I am not prepared to write about all the details of kratom, but wanted to put this out there because in the past kratom has helped me.
I’ll include some links at the end of this post so that if anyone reading is interested and doesn’t already know about it, they can educate themselves that way. I am open to discussion but I can only speak from my own experience.
First I will say that I stopped taking it before because I do tend to get some adverse effects from it.
I have dealt with heart palpitations and some effects to my lungs…I can tell this when I would laugh, I would sound like an old smoker or someone with asthma. Anyone remember Mutley from the cartoons of the 70s. I sounded like that. But then I get the same effect from coffee, only not quite as bad.
It’s my understanding that kratom is from the same family or genus, or something like that…but don’t quote me on that.
When I stopped kratom, that effect to my laugh/lungs went away.
It also tends to make me feel a certain type of groggy in the morning, from the previous day. But then I feel groggy anyway. So I guess it’s a trade off in different types of fog (or grog.)
However there’s benefits, which I’ll get into. It’s what brought me back to it, particularly at this point in time when I’ve been feeling so rotten and like I want to be dead.
Being sensitive, I also need to be careful and test it out a little at a time. Since I stopped taking it for almost a year, I am really at square one again, although I know more about it and its effects on my brain and body more so now, than I did last time.
I also want to mention that I had no problem quitting when I decided to do that. I have more of an issue giving up coffee than I did kratom. Once I’ve been drinking coffee on the regular, when I go to quit, I get a migraine for days. When I stopped kratom a little less than a year ago, I had no such problem.
I purchased a few different types and am testing them one at a time. I had a particular mix before that worked well for me before, but I have bought from a different company this time because the other company is one I’d have to access to through Facebook and I am presently not on it.
I received the order yesterday morning and tried a small amount of one kind in some orange juice.(I will mention that most people don’t like the taste of it at all, but mixed in OJ I don’t mind it.)
I noticed a calming/relaxing effect after a short period of time. That being said though, it did not make me any less angry when the dickhead next door, played some music really loud in the parking lot in his car, with the doors open, vibrating our entire apartment. That is an entirely different story, so I won’t get into it here, but wanted to mention that kratom doesn’t make you oblivious and numb to shit around you. And that is not what I’m using it for.
Today I took another kind and mixed it up in my fatty coffee. My fatty coffee is: coffee, butter and coconut milk. After the coffee by itself is brewed in the coffee maker, I transfer it to a pot to heat on the stove and melt the fat into it, because when I add the milk, it cools the coffee down too much for my liking. Once it’s hot again, I add it to my blender and make it frothy.
This morning I just added some of the kratom to the blender with the rest of the mixture. It took a little while, but I am feeling the effects of it now.
OK so I want to be clear about this stuff. This is not something that I’m using to get some euphoric effect. I am using it to lift the depression so that I can live my life and be somewhat productive. So that I have motivation and drive to prepare healthy food in my kitchen. So that I have drive to stay alive and be productive toward some semblance of independence. So I have motivation to move my body.
It also helps me to feel less like a sore thumb in public. I feel a bit more confident about myself and like I have the right to fill the space that I do.
It clears my mind so that I am able to communicate better with others and I don’t feel flustered when I’m asked something that I may have some difficulty with forming the answer to. Because I can think a little quicker on my feet or if not, I have the confidence to pause and think about it before I say anything.
It helps to organize my thoughts. And it tends to nullify the chronic anger I tend to feel at the world, while not diminishing my healthy emotions.
And then with all of this, there is less anxiety.
That is my experience. I also understand that I will need to be careful with it and it is not going to be in my best interest to take it every single day. The adverse effects though, also show that it is cumulative in my system, which means it’s cumulative in the positive as well. Meaning it is capable of holding the depression at bay for a few days without me taking it.
It’s just gotten too dark and quite frankly the urge to die had been getting too real. So back to feeling better is what I decided to do, despite the piper that needs to be paid as well.
Not without a long term plan though:
I know not everything that works in theory, works in real life, but I have to try anyway.
My thought process is that kratom is a spring board to help me get healthier physically and to help me face the traumatic shit that I feel the need to face, to heal emotionally and psychologically, but has been knocking the wind out of me. So I guess you could say it’s a crutch, but so be it.
Sometimes…in fact, usually, help is needed.
Anti-depressants have been known to help some people get over very big obstacles of debilitating depression, so although I wanted to do all this healing without a crutch, it just isn’t working out.But in my case, anti-depressants have done way more harm than good, so that is not an option as far as I’m concerned.
All I’ve been wanting to do is hide from the world, sit in my apartment, eat junk food and sleep.
That is not getting better. I’m getting worse. And even though I’m in DBT and it is helping me in a few different ways: insight, understanding behaviors, it is not doing much to lift any depression or get me out of crisis.
So this is what I’ve decided to do.
Here are some links if you are interested in knowing more.
Enso Botanicals This site is a good place to start for an overview. Lots of information.
I Love Kratom There’s a blog here and a forum. There is also a list of vendors. It’s a good idea to check out reddit first for reviews on vendors before ordering though. There are some shady people out there who will take your money and not send you the product. So always be careful.
The kratom section of reddit You’ll find a list of topics here from actual people who have written out their experiences with the plant and with vendors. They have asked questions and given reviews. There is a search bar to the right if you have a specific thing you want to know. I will also tell you that just like everything else, this is not something for everyone and so you will find negative things here as well as positive things.
You also don’t have to open an account on reddit to read it or search for info there.
I want to be clear that I am not recommending this to anyone. All I am doing is keeping a record for myself and stating my own experience on this blog and supplying links if you are curious about more information.
I don’t rave about it or swear by it because as I’ve described, I generally have to pay a piper on the other side, even when I derive benefits from some sort of supplement. It’s just the way it is.
But in weighing out my options, for me, this is what I’ve decided on.