Well, This Isn’t Working Well At All

I am a sensitive soul. I’m not only sensitive emotionally but I am also sensitive physically.

I remember when I first started smoking pot at a very young age. One night I went with a group of friends to the popular roller skating rink in the area. Before going in, we went to the back of the building, where there was a small woodsy area, to smoke a joint. One of my friends’ brother had given her a fatty, for us to share that night.

After we’d indulged, standing in our tight little circle, my head swam and I thought that everyone else had the same thing going on inside their head too.

The next day, the one friend that I hung out with on a daily basis told me things I’d done that I had not remembered doing. One of them included being rather mean to a boy who’d asked me to skate during couple skate.

I was still quite high by the time my mother picked us up that night and when I asked everyone else if they were too, before she got there, they all told me that they’d come down a while ago.

That’s just one example, and because of my sensitivity I didn’t smoke pot a whole lot as a teen, like so many other kids I knew.  I took a bus with kids in high school that would smoke a bowl or a joint at the back of the bus and then go through their classes for the day. I already knew at that point in my life, that if I’d done that, I’d be asleep before homeroom and wouldn’t remember a thing the teacher said in my first class.

Fast forward to present day and more than a month ago, I wrote about going back to kratom.  Well, as I’d expected, I have met the piper that I usually have to pay on the other side of trying to medicate the effects of my trauma.

It is a subtle feeling within, after taking it for this short amount of time, but it’s an explosive effect on the outside.

Seems that it has upped the rage in instances where I am triggered anyway. But the reactions to the trigger are much more intense.

I thought that I was just randomly getting worse. Thinking DBT isn’t working and had a strong urge to quit yesterday. But then I remembered…kratom. Not that I forgot that I was taking it. But that it could have such an effect on me had gotten past me again.

In the first week or two, it was great. Something that would normally piss me off, I could let it roll off my back…just like I used to. Not anything abusive, just some things that are a bit irritating or annoying that most people can simply let go and move on with their day.

For a while that was me again. But now, I guess it’s the accumulation in that part of the brain that is causing the opposite effect, and not only am I back to what was going on before, but it’s making my raging reactions worse.

So off of kratom I go, at least on an everyday basis. I could probably get away with it after it clears out and only then as a once in a while thing, like say on a really heavy depression day.  But as a daily thing, it does more harm than good for me.

That being said, this is not an anti-kratom post. Everyone is different and not everything is for everyone. So please don’t take this as me demonizing kratom.   I know and understand that it has helped many and continues to do so. There are positive things about it.  But there are indications to it and I think that’s important to understand and know.

As someone with Complex PTSD, it does have some indications that it COULD be a problem for me and I’m finding that to be true.

I found this link a couple days ago. My query was if a side effect of kratom could be anger.

There are more unpleasant side effects listed that some people could experience.


28 thoughts on “Well, This Isn’t Working Well At All

  1. I use Kratom daily, but I do find myself concerned about how little we know about the long term side effects. I also am concerned about what kind of pesticides, etc. that I am being exposed to. There could be multiple contaminants that we are unaware of. The dialogue on Kratom right now is polarized to good and bad. Kratom users say its all good, government says its all bad. The real answer is that we don’t know.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I completely agree with this.

    I have used it to lift my depression and it works to a point… as long as I’m not taking it daily.

    But I also have sciatica, which isn’t as bad as it used to be and I can truthfully work it out in the morning, if I do the PT exercises given to me. But kratom does have the pain killing effect too and that has been making things easy on that front as well.

    However, that is also a bit of a Catch 22… or caught in a cycle kind of thing I’ve just noticed.

    When I rage, my body tightens up and makes the sciatica really bad the next day. I really think I’m raging more because of the kratom (just a self-observation and personal experience). So if I don’t rage the pain isn’t as bad. If the pain is there from sleeping all f’d up, then I can work it out with exercises. Also, coffee also helps a bit, but I have thoughts of coming off that too. One thing at a time though. haha.

    You raise a great point about pesticides and other contaminants. Even if it’s advertised on the site as organic, we still have no way of knowing.

    Thanks for the comment…and thanks for the voice of reason as well. I do see people getting defensive about it if you speak of a less than ideal experience. Like most things, it’s got its pros and cons.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Yep I agree with your observations as well. I’d like to try to stop using Kratom in the future because of my concerns. I was so happy to stop using opioids but there are issues with Kratom as well. Especially the constipation. And it’s not cheap!


  4. I was getting the opposite of constipation there for a bit. Then I put it in with my coffee…right into the filter so I didn’t take the actual powder and took care of the…looseness, let’s say. lol.

    But I still got a stomach ache. This didn’t happen before and I am using a different vendor, so it could just be my body reacting differently, which would not be uncommon for me to react differently to the same thing. Or it could be something else. So there’s another reason for me to stop.

    I went to group therapy tonight and found myself wanting to fall asleep so bad. It might be a little w/d. I only thought about kratom for a minute and felt a tiny tinge of missing it. But it went away after a while. I keep thinking about the rage thing. That’s too much of a problem.

    I’ve seen the pricing vary too. I wonder if it’s a case of ‘you get what you pay for”? The last vendor I used wasn’t too bad price-wise.

    Do you think it would be easier to wean off kratom now, after utilizing it to get off of opioids? I understand w/d can be difficult…like RLS if someone has been taking large doses for a long time.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I do think that there is withdrawal associated with kratom in spite of the advocates declaring otherwise. Right now my pain has decreased because I’m taking Prednisone, but that is temporary. It makes me nervous to think about stopping Kratom. I feel like I have to have something to deal with symptoms. I found stopping opioids was easy because I had Kratom. But stopping Kratom without anything is another story. I was reading something recently about our bodies ability to produce its own opioids (endogenous) and that people have varying degrees of being able to produce their own opioids. For someone like me, who has experienced depression for most of my life, its possible that my ability to produce my own opioids is low. Then adding outside opioids to the mix (Kratom, Hydrocodone) could further limit a persons ability to produce their own opioids and it could take a very long time to reset the balance ( like for instance, years). Or maybe the possibility of returning to baseline is not possible. This is definitely a concern for me.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Dont you think as concerns that kind of tightening pain you experience when triggered doing mindfulness based attention scanning and breathing would help you more as you are moving into the parasympathetic nervous system. I just got Ruby Wax’s book Frazzled out of the library and she speaks about this. Just a thought. When we are this chemically sensitive its difficult to take most things I most certainly cannot and have had to resist doctors trying to put me on all kinds of things. Just my opinion/experience.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. That’s totally understandable. So you take kratom for pain? Or do you take it for depression also?

    I can’t even imagine being in chronic physical pain and having nothing to make it subside. That has its own issues as well.

    When the sciatica was at its worst for me, I had not even heard of kratom. If I did I would’ve chosen that over the ibuprofen I was taking every day. I didn’t take it one morning because I wanted to gage where my pain was at.

    By the time I got out of the shower that morning, I was in so much pain I was in tears from it.

    What you wrote about the bodies creating their own opioids though, I find that fascinating. I need to look more into that now.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I’m in DBT and mindfulness is the foundation of that. I have struggled with mindfulness when it comes to my anger.

    So I am open to finding another way to practicing the mindfulness that been eluding me.

    When you say “doing mindfulness based attn scanning and breathing would hep you more…” what are you referring to when you say “more”?

    Thank you for the book mention. I look it up.

    And yeah, I don’t take prescriptions too often either. I have go for what is called “med checks” at the facility where I take DBT.

    They ask me each time about taking meds and I am adamant every time. “Absolutely not!”

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I take Kratom for pain, depression and fatigue. I find the stuff about our bodies producing opioids interesting too. If only there was something that improved the bodies ability to do so without harming it.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I am ultra sensitive to medications, etc, too. I tried pot twice in my life and both times the experience for me was horrible. There are many prescription drugs I cannot take due to severe adverse and/or allergic reactions. I have even gone into anaphylactic shock twice due to Rx drugs. My husband is also sensitive to many Rx drugs. Valium puts him into an instant rage, and he can’t take opioids at all.

    I read somewhere that people with green eyes tend to have a lot of drug allergies and serious adverse reactions. Both my husband and I have green eyes. His daughter also has green eyes and her drug allergies are even worse than ours. I’m wondering if you have green eyes, as well?

    A few years ago I did an ultra slow taper off my prescription antidepressant and anti-anxiety meds, which I had been on for years. The meds weren’t helping me anymore, and the side effects had become intolerable. Today, the only prescription drug I take is levothyroxine for my Hashimoto’s hypothyroidism. I also take some over the counter health supplements, such as grape seed extract antioxidant, mercury free fish oil, some vitamins, selenium, and probiotics. I occasionally take some homeopathic meds too, for allergies, extreme stress, or pain.

    Figuring out which health supplements to take has been tricky, as I have had adverse reactions to several of the supplements I have tried. For example, I recently started on an olive leaf extract because it is supposed to be good for rosacea, which I get from time to time. It quickly cleared up the rosacea, but it made me crabby as hell. Nowhere online have I found anything about anyone having that reaction to olive leaf extract, but I know that was the cause, because I stopped it for a few days, my mood went back to normal, and then I tried it again and within a day or two, I was hateful and very close to raging. So, no more olive leaf for me.

    When I weaned myself off the antidepressant, I also did a search on natural ways to treat depression. I had already tried Sam-e, 5-htp and some other health supplements that are supposed to help with depression, but they all caused side effects that I could not handle.

    Then I read that eating raw unsalted walnuts helps with depression. Really? I tried it, and OMG…. wow. WOW! As long as I eat at least 1/4 cup of raw walnuts per day, I simply don’t have depression or anxiety anymore! Raw walnut pieces have been my antidepressant for about the past 3 years. Most days, I eat about 1/4 cup in the morning and 1/4 in the evening.

    Physical exercise helps my mood a lot, too. But I tend to get lazy with that during the winter.

    I also went completely off caffeine about 3 years ago. Blessed peace!! Now, if I could just kick the sugar…

    Liked by 2 people

  11. I did a genetic test to show how I metabolized meds and it was right on for things I had tried and either had a bad reaction to or didn’t tolerate bc it made me manic. Kratom and cannibas oil weren’t on it but I had an awful reaction to cannibas oil made me rageful and manic.
    I don’t tolerate anything for pain but I am tolerating the seizure meds which are supposed to also be used in bipolar to stabilize mood but I still have anger outbursts that I never had before I had the seizures a few months ago. It’s as if the seizures made the ptsd a thousand times worse and I have no idea why. My brain is not right though and no one seems to know how to make it better.
    I went to the eye doc yesterday.head of the entire dept. he said my eye and my symptoms of light sensitivity and overstimulation and seeing light flashes all sound like the war veterans he sees with head injuries and he wonders did the 5 seizures have a head injury type affect? He wants me to see a neuro opthamologist for a 4 hour appointment with more tests. I’ve been tested on for this muscle and bone disease for 11 years and we have spent 100,000 of our own money for what insurance didn’t cover leaving debt and frustration with me worse now than before with no answers and the idea of seeing yet another doctor I don’t know but this will be the first to really address the seizures that seem to have made the ptsd worse and my eye only sees 20/200 now and that pupil is still not right…..soooooo after that long ass ramble…..I don’t know where to go from here on anything!


  12. I don’t have green eyes but my mother does. I have light color eyes that would be a color closer to blue. That’s interesting though.

    I keep wanting to try walnuts but nuts are so expensive. And sort of cost prohibitive for me at this point, even in bulk.

    I guess they are well worth it though if they work as well as they do for you.

    I get lazy with exercise too. Right now I’m noticing more tiredness than usual and I think it’s the kratom still in my system…but hopefully working itself out of there.

    I have had some results with a high fat diet but I usually give in, eat rice and then never get back on track.

    I feel like such a mess right now.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. That would be good to see the results on a genetic test to know exactly what’s ok and what’s not.

    I can take things for a while and then it reaches a point where I start to have adverse reactions. Even magnesium I need to be careful with because I can wake up super groggy from it after taking it for a period of time. I’m beginning to think no supplements is the way to go for me. Idk.

    I’m boycotting tests at the moment, mostly because of money though…or more accurately, the lack of it.

    I’ve had testing done but the tests I can afford don’t really go far enough into all the info I could really use. And then I get lazy about improving my habits…well, it’s not really laziness though. It’s more like depression and not giving any fucks about myself.

    I can totally understand the weariness you must be feeling about it all too. I don’t know what I’d do in your shoes. It’s like one thing after another and how the fuck can you keep up? I’d be completely overwhelmed.

    I think I’d be on the fence…wanting to just throw in the towel and stop searching but then feeling like maybe if I keep looking and seeing doctors, one will finally figure it all out.

    That’s a lot of money to spend to still have no answers while at the same time to give up. It’s like a freaking Catch-22.

    Praying for an answer or answers.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. The thing I read said that green eyes, being the rarest eye color, are a genetic anomaly, and the thought was that maybe this anomaly also caused a high sensitivity to chemicals and drugs. If this is so, I wonder if the offspring of someone with that anomaly might inherit just the sensitivity part of it, but not the eye color? As I say, though, it is just speculation and anecdotal evidence, I am not aware of any scientific studies ever being done on the supposed connection between green eyes and a higher rate of severe adverse reactions to drugs.

    Yes, walnuts can be crazy experience, depending on where and how you buy them. I mainly look for the big bags of chopped walnut pieces, in the baking section of stores, like Walmart. That’s where I get the Fisher Chefs Naturals Walnut Halves and Pieces, in a 32 oz bag, for around $9.98. I eat about 1 oz twice a day, so 2 bags last me a little over a month, for a little under $20 per month. Which can still be a lot on a tight budget, but it is still less than what I used to pay every month for the antidepressant and anti anxiety meds.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. If the sensitivity thing is true, it’s an interesting question about offspring inheriting the sensitivity.

    AND to add some more interesting speculation to it, perhaps it would only be passed down to the offspring who have lighter eyes.

    My siblings both have brown eyes. Mine are blue/hazel. Ya never know and doing scientific research on that would be impossible I’d think.

    What you’re paying for the walnuts isn’t bad. I will look into that option. Not a fan of the Walmart in our area though so I’ll look around. The last time I went to that Walmart, I got really creepy vibes. It did not feel like a safe place at all.

    I’m going to look into some websites and maybe go the mail order route.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I forgot…more on walnuts. I used to get them in the shell at the local Acme. Their store brand was the best. And I’d sit and crack them open while watching a movie or something.

    At the time I had a little dog who was terrified of the sound and it got to the point that when she saw me carry them into the room with the nut cracker, she’d slowly get up, hop off the couch and run out of the room.

    I’d forgotten about that until reading your last comment.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Ok so I’ve found some pretty cool options on Nuts.com (not an affiliate link)

    Just wanted to share another option. I’m sure there are other sites, but this is a pretty popular site. I think I ordered some things from them before. I just can’t remember what at the moment.

    They have both black walnuts an English walnuts and ones that are in the shell and ones that are already shelled.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. I’ve had another thought on the sensitivity issue: (not that I don’t think the green eye concept to be interesting…I do, but here’s what just went through my mind).

    Maybe we’re just simply human. Speaking from the standpoint of ancestral humans, they were not taking in medications or anything for that matter from a laboratory. They didn’t even know what that was.

    They ate directly from nature, whether you believe that ancestral people were Adam and Eve, came from evolution or something else…humans were not eating anything processed from a plastic package either. If they were eating something processed at all, like say crushed or liquified in some way, they did that themselves. It was not done in a factory in some far off land. They didn’t truck in their food, which, now, even if it is grown without pesticides and other chemicals (rare) it will be sprayed with something and irradiated in order to cross a border, whether it’s a state border or a country border.

    It had to be local. There was no other way. So this ties into the possible issue too with sensitivity to even herbs. One thing, when they were used, they would have been used fresh, not crushed into a powder by a machine. The herbs used would’ve been local. Kratom is not local to the US or even Europe so my body (my DNA) may not even recognize it as something to really utilize correctly. And in the amount taken, even though I take much less than most people I know of do, was probably still too much in concentrated form.

    Ancestral people weren’t breathing in toxins or drinking them either. All this has accumulated throughout decades and generations and centuries. It’s no wonder some of us really struggle with so called sensitivities.

    I see those of us who are sensitive to meds, supplements, processed food, stuff stored in plastic to simply be human, with human needs and care for our bodies.


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