other books out of the library besides the writing book I mention in this post. And again, I picked another winner. It’s nothing to do with writing though.

For breakfast (this morning) which wasn’t until about 10 or so I had a banana/peanut butter smoothie, made also with some cashew milk I made myself.

I also talked a little to Mr. B. (my roomie) about selling some stuff and getting out to the garage to sort through the stuff this weekend. He’s a pack rat, but he’s agreeable and knows this shit has to get done. At first I suggested listing on Craigslist and then thought better of it. I think a yard sale, despite having to have it in October will be better. We’ll get rid of stuff in one fell swoop and won’t have to arrange meetings with individual humans to buy things.

And since I no longer care about the cleanliness of the house, because my focus is on what’s needed for us to move,  we are going to start this weekend to bring the stuff around from garage to living room. We live in a small house and the stuff will take up a good portion of the living room. But to hell with dragging it around from the garage the morning of or even the night before. Preparing a bit at a time will relieve some stress.

Depending on what happens at this one, we may have another one the month before we move. Famous last words though.

Update Friday, 6/2/17
I wish I’d written the name of the book I’d mentioned above.
We didn’t have a garage sale the month before we moved. Garage/Yard sales are exhausting.
KIndle ebooks: There’s a project that went onto a back burner. It looks like I wasn’t too clear on why I was gathering emails. Looks like it was for an ebook. I still want to do that, but when/if it happens, it will more likely be for the blog and for insight.

The Shoe Kinda Dropped

This morning I woke at around 7:15 and got up to pee. I’d gone to bed late so I knew getting up at 6 wasn’t going to happen.

I went back to lay down for another 45 minutes but ended up not going back to sleep and when I got up 15 minutes before my alarm, I decided to use that time to meditate.

Not a whole lot of meditating got done since my mind was everywhere. But then I learned recently that you’re not really supposed to silent your mind, but I did catch myself a time or two and said, “Stop.” It’s good to catch yourself and focus on your breath even if you know your mind won’t be blank.

When I got up from my attempt at meditating, I noticed I had what felt like a sore muscle pain. In fact I still have it and it’s gotten progressively worse throughout the day. There was a point in the day that I thought it might be a broken rib but I didn’t do anything that would’ve made that happen. So I was puzzled.

It’s difficult to get good breaths but I can manage and it’s not too excruciating as long as I’m not sitting a certain way. The pain radiates from just under my left shoulder blade to my side along the rib cage there and then around front to my chest. I can only feel it in my chest while sitting up in bed, like right now. But today I was sitting at my desk and it didn’t radiate that far.

I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out what I’d done. I couldn’t remember lifting anything heavy and thought maybe I did something in my sleep. But eventually I remembered. On Saturday, I lifted a bin that had a lot of photographs in it. I lifted it off an even bigger bin that had a bunch of clothes in it that I haven’t been able to wear in a long time. I felt the need to build up some excitement for bringing my weight down. In fact I was excited to look at all my cute stuff.

So I remember when I lifted the smaller but heavy bin off the larger bin, I pivoted in such a way that when I did it I knew it was not the right way to have done that. But I wasn’t effected immediately and I didn’t hurt yesterday either. But wow, today has been bad and I’m now exhausted and very uncomfortable to say the least. I have no idea how I’m going to sleep.

Needless to say, my progress in writing was really slow today. I’m sure the pain has something to do with it. But I also found myself feeling stuck. I wasn’t feeling the emotion I needed to be off and running that I needed when I sat down to write. I started a couple different times, trying to start in the right place, to make it sound right, compelling, true, good.

It wasn’t working and I could feel the struggle. I was so frustrated.

I was trying to think of specific dates relating to the end of my father’s life. I really need to tell that story. It’s the last thing that sent me further into a downward spiral and I’ve never completely grieved, even though I cried at his funeral. There’s so much more to it than that. That’s for sure.

In trying to piece together some dates, I remembered some correspondence between my father and me. After finding the emails I needed for that specific information, I continued reading. I found an email I’d forgotten about writing and contained things I’d forgotten feeling at that time  The tears flowed and I thought, “There! That’s what I’ve wanted. To feel, to cry.”

But the tears were a mix of emotions including the frustration at my struggle today.

I also remembered later, that I have journal entries that tell the story and letters to family members that were never sent and never meant to be. Those will help me write my story.

The pain on my left side felt like the shoe dropping. Esoterically speaking, it’s my understanding that the left side pertains to your past.

I’m going to attempt to find a therapist for this process. But I’m not going to let any difficulty in finding one stop me from proceeding however. The distraction of this nasty pain might though.

My subconscious seems to be stopping me mentally, emotionally and physically.

I’m anxious that I didn’t get much done. But I felt a lot more than I have in a long time and I made some discoveries that hadn’t registered for me before, which contributed to the heavy emotion.

I’m still working on the Tag Line for the blog as well as a display name. Not sure what I want to call myself yet. The blog is called Sleeping Tiger, but it’s not the name I want to use for myself. I figure it will come to me some morning upon awakening. You just can’t rush these things. I will also eventually write an “About” page to explain why I chose Sleeping Tiger. It’s clear within myself why but I’m not so sure it will translate in words right now.

Overall I feel frustrated, overwhelmed, aggravated, anxious. I want to get to it while at the same time I want to avoid it. I want to avoid everything about it. The hard work, the emotions, the logistics of piecing it all back together, making myself vulnerable and putting myself out there. And then even looking back at the behavior of my family. Not just their behavior but my own. Talk about cringe-worthy and shame.