Feeling the Gratitude…Mostly

This was taken on Thanksgiving day in 2006. It was an overcast and rainy day. I was looking down the road just out front of the house we used to live in.

I think I’ve gotten to the point that it is comfortable to just ignore the holidays…any holiday. Most of them were at one time spent with a family, a family I was born into. But I am feeling like I’m without family now and so since gathering with loved ones is the meaning of most holidays, the holidays have ceased to have much meaning anymore.

B and I were invited to his brother’s family’s celebration of Thanksgiving, as we’ve been every year now since I can remember. I can probably count them somewhat as family. This particular brother of B’s has a special place in my heart for reasons I won’t go into here. But I just wasn’t up for the crowd that I knew would be there.

When I turned down the invitation, which B relayed to me, I didn’t expect him to do the same. But he did and we spent the day as if it were any other day off for him. It was weird. It had a strange feel to it.

But as I sit here I realize I am grateful and have reasons to give thanks.

-I am grateful that I have a roof over my head…despite an inconsiderate neighbor. d
-I am grateful for a warm bed and food to eat.
-I am grateful for the support I do have from B, despite our difficulties and my complaints. He is the reason I’m not homeless.
-I am grateful that I am able to spend a quiet holiday alone if I so choose without anyone hounding me about how I should be somewhere I don’t want to be.
-I am grateful that I no longer need to ignore elephants in the room, just to keep the peace.
-I am grateful that I am no longer feeling the push to have superficial. meaningless relationships, with the people I was meant to be free to be vulnerable and authentic around.

So to be clear, I am not grateful that I no longer have a family, but I am grateful that I am free from the role of family scapegoat and doormat. I am grateful that I am not being told how selfish and sensitive I am.  I do wish it could be different but if it’s between being ambushed and bullied or having peace, I choose peace.  And I am grateful for some semblance of peace.

Happy (bittersweet) Thanksgiving.

This one was taken the same day as the one above, Thanksgiving 2006 (BC: before consciousness). It was such a dark day, which depicts what the holidays have felt like for me in the last few years.

 

Advertisements

Problems in Every Place I Have Lived Since Moving Out of My Parents’ House

First place: The landlady was the even more petty than my own father. I’ll give examples but nothing can really show it unless you lived through it.

-I had to move my bedroom and sleep in a different room than I’d originally been sleeping in because her dog would whine in the room next to it. I worked second shift and liked to sleep a little later. But the dog would wake me at 7 am.

She told me that one other car aside from mine could park in the driveway when visiting, as long as it didn’t block her in.  One day while my brother was visiting, I made sure he complied with the rule (and saw that he had) but the landlady called me numerous times while he was visiting to see when he was leaving.

The one and only Christmas that I was there, she barged past me at the doorway to hang some decoration out the front window. She’d knocked unexpectedly and it wasn’t a good time for me. She refused to take no for an answer. I’m being literal, she actually PUSHED me aside to get into the apartment.

When I finally could take no more of her torment, I told a friend of mine who said there was a place available where she lived. So I let my landlord know I wanted out early of the lease but wanted to see if I could get some of the security deposit back. I kept it civil. She wanted to check with her lawyer about what the laws were, which I said fine too, but then she added for me not to pack anything until she had spoken to him.

Um wut?

The second place: The place my friend told me about. It was fine at first. Quiet, even though run down as fuck. First the neighbors across the hall moved. They were replaced by a young guy who had a girlfriend. I could hear everything from my living room to theirs. Lucky enough they were actually pretty reasonable and we ended up getting along pretty well.

The guy upstairs had a girlfriend and I could set my watch to their sex. Thump thump thump, every night at 11 pm. I was no longer on second shift and had to be at work by 8:30 am. In addition I was going to school a couple nights a week.

Then much to my disappointment, the old man in the wheel chair who lived in the apartment directly in back of min, moved out. He was the best neighbor in the whole place. Never bothered anyone.

By now, the building had also been sold to a young guy who didn’t seem to care about his tenants at all. And in place of the nice old man, a drunk moved in. And I’m talking loud, inconsiderate, no one matters but him, drunk. As I mentioned I was in school at the time and he would blare his music into the wee hours. I knocked a couple times and asked him to turn it down. He’d just get louder. He used to bang on the walls and stomp his feet on the floor.  Next door to him was a young mom with a baby.

The cops were called, I also called the landlord one night around 1 am to complain, but it never stopped. Why is that the assholes seem to come out on top in most of these situations?

Third place: The hell started immediately. The place was a friends’ place, a couple I’d been friends with for years. They needed someone to occupy their house while they cared for his mother who had dementia.

The next door neighbor there had a big dog that they left out all night every night. From the first night I became sleep deprived. It was a battle with animal control and then the cops. One cop threatened to cite me for calling to complain so much.  I asked him how much would it be because I was unemployed at the time. I was sleep deprived from the dog barking every single night and I was not doing well.  I got him into a conversation that lasted long enough for him to finally hear what I was talking about.

Some stuff changed as far as how they kept the dog outside, but they still kept it outside. The problem finally resolved itself and boy, that shit is a story in itself, so perhaps I’ll share that another time.

It was when my car got broken into that made me leave though.

For a short time I lived with B in his apartment but we moved out within months to the house we lived in up until last year. This was the best place so far, but it was not without its issues. One guy in particular who lived in back of us, got a dog and then started letting it out in his fenced in back yard when he got tired of walking her.  He would also have her out there with him when he’d have parties. He had quite a few of them at that time. One day he was having a party, B and I took off for the entire day.  I didn’t want to be there to listen to the dog all day, so B and I went for a hike and then to dinner and ended up closing the restaurant’s bar.

When we got home, all was quiet.

The next day, B’s mom (who lived next door) told B that the cops showed up at the partying neigbor’s place. Someone had called the cops. I was so grateful. I had not been the one to do it and he knew it, because he saw us leave.  Score…for once. So that problem went away. He stopped leaving her in the yard alone and didn’t let her out with him when he had parties, which he stopped having after a while.

Then the woman moved in next door, after the house had stood empty for a while. The owner had wanted to sell it but wasn’t able to, so he finally decided to rent it. The woman who moved in, would pile her trash in the trash cans so high that the lid would no longer close. Our houses were less than 10 feet away from each other. We shared a walkway on the sides of our houses.

The first she’d moved in, she put her empty boxes out on the side of the house and it was super windy so they kept blowing over to our yard. And instead of doing something different to solve the problem, she just kept moving the empty boxes back, only to have them blow back over into our yard. It was lovely.

And now where we live, the complaint has been about the nasty landlady, the narcissistic landlady who deflects her issues back to us and doesn’t like to take responsibility even for leaving our basement light on.  But now, I’d settle for that, with the dawn of a new problem with a new neighbor in the building next door.

I have dubbed him speaker boy. He is obsessed with getting the sound perfect from what I can tell. And in working to get them just right, he spends a bunch of time out there blaring his music louder than anyone would really want to hear, if it’s not their own choice of music.

One night he was out there for an hour and a half, from about 6 to 7:30 pm. Another night was about a half hour from about 10:30 pm to 11 pm.

Today he pulled in around 4:30. He would turn it up and turn it down. Turn it up and turn it down. This went on for an excruciating hour. I had already been playing some music, because I’d been cleaning. But his music overpowered mine and mine was fairly loud.

This has been going on now, sporadically, for almost a month. I never know when he’ll be out there. So the anticipation and the wait contributes to the torture as well.

The only other time I’ve heard any indication that this bothers anyone else was one Sunday when someone shouted out their window in the building next door for him to turn it down, after he’d given it a volume blast.

I can’t fucking win.

Codependents Can Behave Like Narcissists: Analyzing some of my own behavior: Link at end to short but interesting article regarding this.

If you’ve read here much, then you know that I suspect myself to be borderline and narcissistic. And like anyone with a conscience, who knows the damage such people can do to others, this devastates me.

There is quite a bit of evidence to support this, going back to when I was a child even. But it is difficult to accept despite my constant battle throughout my adult life to get help for myself and change not only how I feel about myself, but also how I’ve treated so many people in my life.

My therapist brought up something in therapy last time though, that made me think about the reasons for some of my behaviors.

Please take note, I am in no way excusing my outbursts or any sort of berating and yelling I’ve done, making B feel like he can do no right. But I do want to get into a little bit of analysis here, because I might more likely be codependent, not a narcissist.  Is one better than the other? It’s all a result from complex trauma and a very painful way to live.

Last week in therapy, I got into the discussion about a diagnosis. I wanted to know if my therapist (I’ll call her D) diagnosed me. She’s not allowed to diagnose, so she hasn’t. But what’s on my paper work from intake is: PTSD and depression.

Although D is “not allowed” to diagnose, that does not cancel out the ability to discuss the topic with me, particularly if I bring it up.

D told me that PTSD doesn’t fit for me, and that if complex ptsd was in the DSM and had a code (for insurance purposes) then that would be much more accurate.

She apparently suspected a few things from the DSM though, and printed out the traits of those diagnoses and asked me if I see them in myself, checking them off (or not) as we went.

I “tested” positive for NPD and OCPD. BPD is already a given.

It was not really a surprise. After all, I’d been suspecting the NPD piece for so long. But I still have my doubts because of some other things that persistently troubles me.  And this is coming from an honest perspective, not one from a person who simply doesn’t want to be a narcissist.

Of course I don’t. But it’s more important to have the truth so I know what I’m working with. I can be avoidant in some aspects of life, but when it comes to looking at myself, I feel the need to know the flaw so I can improve them.

I’m not malicious. I don’t do things to ‘get back’ at people either if I feel slighted or rather disregarded. I don’t lie. I don’t feel entitled to berating B about whatever it is and I always feel shame and regret afterward. And I always apologize. There could be more that I’m not thinking of, but my point is about the intention underneath the behaviors.  I don’t have the strongest empathy in the world, but I do feel for people the pain they go through, especially when I know them or speak to them about it directly. And that includes fellow bloggers here. My heart breaks to see others in pain, and I have actually experienced sort of feeling the pain of an animal or five.

D brought something else up in therapy that has made me think more about this too.

I’ve been in an unhappy situation with someone who just isn’t right for me. The details of this are rather long. We’ve been together for over a decade so there’s a lot there. I admit to my flaws, but a dynamic does take two. However, as in most relationships I’ve had, I’m still trying to fit square pegs into round holes.  And I’ve been doing this for years.

I’ve become dependent on him at this point (no blame there, I let it happen) and so I feel trapped as hell. I know the answer is to get my proverbial shit together so I can move out and not have to live with anyone.  Or at least be independent enough so that I can move if I want.

A situation like this brings about a lot of frustration for me. And I feel helpless, scattered and overwhelmed. So I don’t know where to start. That comes within, I know. And I need to start somewhere, that is for sure.

So anyway, I found an article (link below) that compared narcissist to codependent.  It’s the end that made me think, “maybe that’s where I fit.”

Why Codependents Can Behave Like Narcissists.

Not that that lets me off the hook. I still intend to keep working through all of this.

Inspiration for Myself: Warning Memes Ahead

I’ve been thinking about me feeling like I waste so much time. I know that I am scattered (disorganized), overwhelmed and even confused, which causes me overwhelm and procrastination follows. But the fact remains that my time (the most precious commodity of us all) is getting wasted.

I have, quite frankly felt dead inside for years, likely going back to my young childhood, but I’ve been conscious of its intensity for the last five years. I have not had much will to go on, except the basic survival that I think is probably innate in most of us plus this non-dying belief that things CAN be better.

I’ve pretty much had it with sitting around losing what little self I feel like I have left. I waste my time in various ways, ways of which I won’t get into here.

So yesterday, as I thought about what I actually would like to do with my time: self-care (prep and eat healthy, meditate, exercise, get outside), I remembered how I was shut down when I ventured into the topic of this interest of mine, particularly to my sister. My mother judged me too, but my sister was particularly harsh.

I allowed her attitude toward me to shut me down. I internalized it to the point that I thought everyone would react the way she did/does so I shut myself down. If you saw me, you wouldn’t even think that I know anything about nutrition and health.

I transferred their lack of caring to myself…and man, does it show.

I want very much to change this. And so I needed some inspiration. Below, are some of the memes I found.
The first one particularly fits the feeling of being shut down and letting it to dictate my own behavior.

I would be willing to bet that this is behind many narcissists contempt for others who are close to them. Especially the ones who don’t play into their hand of bullshit.  This reminds me of something I wrote about a while back about denial and that deep down somewhere, even those in denial, know the real story, but don’t want to admit to it, even to themselves.  Perhaps my sister (and even my mother) are reminded of their own sensitivity (which they see as a weakness) when they see my sensitivity (which I see as a strength, btw). I have certainly let their hate slow me down.

I like the rock and paper image here. I never really understood how paper beats rock anyway. I am reminded of how much I wanted to resolve so many issues that were not resolved for me. I wanted to intimately (yet appropriately) discuss so many things with members of my family, that they just didn’t feel the necessity to do so. They were quite content to live with the elephants.

I’ve always had a fire inside but I feel like each time it began to reignite another bucket of water would be thrown on it to put it out, one way or another. It’s gotten to the point that I’ve developed learned helplessness. In addition I’m afraid that it will just happen again, so that contributes to my procrastination too.

To me the ‘fire’ is the purpose someone chooses to focus their life on. The ‘fire’ is the thing that a person can wrap their heart and soul around and dedicate their life to it.  So with each bucket of water that was thrown on my ‘fire’, that ‘thing’ that would’ve been that purpose for me, dissolved more and more each time.

The cool thing about purpose though is that it can change with evolution. And it can change because of events that happen to someone. The ‘thing’ can also be ‘things’ too.  I used to believe that each person’s purpose was pre-destined. But given that we have free will, I now believe that we can and have the ability to choose our purpose.  Even if we are drawn to certain things more than others. That’s part of what it’s about.

These next two I like just because they broach two issues we the narcissisticly abused deal with so much.

I want to address the last meme though, because I disagree with the idea of getting back to who you were before what happened. In my case, I didn’t have much chance to develop a true self. And identity is something I struggle with so much. But thinking about the adult situations that got me writing here – (the end of an affair/the affair itself and being the family scapegoat), I don’t want to and I don’t think it’s a good idea to go back to who I was before. I need to work toward something better.

Sitting with the Inner Rage

It looks as though DBT may very well be helping.

Tonight I came across something that caused me rage. I felt the urge to call him and lay right into him.

Why can’t he get it right? Why can’t he listen to me?

I found out in therapy the other day that I have traits of OCPD (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder). Yikes! I already knew about the NPD and BPD traits, but OCPD I never even considered.

It’s the perfectionism, the “there’s only one way to do it” way of thinking that fits that bill and I have that in a bad way.

It came up tonight. I raged to no one. It was a blessing that I was here all alone (except the cat) but I didn’t involve him. I just walked around him when he was yeowling* at me for food and litter scooping. I knew I couldn’t deal with him at that moment and just went into my bedroom.

The cat followed and was still yeowling*, but I ignored him. He walked out.

I had enough presence of mind though to cut my finger nails, something I had been wanting to do for a couple days. I was still feeling the anger, but it was a distraction.

However once I was finished, the rage came over me again and I felt the urge to throw the nail clipper at the door.  Almost.  But I controlled the urge and flipped it back onto the bed.

I did kick the plastic trash can a little bit though. It landed in its rightful spot but on its side.

After that, I just sat on my bed and told myself I needed to sit with this. Feel it. That’s it. Just feel it. I didn’t want to but I did it.

I started to cry…hard.

I cried about my situation. Not about what I’d found that triggered the anger, but in general, in my life, at my age.

I cried about the rage itself and felt more rage about the rage. I felt rage about being so easily enraged. That I had all this rage trapped inside of me because I wasn’t allowed to express anger.

I even cried about being alone with my rage.

This outburst of emotion though, the tears, were also a release of that anger that I was feeling. The real anger, the stuff from deep down inside and way back in the past, that had nothing to do with the trigger in the present.

When I stopped crying, I felt so much better. Usually I feel worse after a cry, more exhausted and even still angry.

Surprisingly, not this time. It was like the anger and rage flowed out with the tears. It’s a bit liberating.

I was and am still so glad now that I did not call him and lay into him. I would’ve just felt like shit anyway and so would he.  And he doesn’t deserve that.  I told myself that while I was riding the emotional wave. And that helped too.

I am also glad that I finally did this…stopped myself from calling as well as, sat with the actual feeling and let it roll through me however it was going to do that.

Now I know what it’s like. I hope I can remember for next time, that as much as it hurts going in, the other side feels so much better than when I don’t stay in touch with the feeling.

I actually want to do this again. The more I do this, the more I learn how to tolerate the difficult emotions without taking them out on those who don’t deserve it.

I know this will come up again. I am not so delusional to think that this one incident will release me of all my PD traits or my intolerance to emotion. (Or is that the definition of a PD?)

Fall

I went back and read some things from a hand written journal.

The journal has a photo of a statue of Buddha on the front of it. Inside there are quotes from various things that would be considered related in one way or another to the Buddhist way of thinking.

On one of the pages was the quote I have written in the photo below. The photo was taken by me back in 2011. It’s actually dated 11/11/11.

Masking Cigarettes

B was out today . When he got home I could smell a really strong stink that followed him through the door.

It turned out that Nasty (the landlady) apparently attempted to mask her cigarette smoke with some sort of air freshener spray.

Not only did it follow B through the door after his errands today, it also came up through the kitchen, where the cig smoke smell usually comes up. Only this smell, whatever it is she sprayed was much stronger.

Ugh! Honestly, I’d rather smell the cigarette smell than the cig smell plus whatever it is she used to mask it. Just more shit to breathe in.

B went out to get cinnamon sticks, which I’ll use in the kitchen to mask the smell myself. But cinnamon is natural, not another chemical made in a lab.

While he was out hunting for cinnamon sticks though, I got out some incense, two different kinds and burned one stick in the kitchen, which helped and another kind in the hallway, which made it smell weirder.

I also lit a lightly scented candle and put that on the dining room table.

Whatever she’s got down there, it’s strong and I don’t like it. But at least I’ve got some things to counteract it.

Oh, I also lit some sage, which is actually the fastest acting thing you can use for any scent you don’t like.

We have a skunk problem around here and on nights that I’ve been rudely awakened by that strong stink…after closing the windows, I’ve lit up some sage and the skunk smell dissipates.

And the sage smell is so nice.

I guess that’s what I should burn in the hallway huh?

 

Anxiety and Lack of Empathy

Without going into too much detail, I’m thinking that there is a correlation between empathy and anxiety.

Has anyone else noticed that when feeling anxious the feelings of others don’t matter too much?

This just occurred to me today and I’m wondering how it took me so long to see this in myself.

I have written in the past about ‘flying off the handle’ at B…yelling, berating and feeling threatened, even in situations that aren’t truly threatening.

One example I can use right now, is when B puts utensils away in the wrong drawers. When I open a drawer to find something and see it’s not there, I feel anxious. My focus becomes about finding it. When I find it, I become angry that it wasn’t in the ‘right’ place and that anger becomes directed at the person who did it…aka B.

And then I’m focused on ‘fixing it’ somehow.

Fixing it to me entails calling him if he’s not here and talking to him about it. But I don’t wait to calm down, so at times I can be hurtful. I have done this enough to the point now that he feels that he doesn’t do anything right.

I know that if I wait and calm down, I would be able to just ask him to just leave the things out that he’s doubtful of. But even saying just that in a tone of voice that is under distress, comes across as being…well, not so nice.

I just did this today. I felt so anxious about it, I needed a remedy immediately. And so I called him at work and said just that…”When in doubt leave it out.”

But I know it still came across as a narcissistic way of communicating, because I said more than just that and I said it with a ton of anxiety in my voice and like this situation was all about me.

And so it got me to thinking about a connection between anxiety and lack of empathy, because I also notice that when I am not in anxiety mode or feeling agitated in any way, my empathy is fine.

Clarifying on empathy: When I say my empathy is fine, I can feel the understanding that B is a separate person from me with his own mind, brain and way of thinking. When I’m feeling anxious about something that I perceived as him doing wrong, then that ability becomes skewed and not only do I not care about his feelings in that moment, but I also don’t understand ‘why he can’t get it right.’

I found that emotional empathy is in the limbic system, which in the picture I’ve posted shows that to be quite close to that part that we tend to call the lizard brain.  Sorry, I don’t know the correct name and it’s so frustrating to try to find an illustration that shows and labels every single part of the brain.

The other part of the brain that empathy is controlled is the pre-frontal cortex, but that is cognitive empathy. It seems in the absence of anxiety for me, (and I’m noticing this a lot with the use of kratom) that there is a balance of the two types of empathy.

A problem I’m having though is finding info about what part of the brain is effected by anxiety.

Anyone know?

 

Just Leave me the F*ck Alone (Well that’s what I’d like to say but I didn’t)

Perfect thing to follow up a post that states that I think I’m a narcissist. I mean, to a narcissist it’s always someone else who’s the problem right?

Well I don’t pretend that I don’t have issues. I certainly do.

I am in DBT for therapy. This consists of an individual therapist and also being in a group. I go to both once a week and in fact they are back to back. I’m in group Tuesday and then meet with my individual therapist on Wednesday.

It’s not my therapist that’s the whacko so keep reading.

I had talked to my therapist about how disgusted I am about my body now and how out of shape and…well…fat, I’ve gotten.  Sorry if that offends, but it’s the truth. I’m 5 foot 5 inches and in 2009 weighed 140 pounds. I’ll admit, I wasn’t thrilled with my weight at that point, but it was a lot better than what I weigh now, which is in the 200s. At the doc office last week when I went to get my ears checked (I had an ear ache) I weighed in at 215.

I did it to myself so I’m not here to blame anyone. I used food to comfort myself and at the same time also drank a lot of beer, smoked weed (which makes me want even more junky food) and sat around watching a lot of TV or sat around on the computer.

So here I am struggling and that came up in therapy.

She suggested that she put in to get me a case manager so that I can get into a program that will help me get into physical shape.

I loved the idea and so said yes.

She filled out the paper work she needed to and not only would the case manager help me get into the fitness program, the service would also help me apply for other things they offer, like housing, in case I ever find myself in a situation where I’d need it.

Well, the case manager who was assigned to me called me and left a message. But she had also called a couple times before I called her back and didn’t leave a message.  I called her back as soon as I was able to.

We talked a little and right away I didn’t like her. But I set up an appointment anyway.

I’d had some issues feeling invalidated during our phone call and there were points in the conversation that I didn’t feel understood. I also got the feeling that she didn’t like taking no for an answer, like if I didn’t want to answer something she’d asked. Her response was, “I’m just trying to get to know you better.”

We’d scheduled for Thursday and I’d started to notice an ear problem on Wednesday. By Thursday morning I’d had an ear ache and all I wanted to do was deal with that. So I called to cancel with CM and right away she said, “Did you take anything?”

I sighed in annoyance and said, “Yeah, I got stuff in my ear. I’ll call you back to reschedule when I get this taken care of.”

Her voice sounding a bit distant, she said, :OK no problem.”

It was then I was thinking that I wasn’t going to call her back but definitely wanted to talk to my therapist about it first either way.

When I saw my therapist I told her about my concerns and she put my mind at rest a bit after telling me that case managers aren’t trained the same as therapists, to understand validation, etc. Plus the main thing is to get the forms filled out so I can get into the programs I’m interested in.  She also did offer to give me the woman’s phone number who I would call to ask for a different case manager, but then added that if I hadn’t given this one a chance they might raise an eyebrow.

With that, I’d decided to give this case manager another chance. Or to at least just get in there to fill out forms and get to the stuff I’m interested in. Case managers are someone to only meet with every thirty days anyway. So my plan was to call the CM when I got home from therapy.

But first I had an appointment with a nurse practitioner for what they call a med check, even though I don’t takes meds. This is a procedure that I have to follow in order to stay in DBT so I do.

After my appointment with the NP, as I was leaving and shutting the door, I saw a woman approach and said, “Oh are you going in there?”

She said something in response I didn’t quite understand and so I shut the door to the NPs office and walked down the hall to make a follow up for the required ‘med check.’

As I stood at the window, waiting to reschedule, the woman who approached at the door at the NPs office, approached me at the appointment window. She asked me if I was ‘Sleeping Tiger’ (LOL, of course she said my real name though) and I said, “Yes.”

She then introduced herself as the CM who I’d talked to on the phone. Now I felt cornered and basically stalked and chased down. I mean I’d told her I’d call her back, but apparently she didn’t want to wait for that.

I was not in good shape after my appointment and in fact wasn’t in good shape emotionally before my therapy appointment so I really should’ve just told CM that I would call her but I didn’t do that.

We took a walk down the hall to an area where we could talk pretty privately and she asked me a question and I started talking. I told her a lot. I opened up because of who she is and her position and that she was assigned to me as a case to help me.

She then asked if I wanted to go meet someone who had something to do with some of the programs offered and said that it would be a good way for me to find out something that was offered there. So I went.

When we got there, a man was sitting in a chair near the door to this cluttered room that was the office of the person the CM wanted me to meet. The woman was there and invited us to come in.  The CM sat in the only available chair. The other chair was back behind a table that was tight against a wall. I was not going to sit in that chair so I stood.

The woman motioned the CM to get up so I could sit there.

I sat and then this woman began to inform me about a particular place in the same town where people go to get out of the house and there are different things each person is assigned to. Already I was not interested.

The woman had the man tell me about the job that he does. I became less interested.

The woman asked me what was wrong and made a comment about my body language.

I told her I needed to leave and started toward the door. Halfway out the door she said goodbye and to have a good day. I quietly replied, “Thanks, you too.”

I let the CM know when we got downstairs, standing at the top of the stairway that led to the door I would exit, that I wasn’t happy about that situation. I don’t want to be part of whatever that is. And she said, “Well, now I know.” And through my attempting to talk through what had just happened she must’ve said, “I’m just trying to get to know you” at least three times. (Within a 10 to 15 minute conversation.)

I’d told her, at one point after another, “I’m just trying to get to know you” followed by “so I can help you” that it would help to know what’s on offer, but that’s not the way to let me know. She was quiet after I’d said that.

She did apologize finally at one point and that helped, but I still felt distressed and I was mostly angry at myself for letting it happen.

We made another appointment but the conversation we’d had at the top of the stairs stayed on my mind. I still felt misunderstood.

I felt like with her saying, “I’m just trying to get to know you” over and over that she expected me to spill my life story every time we spoke. I was not feeling comfortable.  I also knew my car was going to need work soon and if it needed to go into the shop that was going to be priority.

So I called her to talk it out and hopefully meet some resolve. But again, I felt like no wasn’t something she was willing to hear. She wasn’t understanding what I was saying to her and again she threw out her go to phrase, “I’m just trying to get to know you.”

That phrase was at that point, now creeping me out and I’d had enough of it.

I can’t give a blow by blow because I don’t remember everything that was said but I did tell her I was uncomfortable with her chasing me down at my appointment.

Her response was, “I’m sorry if you felt that way, I didn’t mean for you to feel that way.”

Before we hung up I did give her a heads up about the possibility of a cancellation again because of my car and then said, if you don’t hear from me you’ll just see me on Wednesday…which was when we’d set our appointment to meet to fill out the required forms.

And the more time went by, the more uncomfortable I felt about meeting with this woman. I kept on thinking about her way of responding to questions I didn’t feel comfortable answering, “I’m just trying to get to know you so I know how to help you.”

And her stalking me down at my med check appointment. So I called, left a message and cancelled again. I also told her that I’m not interested in rescheduling and want to leave it at that.

But on Wednesday around 3 pm she called. She left a message and I ignored it until just about a couple hours ago.

I probably would have left it ignored but for the fact that my therapist called me around 4 to inform me that this CM left a voice mail message on my therapists voice mail asking if she could sit in on a therapy appointment with me.

I’m boiling over with anger thinking about this again. It didn’t hit me when my therapist told me but soon after hanging up with her I’m thinking, “Fuck you! How dare you go behind my back.”

Just imagine showing up for your next therapy appointment and finding someone you want nothing to do with, waiting to go in to your appointment with you.

Luckily that shit is against policy for the therapist to OK such a thing, hence the phone call, although I’m more than sure that my therapist would’ve let me know anyway and given me a say anyway.

So after I got off the phone with my therapist I listened to the voice mail. She didn’t ask me about going to therapy with me. She also told me she got my message. So I’m still wondering why did she call me when I said I wasn’t interested in rescheduling. Apparently that wasn’t clear enough.

Her message was about trying to find a way to meet, to set something up and that her supervisor could be there too, whatever makes me comfortable, she just wants to know how she can help me.

So I called her supervisor, whose number she left me on that voice mail message and let her know I’m no longer interested in the service.

(My therapist told me this kind of thing happens all the time and they’ll just close you out.)

And then I called the CM that has been chasing me, and left a message for her and said the same thing and to just close me out.

I texted my therapist to let her know I did that. And had already informed my therapist when we spoke on the phone that I don’t want her in any therapy session with me. Of course that should go without saying since I said I’m not interested in the service at all anymore, but she’s already shown me how well she knows the meaning of the word no, plenty of times.

Sheesh! Just leave me the fuck alone!