Bad Day Bad Life

I woke up this morning with the thought that my life was stolen from me. Everyrthing that’s happened before has led me to this point.

I hate to do this because there’s nothing I can about what’s already happened but it’s so difficult to fell motivated to lift myself out of this because I feel so hopeless.

Yesterday I had another emotional flashback over something B did. I flew off the handle once again and once again it was the same old pattern. I yelled, he sat with his eyes closed, indicating it was too loud for his head and ears and after I calmed down I apologized.

And after I apologized he said, “I should know better.”  Just like a good little abuse victim, he blames himself.

Last week I showed him a video by Richard Grannon where at the end he talks about how a significant other can help, can deal, can cope. In fact before that I had B and I had a conversation and in that conversation I told him to please set boundaries. This is exactly what Richard said.

I told B exactly what to say. “I understand you’re upset/angry but I’m not going to have this conversation until you calm down.”

I pointed out how that line draws a boundary for himself, but lets me know that he’s open to conversation, just not while be disrespected.

Well, he didn’t do it.

I’ve approached him with these ideas before as well.  I mean, I know I’m responsible for my behavior, which is why I have sought for so long for help and finally getting it. But it doesn’t get fixed over night. And the fact is, I need his help.

But he won’t help, or isn’t capable of it. So I’m alone in this, even though I live with someone. And besides that, I’ve only proven to myself once again that it’s a waste of time having these conversations with him.

It’s lonelier living with someone who can’t get involved and help with such a severe problem than it is living alone.

I was thinking about how sick we are as I did my breakfast dishes and thought, one reason for it is that there are no consequences. No consequences for me when I start the yelling and berating. And none for him when he continues with his apathy and lack of care and incapability of communication.

As soon as I ask him how he feels about something he clams up and says he doesn’t know.

We went through a period of time where he wasn’t paying certain bills and I found out incidentally because I happened to be looking for something in the file box where they were kept. He’d gone months making his debt worse and saying NOTHING to me.

That’s worthy of getting the fuck out and never coming back. But did I do that? Nope.

No emotion, no communication, no presence. I can’t even go to sleep when I want because I’m afraid he’ll burn the place down.

I feel so trapped.


7 thoughts on “Bad Day Bad Life

  1. This is such a complex and frustrating situation. I can identify with some of it and I feel the frustration.

    I wonder if B even can make boundaries. It’s very hard to do when you don’t know how or when to do it.

    That feeling of being isolated is one I know all too well. It sounds unpleasant to most people, but it quickly becomes devastating and destructive. Aloneness is one thing. Inflicted loneliness is very different.

    Liked by 2 people

    • When I read this post last night, I was too tired to put together a coherent comment. But my heart really went out to you as I read this. I fell asleep thinking about this, and it was on my mind when I woke up this morning.

      The pain of feeling so alone. The pain of feeling unheard. The pain of your emotional needs not being met in a relationship. The pain of hating yourself, because you believe that your unmet needs and your emotional pain has turned you into a hateful bitchy shrew. I have been there. Oh boy, have I been there.

      Like our friend, OOC, said here, I also wonder if B is incapable of making boundaries. I just read an amazing book, Over My Head by Claudia Osborn. She is a medical doctor who suffered a devastating brain injury in 1988 when a car hit the bike she was riding. She has never been the same person since. She never will be.

      Her book takes you through her journey of waking up as someone she did not recognize, someone who needed more than a year of rehab just to function at a basic level, the best she can function now.

      I saw bits of myself in that book, because I have been knocked unconscious four times in my life, plus I had a transient ischemic attack, called a mini stroke, in my thirties, and I have PTSD, which brain imaging technologies have proven causes a physical brain injury. I have a very iq, or at least I did have, when I was tested in 1978. My iq was 156, then. But since my mini stroke and the last time I was knocked unconscious, which also happened in my 30s, I can tell that I have lost some iq points. And I often struggle with some of the most basic every day tasks, although neurofeedback has helped me a lot.

      Head injuries, subtle brain damage, can happen in so many ways. A fall off the jungle gym as a kid. Hitting your head on the windshield during a car crash. Too much anesthesia during surgery. A hard hit in the head with a baseball when you are a kid. Even most doctors tend to think that if you are conscious and you can add 2+2 and recite the alphabet, you are fine. The emergency room doctor sent me home after my ex husband knocked me unconscious by pounding my face into the floor in 1989. The doctor told me to take it easy for a few days. But I have never been the same since that injury. Simple things that I used to be able to do before that, became very difficult if not impossible.

      My own husband has lost much of his early memory due to the lack of oxygen to his brain during 3 heart attacks that happened before I met him in 2003. In fact, he forgot about the first heart attack that he had when he was in his 30s! After his daughter moved here 2 years ago, she told us about it. She said he was in the hospital for several days.

      My husband has a scar on his forehead from a bullet that ricocheted when he was in Vietnam. He said he had a hell of a headache for days. He broke his neck in 2 places, jumping out of an airplane at 32,000 feet in Vietnam. Did he also hit his head? No one noticed if he did. As a boy, he was in a couple of fist fights. He also has PTSD from Vietnam. But in all of these things, no one has ever addressed the damage these events can cause to the brain.

      We have been married for 13 years. My husband does not initiate a lot of conversations. He does not do a lot. It seems to be getting worse with time. I get annoyed. I get lonely. But after reading Claudia Osborne’s book, now I wonder:: is this just the best he can do?

      Thinking that, doesn’t take away the lonely. But it takes away the angry, and for me, that is a huge relief!

      Yikes I just looked at the time — no time to proofread this ramble, I have a neurofeedback appointment in Amarillo today!

      ((HUG)) dear friend. Text, call, or email if you want. Of course, if I am driving, I won’t be able to answer, and I will be driving for about 5 hours today.

      ❤ ❤

      Liked by 3 people

      • (((Lynda))))thank you so much for your kind words. You usually seem to be able to translate my words into what I’m feeling like…a hateful old shrew is so on point. I have felt so unlovable for so long because of this.

        I have a learned helplessness issue as well so that I know has kept me ‘stuck’ here with him.

        You wrote, “But after reading Claudia Osborne’s book, now I wonder:: is this just the best he can do?”

        That was one of the first things we went over in DBT group the first week I was there. Basically it’s “Assume that everyone is doing the best they can.”

        This may not apply to every situation but I think it’s right that I need to apply it to B.

        When I calm down too, I realize that he’s not ALL bad. I do have a tendency to polarize, which is no surprise with C-PTSD. or BPD or whatever the f you want to call this.

        He does a lot actually. And although it’s true a lot of the emotional aspect isn’t there, one thing he is on board with me about and seems to really understand is my family’s toxicity. So that is a big plus for me.

        I agree with you on all that brain injury stuff as well. I had read some stuff about that a few years ago. I have finally gone to eating higher fat and staying away from grains and this, although not the complete puzzle, is helping somewhat. I’m still adjusting so my blood sugar is still wonky and I think that also plays a part.

        I hope you NFB appt goes well. Glad you had a good visit in WA.

        I have DBT tonight and always need to leave early to make sure I’m not only there on time for group but also have time to eat before going in. So I’ll be busy myself for the rest of the day.

        Hugs to you Lynda…Thank you so much for all of your insight, It means so much to me.

        Liked by 1 person

    • You raise a good point. I know he did say that he’s afraid that if he speaks up it will make things worse. He claims he is not worried about it making it worse for himself but for me because he knows my over-the-top reactions hurt me. (‘Over-the-top reactions’ is my own phrase, not his.)

      But that still seems like an abuse victim appeasing the abuser to me.

      I think you might be right and not only is he not able to but also afraid to. I was thinking about it yesterday some more after I wrote this post and thought, “maybe he’s got C-PTSD himself and it presents much differently. And I’m also sure that living with me has affected and impacted him as well in negative ways.”

      I think about that often and my wanting to leave stems also from wanting to stop hurting him as well as the loneliness I feel.


  2. I’ve been reading blogs this morning since I havent for a week now and trying not catch up on how my friends are feeling and omg we all are feeling alone. How is this so?!!!! So many of us feeling alone in our relationships, friendships. It just sucks. It’s so awful. I’m so so sorry you are feeling this way. Thinking of you!

    Liked by 1 person

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