It’s Actually Self-Sabotage and Restlessness

Although there was more to the post I wrote more than a week ago, called “Sabotaged Again,” I took it down anyway. In the post I said that I know that if I take care of my body and eat better, most of my PTSD will heal. And since I am not really sure about that anymore, I can’t stand behind the statement.

I also want to apologize to anyone who read it and felt minimized by that statement.

That being said though, I still think that taking care of the body, does improve the mind. I have experienced diminishing of symptoms like hyper-vigilance after taking care to eat in a healthy way. So I do still think that self-care does play a part.

But there is a lot more to it. I know that the brain changes in the case of trauma, or develops differently, when the trauma comes from childhood, than it would have if the child had been nurtured and cared for in a loving manner.

I have a tendency to start feeling better and then I get restless. I think this is what causes me to revert back to old habits. I also think it’s a combination of wanting to socialize too. I am lonely living with B. He doesn’t talk much and quite frankly, I am bored with him as well as feel quite a bit of resentment toward him.

So I prefer to seek out other company. In addition that company is at a disc golf course and close to nature. So two needs of mine are met with this: Actually three: being in nature, being around people/socializing and some movement.

I love disc golf. There was a point in time when I played often, but the local course is rife with opportunity to drink and smoke.  And although I have the discipline to stay away from it when I’m home, when I get out among people who ‘indulge’ I do the same.  And of course that sets me back.

In my situation it’s easy to have this happen, and in particular at my age. As much as I want to socialize with people who have healthier values, it can be difficult to meet them. It’s easy to go back to the familiar. If I want to get involved with different types of people, it takes money.

I’ve also noticed, that no matter what type of group I’m find myself around, eventually I feel uncomfortable and don’t fit in.

A couple weeks ago, B and I had a talk and agreed to make some changes. I can say that he has been following through for the most part. There is one thing I asked of him that I know he’d been following through with but I’m not sure if he still is. I’d have to ask to find out.

For me, I was following through on everything but one.

My not having an income is a problem. He wants me to earn some money. I don’t blame him and I agree with that desire myself.  The plan was for me to work on eBay. We have plenty here to sell and I’m quite familiar with the platform. But I have not been able to get myself to do much of anything on it.

I feel ashamed but I also feel like maybe I need to find something else to do. I just have no desire to deal with eBay. I feel so restless sitting at this computer anymore.

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