Warning: There is lots of foul language in this post. I am particularly fond of the F word and I use it a whole lot when I am angry. This is a letter to B and it comes off as narcissistic in some ways. Right now I do not care. I have come to the conclusion when relationships are shit and unhealthy it is difficult to not do things that are abusive. Even some things that are understandable responses can come across as abusive when coming in at that particular scene, not knowing history or even the events in the moments leading up to such a reaction.
I’m not justifying any sort of abusive behaviors. But I am trying to understand my reactions at times as I tend to go into fight mode when it comes to my relationship with B. Not physical fighting, but I do yell and berate and there’s a lot of wtf moments for me.
There is rage that builds up even after I release the initial rage and agitation. Likely because of the heaps and mounds of stress and bullshit already on my plate, in my life, on my mind, in my body.
But here I am, I can feel the rage rising. I could feel it as I drove away from you after dropping you off for a medical procedure I’m sure you were nervous about. And I know my hesitation, shame and guilt about my anger is coming from the depths of my psyche. It was entrained into my brain that any sort of emotion other than being happy to serve is bad. It’s selfish, self centered and how dare I care about myself.
So now I’m entangled with a man who doesn’t take me much into consideration when it comes to certain things. It’s ironic that your major in college was communications, you even graduated, but your communication skills have always been shit since I’ve known you.
And although your issues are just that…YOURS! They effect me too.
For instance, twice now you had appointments with doctors recently and both times you went to the wrong fucking place. I don’t completely blame you for this, as I understand the possibility that the communication from the person who told you where to go, may not have been clear. You were driving yourself at the time and even though it’s a bit irritating that you wasted time like that as well as gas, I wasn’t there, so I was able to do my own life without being all that impacted.
However, today, you needed a ride…which I had no and never would have a problem with. If I am available and capable of helping, (also something you hate communicating and asking for, but that’s beside this point) I am happy to help you. Despite my frustrations, I am writing out in this letter, I am certainly grateful for all you have done for me.
We left for your appointment today in plenty of time and I dropped you off, not able to wait as I had/have things to do today. However as I drove away to get on with my afternoon, before needing to pick you up later, you called to tell me you were in the wrong place…again.
“Okay” I say and drive back to pick you up. Expecting the worst from me of course, since that is our history together, you want to get in the car asap and so you start walking toward the car, while it’s still moving. I relate this to stress and fear and immediately feel like the bad guy. I know you were not thinking straight. I feel like a horrible person.
This relationship has gotten so sick that I know I need to leave. I feel like all I do is hurt you. I blame myself some days and other days I see the dysfunctional dynamic so clearly. I try to tell myself that it’s only my actions and behaviors I can control and then in the stressful situation or what feels like a repeat of the same old shit and I react the same old way.
I’m a trapped animal lashing out.
I really wasn’t all that pissed off about this mistake at first. I blamed the miscommunication on the doctor’s office. But then you didn’t know where you did have to go and so I pulled over in a busy McDonald’s parking lot, so you could look up directions. So you could call the office.
Knowing I was pissed, you were stressed. Could not think straight. I was getting more and more agitated. Where the fuck are we going? Why is this being figured out now when you were supposed to be at the appointment ten fucking minutes ago?
I didn’t say all that while we were sitting in the car. But I was certainly saying something. Being berating. Being agitated. Sick of the situation and how we seem to get stuck in this kind of bullshit time and time again.
And you know why??? (Well besides the fact that I should’ve taken my own life by the reins years ago and left this sick, dysfunctional hell.)
All it would’ve taken to avoid driving to the wrong place, wasting time, not knowing where the fuck the destination was, was to CALL THE OFFICE AND FIND OUT FOR SURE! Especially since you’d already been to the wrong place twice before.
So now I’m anxious, overwhelmed and so pissed off that I can’t think straight. I have a life to pull together and every time I make a plan, even write it the fuck out on paper, something happens to sabotage it in one way or another. For fucks sake, give me some space to get a fucking foot hold!
Or no, maybe you like it this way? Maybe you just want to keep me down and miserable because that’s where you are? I know you would say no, that’s not how it is. Consciously speaking, you probably want the best for me. You told me once before that if I were to go, you’d be alright. But subconsciously, Idk, it seems like maybe you are sabotaging at every turn. But I could say the same. I suppose I should’ve known that you might end up in the wrong place again, since I knew about the other two times. And I should’ve said, “Dude, call that office and make sure we go to the right place the first time. I don’t want to drive in the shitty traffic around here more than necessary. Make that phone call and save us any possible aggravation and stress.”
But I didn’t.
I mean, if for no other reason to call, (because God forbid, you reach out and ask for clarification/help), you could’ve at least done it for me.
I want to be taken care of in such a way that you think to yourself, “Hey you know, I’ve made the mistake of turning up in the wrong place twice. Lemme call this doc office and double check on the location (even though I’m fairly certain as to where I’m going) so as not to cause a lot of stress for Tiger, who is being so kind as to give me a ride to this appointment. I know how much she hates Delco traffic and I know how stressed she gets when she has to drive longer than necessary or when I’m not sure where to go. And hey, in doing that, I limit my stress as well.”
I’m realizing today that I was taught, both insidiously and directly at times, that stating my anger and frustration after the fact, about my own stress and agitation and anger, is wrong. Especially when in such a situation where you have some medical issues to tend to. Basically I was taught that it’s not okay to be angry in such a circumstance. I should have compassion…all compassion…no other emotion is okay.
As I said to you in the car, the communication issues are not just one problem, that issue creates a whole shit ton of them as a result of not simply opening your mouth and asking a quick and simple question or in other cases, opening your mouth and making a quick and simple statement.
If you’d just do that, it would save so much aggravation for you, for me and for both of us as a (couple?)
Sometimes I feel like I can’t get away from you fast enough.
So now that you’ve sucked my attention away from what I really need to be doing, I’ll sign off.