Complex Post Traumatic Stress Break Down (Emotional Flashback) Personal Experience

If you don’t like or are offended by foul language…Don’t read.

I am no longer OK. I am in what would be considered crisis I guess.

This morning I started with tweeting and tagging the police department in my town. I was promised a phone call from an officer weeks ago but then our fucking football team won the Superbowl and they had no time for anything else.  Even enforcing noise ordinances. I have uploaded videos of the pile of trash next door who has no consideration for anyone. You know, the one who blares his music at night and has his speaker set so that the bass sounds like he’s hammering a blunt object on particle board on top of a hollow space then amplifying the sound? That guy.

I also emailed someone at the health department of the township when I found a form on line to do just that with the exact option to report a noise violation. The response was for me to do all the shit I’m already doing.

So after dealing with all that bullshit waste of time…

I ventured out today for the first time ALONE since I got screwed and scapegoated. And when I got home I was so wound up I threw shit, shut my door to get away from my crying cat who won’t stop using the fucking litter box.

I need to keep the door closed right now and stay away from him because I can’t stand the sound. I can’t stand the neediness. I can’t stand his presence when I can’t even get someone to tend to MY needs right now.

I left the house this afternoon to go to the library. On the way, I had a tailgater. Not too bad but still on my nerves.  I made a right, they went straight and I was relieved to be rid of that ass.

On the road I took a right onto, I was going at a decent speed…I’m by no means a granny driver…and then I noticed another more aggressive tailgater.  So I slowed down. I was doing at least 40 before slowing (not on a highway) and he was on my bumper…which is why I slowed down.

Then he fucking honked at me, a long horn blow, because I was apparently going too slow for him now.

Never mind the fact that he brought this on himself, fucking piece of shit.

Too fucking bad asshole. I flipped him the bird.  The light ahead was still green and just as I got to it, it turned yellow. Just a preview of the way the rest of the afternoon would go.

Normally I would’ve stopped but I wanted to get rid of this pile of trash that decided to attach to me but he followed me through…making it so he sped through a red a light. ON MY BUMPER THE ENTIRE FUCKING TIME!

I pulled over, he passed, could barely look at me…COWARD…and I gave him the finger again.

Then he got behind someone else driving of course, because that’s the nature of traffic…duh…  The person behind the wheel of that vehicle was driving at a civilized speed too but I saw see NO aggression toward that car. The asshole followed a little closer than I would follow someone, but he was not tailgating.

So WTF?!?!? Do I have signs all around me that say, bend me over, fuck me up the ass? Take advantage of me, treat me like a pile of trash and a doormat. Scapegoat me and oh, don’t forget to pull the double standard bullshit either. Make the abuse complete.

The car…which was a van…in front of him, took a left at the light at the corner and this asshole stopped at a green light before turning right. I was able to see all this because his aggression got him no further any faster than if he’d stayed behind me. In fact, I had to brake because of HIS hesitation at the green light.

I was ranting to myself this whole time and after he was long gone. I had to sit in my car before going into the library because I thought I’d break down and start weeping.

The library was like an oasis in a shit storm though, so there was at least that. Had to go to the post office too and that wasn’t too bad, except for some strong perfume smell inside the PO that made me want to hurl.

After that, I stopped to get a cheeseburger and spent too much money…but I was hungry and the meat there is grass fed, so fuck it. Standing in the burger joint though, some idiot dropped a metal pan that went crashing to the floor in a store that has shitty acoustics and the sound is double what it really is. I stood there pretending it didn’t bother me. Inside I was screaming.

Leaving, a car sped past me. This is a small road inside of a tight parking lot and this guy was driving as if he was on an open road.

I ate in the car.  On the way back home, I stopped at a supermarket to get a bottle of kombucha and ended up walking the full perimeter of the store before I finally found it. And when I did they didn’t have the kind I wanted. I went to the aisle nearby and looked at the humongous variety of beer. A little spot of heaven for a craft beer lover. In this state, beer being sold in grocery stores is still a bit of a novelty.

Almost bought a six pack but went to the rest room, asked myself why I want a six pack.  Was able to decide against it…there. And left without beer or kombucha.

Coming out of the  grocery store, a huge U-Haul truck went over a speed bump and made a gigantic sound. It made me jump and my head hurt so bad. My nervous system was already fucked. After that, it was worse.

I drove home, put up with another driver who felt the need to, not so much tail gate, but I swear the people around here, love to drive close to my bumper for some reason.

Just about home, I decided to veer off to the pizza place down the road with the intention of getting a six pack. I sat in the parking lot for a little while going back and forth in my mind about it but eventually decided to go in.

Pulled up in the back of the apartment, just about to get out of the car and a huge work truck drove by, INCHES AWAY FROM MY DRIVER SIDE DOOR!!!!

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What the hell is it with me? What is it about me that people have to tail gate, almost side swipe my car, aggressively drive behind me??????  I don’t understand.. I look over at the other lane, the drivers are not driving any faster than me but no one is tailgating. All traffic is at least a car length behind the other.I know I sound like a narcissist but WHY ME???

I hold it together long enough to get my laundry swapped out and upstairs with everything…books, beer, handbag.

I thought I was OK. But then the cat…crying…wanting his litter scooped after taking a piss. Every god damn time, he pisses and after he cries, because the box needs cleaning right NOW.

I ignored him but I was getting more agitated and stressed by not only his crying but his demands, his presence. I put the beer in the fridge, took one to drink now. Tore the drawer up getting the bottle opener and threw the bag aside.

Well, as much as one can throw a bag. My impulse control on overdrive, every inanimate object got tossed, thrown or slid aggressively aside.

I was very mindful not to hurt the cat. But his crying was agitating.

In my room, I discovered I left my phone in my car. FUCK! Again, always leaving that damn thing in the car. Wanted to use it. I’m not going back downstairs now. I’d just made a bunch of noise and worried about running into the landlady after such a tantrum.

In addition to the above, I’d thrown my mouse pad across the room, hit a bunch of glass bottles of essential oil. I tossed my handbag into the closet door. Could still hear the cat. Screamed, “SHUT UP!!!!” “LEAVE ME ALONE!”

Plugged the fan in to drown him out and sat down to sign in here. Needed a code, no phone. UGH!!! Relieved to have back ups.

I knew that I was in bad shape before I got home and I started to think about these fucking quack ass therapists who put me in this position. Yeah, fuck it. I’m gonna blame them right now because it IS  a little bit their fault.

Even if I wanted to, I could not get in to see another therapist right now because you have to miss four DBT sessions in a row before they let you go. On public assistance you can’t be in therapy with more than one therapist and I am not in a position to pay out of pocket.

They could be taking different steps for me since I refused to get back into their abusive line, but I don’t know that and I won’t be contacting either one of them to find out.

And therapy continues to leave me worse for wear so I have quite the adversity to it. (Please do not write in the comments to keep trying. It’s all part of the process. Not what I need to hear right now.)

How dare they do this to someone with trauma. My therapist even told me that I was in crisis at this time…meaning easily triggered I guess…and still she has behaved this way. The little co-dependent sorry excuse for a therapist.  How dare she even be a therapist.

It is on the tip of my mind to use the word abandonment. Technically I have not been abandoned, but my nervous system sees it that way and that’s pretty involuntary.


What a horrid day. I think I’ll just get drunk. If the beer doesn’t cut it there’s harder shit in the garage.

Oh and I need to make amends with my cat. Now that I’m calmer, I can scoop his box, maybe fold the towels too.

Fuck this life. I need to get out of this area. I hate this county.



A Comment Made About Any Cult Could Be Said About Abusive Families

I just watched the interview on 20/20 of Leah Remini about her experience with Scientology and her experience with leaving it.

I’d watched it before but watched it again because I first thought it might be a new interview. But when I discovered it wasn’t, I decided to just keep watching because I love that she left a cult and is being loud about their shenanigans.

She also reminds me of a friend of mine who was abused as a child and at a young age, got herself out by putting herself into the system and becoming a foster child.

This friend has always struck me as strong and determined, just as Leah does.

Their personalities are similar too. That tough, speak their mind and take no shit kind of person.

When the video was over, I read through some of the comments and saw one, which I quote below that made me want to comment back, “So you know my family?”

But I didn’t. I decided to just post it here. I don’t feel right using the person’s name, but the name of the video is, “Leah Remini EXPOSES Scientology.”

The video itself isn’t relevant to my blog really so I’m not going to post it. But the quote below is, especially if you change a few words.

“Pyramid Schemes like Scientology are designed to be addictive, because they have you invest emotionally, socially and financially, besides shaming and blaming you into traumatic acts of submission. Takes enormous courage and self determination to break free…”

Replace it with…

[Abusive families] are designed to be addictive, because they have you invest emotionally, socially and financially, besides shaming and blaming you into traumatic acts of submission. Takes enormous courage and self determination to break free…”

and it’s exactly what it was to be a part of my family for me.