Perfect thing to follow up a post that states that I think I’m a narcissist. I mean, to a narcissist it’s always someone else who’s the problem right?
Well I don’t pretend that I don’t have issues. I certainly do.
I am in DBT for therapy. This consists of an individual therapist and also being in a group. I go to both once a week and in fact they are back to back. I’m in group Tuesday and then meet with my individual therapist on Wednesday.
It’s not my therapist that’s the whacko so keep reading.
I had talked to my therapist about how disgusted I am about my body now and how out of shape and…well…fat, I’ve gotten. Sorry if that offends, but it’s the truth. I’m 5 foot 5 inches and in 2009 weighed 140 pounds. I’ll admit, I wasn’t thrilled with my weight at that point, but it was a lot better than what I weigh now, which is in the 200s. At the doc office last week when I went to get my ears checked (I had an ear ache) I weighed in at 215.
I did it to myself so I’m not here to blame anyone. I used food to comfort myself and at the same time also drank a lot of beer, smoked weed (which makes me want even more junky food) and sat around watching a lot of TV or sat around on the computer.
So here I am struggling and that came up in therapy.
She suggested that she put in to get me a case manager so that I can get into a program that will help me get into physical shape.
I loved the idea and so said yes.
She filled out the paper work she needed to and not only would the case manager help me get into the fitness program, the service would also help me apply for other things they offer, like housing, in case I ever find myself in a situation where I’d need it.
Well, the case manager who was assigned to me called me and left a message. But she had also called a couple times before I called her back and didn’t leave a message. I called her back as soon as I was able to.
We talked a little and right away I didn’t like her. But I set up an appointment anyway.
I’d had some issues feeling invalidated during our phone call and there were points in the conversation that I didn’t feel understood. I also got the feeling that she didn’t like taking no for an answer, like if I didn’t want to answer something she’d asked. Her response was, “I’m just trying to get to know you better.”
We’d scheduled for Thursday and I’d started to notice an ear problem on Wednesday. By Thursday morning I’d had an ear ache and all I wanted to do was deal with that. So I called to cancel with CM and right away she said, “Did you take anything?”
I sighed in annoyance and said, “Yeah, I got stuff in my ear. I’ll call you back to reschedule when I get this taken care of.”
Her voice sounding a bit distant, she said, :OK no problem.”
It was then I was thinking that I wasn’t going to call her back but definitely wanted to talk to my therapist about it first either way.
When I saw my therapist I told her about my concerns and she put my mind at rest a bit after telling me that case managers aren’t trained the same as therapists, to understand validation, etc. Plus the main thing is to get the forms filled out so I can get into the programs I’m interested in. She also did offer to give me the woman’s phone number who I would call to ask for a different case manager, but then added that if I hadn’t given this one a chance they might raise an eyebrow.
With that, I’d decided to give this case manager another chance. Or to at least just get in there to fill out forms and get to the stuff I’m interested in. Case managers are someone to only meet with every thirty days anyway. So my plan was to call the CM when I got home from therapy.
But first I had an appointment with a nurse practitioner for what they call a med check, even though I don’t takes meds. This is a procedure that I have to follow in order to stay in DBT so I do.
After my appointment with the NP, as I was leaving and shutting the door, I saw a woman approach and said, “Oh are you going in there?”
She said something in response I didn’t quite understand and so I shut the door to the NPs office and walked down the hall to make a follow up for the required ‘med check.’
As I stood at the window, waiting to reschedule, the woman who approached at the door at the NPs office, approached me at the appointment window. She asked me if I was ‘Sleeping Tiger’ (LOL, of course she said my real name though) and I said, “Yes.”
She then introduced herself as the CM who I’d talked to on the phone. Now I felt cornered and basically stalked and chased down. I mean I’d told her I’d call her back, but apparently she didn’t want to wait for that.
I was not in good shape after my appointment and in fact wasn’t in good shape emotionally before my therapy appointment so I really should’ve just told CM that I would call her but I didn’t do that.
We took a walk down the hall to an area where we could talk pretty privately and she asked me a question and I started talking. I told her a lot. I opened up because of who she is and her position and that she was assigned to me as a case to help me.
She then asked if I wanted to go meet someone who had something to do with some of the programs offered and said that it would be a good way for me to find out something that was offered there. So I went.
When we got there, a man was sitting in a chair near the door to this cluttered room that was the office of the person the CM wanted me to meet. The woman was there and invited us to come in. The CM sat in the only available chair. The other chair was back behind a table that was tight against a wall. I was not going to sit in that chair so I stood.
The woman motioned the CM to get up so I could sit there.
I sat and then this woman began to inform me about a particular place in the same town where people go to get out of the house and there are different things each person is assigned to. Already I was not interested.
The woman had the man tell me about the job that he does. I became less interested.
The woman asked me what was wrong and made a comment about my body language.
I told her I needed to leave and started toward the door. Halfway out the door she said goodbye and to have a good day. I quietly replied, “Thanks, you too.”
I let the CM know when we got downstairs, standing at the top of the stairway that led to the door I would exit, that I wasn’t happy about that situation. I don’t want to be part of whatever that is. And she said, “Well, now I know.” And through my attempting to talk through what had just happened she must’ve said, “I’m just trying to get to know you” at least three times. (Within a 10 to 15 minute conversation.)
I’d told her, at one point after another, “I’m just trying to get to know you” followed by “so I can help you” that it would help to know what’s on offer, but that’s not the way to let me know. She was quiet after I’d said that.
She did apologize finally at one point and that helped, but I still felt distressed and I was mostly angry at myself for letting it happen.
We made another appointment but the conversation we’d had at the top of the stairs stayed on my mind. I still felt misunderstood.
I felt like with her saying, “I’m just trying to get to know you” over and over that she expected me to spill my life story every time we spoke. I was not feeling comfortable. I also knew my car was going to need work soon and if it needed to go into the shop that was going to be priority.
So I called her to talk it out and hopefully meet some resolve. But again, I felt like no wasn’t something she was willing to hear. She wasn’t understanding what I was saying to her and again she threw out her go to phrase, “I’m just trying to get to know you.”
That phrase was at that point, now creeping me out and I’d had enough of it.
I can’t give a blow by blow because I don’t remember everything that was said but I did tell her I was uncomfortable with her chasing me down at my appointment.
Her response was, “I’m sorry if you felt that way, I didn’t mean for you to feel that way.”
Before we hung up I did give her a heads up about the possibility of a cancellation again because of my car and then said, if you don’t hear from me you’ll just see me on Wednesday…which was when we’d set our appointment to meet to fill out the required forms.
And the more time went by, the more uncomfortable I felt about meeting with this woman. I kept on thinking about her way of responding to questions I didn’t feel comfortable answering, “I’m just trying to get to know you so I know how to help you.”
And her stalking me down at my med check appointment. So I called, left a message and cancelled again. I also told her that I’m not interested in rescheduling and want to leave it at that.
But on Wednesday around 3 pm she called. She left a message and I ignored it until just about a couple hours ago.
I probably would have left it ignored but for the fact that my therapist called me around 4 to inform me that this CM left a voice mail message on my therapists voice mail asking if she could sit in on a therapy appointment with me.
I’m boiling over with anger thinking about this again. It didn’t hit me when my therapist told me but soon after hanging up with her I’m thinking, “Fuck you! How dare you go behind my back.”
Just imagine showing up for your next therapy appointment and finding someone you want nothing to do with, waiting to go in to your appointment with you.
Luckily that shit is against policy for the therapist to OK such a thing, hence the phone call, although I’m more than sure that my therapist would’ve let me know anyway and given me a say anyway.
So after I got off the phone with my therapist I listened to the voice mail. She didn’t ask me about going to therapy with me. She also told me she got my message. So I’m still wondering why did she call me when I said I wasn’t interested in rescheduling. Apparently that wasn’t clear enough.
Her message was about trying to find a way to meet, to set something up and that her supervisor could be there too, whatever makes me comfortable, she just wants to know how she can help me.
So I called her supervisor, whose number she left me on that voice mail message and let her know I’m no longer interested in the service.
(My therapist told me this kind of thing happens all the time and they’ll just close you out.)
And then I called the CM that has been chasing me, and left a message for her and said the same thing and to just close me out.
I texted my therapist to let her know I did that. And had already informed my therapist when we spoke on the phone that I don’t want her in any therapy session with me. Of course that should go without saying since I said I’m not interested in the service at all anymore, but she’s already shown me how well she knows the meaning of the word no, plenty of times.
Sheesh! Just leave me the fuck alone!