How Does It Even Seem Normal?

I’m getting wrapped up in thinking about the invitation from my sister.

I wrote about that in my last post.

I don’t understand.

Or maybe I do. Or don’t.

It’s confusing af.

I wonder, how would it be if I did actually show up.  What would she do? How would she and everyone else treat me?

Would it all just be ignored that I haven’t been around for the last four Christmases?  What is going through her mind to feel comfortable…or the necessity maybe, to send me an invitation to the family Christmas get together.

My brother mentioned in an email he sent me a couple summers ago, that he wasn’t speaking to my sister any longer either. I wonder if that’s still the case and if so, if she sends him an invitation as well.

Could it be that it’s a trap to ensnare me? A deliberate or an unintentional one? Not that it matters if it is a trap either way.  The trap will have the same results for me.

I can see it now. My sister would be fake as fuck and act like she welcomes me. She would say nothing to me that day, pretend that she is happy to see me.

Maybe.  I have a difficult time picturing her not feeling and showing some awkwardness, given the reasons I’ve stayed away for so long.

Seeing the patterns now, I know I will not be there.

But if this were to happen, she likely would put on the act and then later, if and when the opportunity presented itself, she’d pounce with some ridiculous question: “It’s great that you came out this year. But why haven’t you showed up in prior years?”

Of course without my presence of mind and being well aware of her tricks, I might fall for it and call her after Christmas, to talk, to make plans. And that would be her opportunity.

Without the understanding I now have, I would be utterly speechless, frozen. She would berate and guilt and shame me.

But I won’t give her that now…or ever.

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4 thoughts on “How Does It Even Seem Normal?

  1. My guess is that she knows you won’t come. She sends the invitation because it makes her feel better about herself. She could not tolerate the idea of being someone who didn’t invite a family member to a holiday gathering. She needs to be seen as the one taking the higher ground. That’s one of the ways she identifies herself. Just an idea.

    Liked by 1 person

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