I think I’ve gotten to the point that it is comfortable to just ignore the holidays…any holiday. Most of them were at one time spent with a family, a family I was born into. But I am feeling like I’m without family now and so since gathering with loved ones is the meaning of most holidays, the holidays have ceased to have much meaning anymore.
B and I were invited to his brother’s family’s celebration of Thanksgiving, as we’ve been every year now since I can remember. I can probably count them somewhat as family. This particular brother of B’s has a special place in my heart for reasons I won’t go into here. But I just wasn’t up for the crowd that I knew would be there.
When I turned down the invitation, which B relayed to me, I didn’t expect him to do the same. But he did and we spent the day as if it were any other day off for him. It was weird. It had a strange feel to it.
But as I sit here I realize I am grateful and have reasons to give thanks.
-I am grateful that I have a roof over my head…despite an inconsiderate neighbor. d
-I am grateful for a warm bed and food to eat.
-I am grateful for the support I do have from B, despite our difficulties and my complaints. He is the reason I’m not homeless.
-I am grateful that I am able to spend a quiet holiday alone if I so choose without anyone hounding me about how I should be somewhere I don’t want to be.
-I am grateful that I no longer need to ignore elephants in the room, just to keep the peace.
-I am grateful that I am no longer feeling the push to have superficial. meaningless relationships, with the people I was meant to be free to be vulnerable and authentic around.
So to be clear, I am not grateful that I no longer have a family, but I am grateful that I am free from the role of family scapegoat and doormat. I am grateful that I am not being told how selfish and sensitive I am. I do wish it could be different but if it’s between being ambushed and bullied or having peace, I choose peace. And I am grateful for some semblance of peace.
Happy (bittersweet) Thanksgiving.