Borderline

Don’t know who you are. So when becoming involved with someone else, codependency may arise. It certainly has for me.

I care too much about what others think. I fear abandonment if I’m not the way he wants me to be. (But not just significant others. It’s like that with other people too.)

I try to adapt. And find myself with no boundaries.

However, there is more to it. Codependency really becomes a loss of self. But what is it when there’s no sense of self to begin with?

It’s enmeshment I think. It’s almost like you want to become that person, or at least never leave their side.

And the kicker is, a borderline will usually be attracted to someone who isn’t emotionally available. Someone who doesn’t have a firm grasp on themselves. Someone looking to be fulfilled from outside themselves also, since like the borderline, they aren’t able to find fulfillment within.

Addendum:
Something from the journals in the drawer. Additions are in this color (some shade of purple.) 

I wish I had dated this one but I didn’t. This reflects my own experience. As much as I don’t much like the label of borderline, I can’t deny the characteristics from the DSM that I display. I am diagnosed with PTSD but I can go down the list of BPD criteria and know that I fit much of it.

I originally wrote the above, with a particular ex in mind, who showed some characteristics of borderline as well as some narcissism. He could not be alone. His relationships always overlapped. He was impulsive but not the same way that I am. He was never violent and also never yelled. But whatever. He had plenty of other issues.
I’m not bringing that up to lay blame or get all bitter. It’s been years now since he sent me that text that he was “moving in with her.” But it doesn’t feel like all that long ago. It’s so weird how recent it still seems, although it doesn’t hurt like it did then. I would never want to feel that pain again.

In fact, as difficult as it was to get that text, I am glad he’s gone. I would’ve been miserable with him. I pushed him away plenty. He didn’t just up and leave for someone else out of the blue. 

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