A Quote in Context

So I have this refrigerator magnet that my mother gave me. Not sure when but no doubt it was part of a bigger gift. She was always a great gift giver.

But this one thing, this magnet say, “Don’t let yesterday use up too much of today.” -Native American Proverb

It’s a nice thought actually. Just that saying all by itself. But in the context of the message that’s been tossed my way each time I had some issue, some problem I wanted to discuss after it had made its way into the what she considered too far into the past to be important. And even worse is that many times it never was important to her at all.

The living too much in the past and being too sensitive was the message, even if it wasn’t said directly.

So the magnet, or rather the saying on the magnet seems just another way of sending that message.

And that’s why when I found it after unboxing some stuff I had stored away, I threw it into the living room from the dining room, and said, “That’s outta here.”

I salvaged it off the floor today long enough to write this post. Now that I’ve done that, this thing is going into the Goodwill box.

Adrenal Fatigue…I Think

OK so I’m not diagnosed or anything, but having read enough about PTSD and the effects of long term abuse, I have no doubt I have adrenal issues of one sort or another. What the title of the diagnosis would be, I have no idea.

I also know that when tested by a conventional doctor, the ones covered by shitty insurance, the tests they do won’t register, in some instances, as having anything wrong even if there is.

I have not been exactly diligent in taking care of myself either. I do feel I could recover but it means changing a lot of habits. It means eating better, sleeping during a certain window of time and it means doing the right exercises. And it takes time.

I went grocery shopping today. I made sure to eat before I left so I wouldn’t be hungry at the store, or get into trouble with wonky blood sugar. If I get hungry, it causes stress reactions in my body, sending more cortisol to my brain.  Something I don’t need since it’s part of the problem of PTSD.

Even taking care to take care of myself before leaving, I still feel exhausted. It didn’t even take me that long, despite going to a store that I don’t really know my way around all that well yet.  I went there for a couple reasons:

1) It’s cheaper than Whole Foods and I am trying to find ways of saving on food money. (I will still use Whole Foods for produce because it’s the only grocery store that has good produce around here. I can pick up a few things here and there at other places but at WF I can pretty much get my whole produce list.)

2) That particular branch of the chain I went to, although a little out of the way, it is not crazy crowded. And today I discovered the people that shop there are not rude or walking around with a feeling of entitlement. Meaning they don’t keep coming toward you and expect you to move, even if they’re on the wrong side.

They also said excuse me at the store I went to today, when it was appropriate. The clientele at WF doesn’t generally do this. They will walk right into you and then act like you’re the rude one.

Anyway, to get to my point, I’m exhausted, just from going grocery shopping. I feel like I could take a nap now at 4 pm and sleep through the night.

I have just begun to change some things so I don’t want to say much about that yet. Consistency is key and not a strong trait of mine.

Shadows in the Dark

At the in-between, just before complete sleep, sometimes I am visited by a shadow. It comes after me. It wraps itself around me, smothering and engulfing me. It doesn’t want me to get away. It scares me. I want out of its grip.

I fight to wake myself up as I know it’s the only way to escape. But it’s like I’m trapped, sort of. And it feels like attempting to get to the surface from a very dark depth of an ocean. Ocean of fear.

I try to scream and yell knowing the noise from my own voice will awaken me, but no sound comes. And I push to hear myself again.

There are times I’ve actually been able to get the sound out and as it escapes my lips, I awaken, beating heart in my chest. Other times, I have to continue the fight to open my eyelids, feeling desperate to get away from the ‘demon’ yet my body wants to continue its slumber.

It’s a battle between mind and body. And when mind wins out and I pull myself out, my heart beat is intense against my chest while simultaneously, there is a sense of relief.

Another small battle ensues as my mind is frightened but my body pulls me back to sleep.