Going Back

I have a fantasy of going back and doing it all over but knowing what I know now. I could add to the fantasy I guess and say if I had the chance to do it again, I’d do it with more nurturing parents. I mean it’s a fantasy so I can do what I want with my imagination.

But tbh: I think it would be much more interesting and even a bit more fun to do it with the same parents in their same state. But me? I’d be wiser because I’d be conscious of what happened before and that I was getting a do-over.

So the first question is: At what age would I rewind to? Hm, Well, it would be fun to go back and see all my childhood friends in this super-conscious state so going back to four years of age when I started Kindergarten would be a good age.

By then my father had already started abusing me and in fact slapped me across the face when I was three for lying to him about something I was afraid of getting in trouble for. Ironic as fuck I know.  At that age I had no clue he’d been watching exactly what I did that I then lied about.

The fact that he asked a three year old as a test to be honest or lie was outright despicable. And then when I lied to protect myself…a six foot one grown ass man, smacking a toddler across the face? The fucker should’ve been arrested.

I don’t remember it though. My father told me.

I had gone to him, maybe about 10 years ago at this point, to tell him something I was feeling awful about. Something I wanted comfort for. Something I had done at around 10 years old I think it was.

Instead of hearing me out, he interrupted me to make his own little confession. And the story above was what he told me.

That act of his was his biggest betrayal concerning me and probably fucked up any trust of him I had left despite the emotional/psychological abuse I’d already been enduring up to that point.

I remember there was a point in time when I started to scream bloody murder when he’d go to put me on his shoulders, when previously I had no problem with it. In fact I loved it. But I’d bet that smack in the face destroyed the trust so much that I didn’t trust him not to let me fall from his shoulders as well.

I didn’t have the words obviously back then to say this or even understand it completely. I just knew that I felt absolutely terrified about sitting on that man’s shoulders after a certain age and I was still quite small.

I was afraid of him throughout my childhood and into adulthood. He never hit me again, to my recollection, but he didn’t have to. His deep, booming voice was enough to make me jump out of my skin.

I’m still thinking about what age I want to start with in my fantasy. I keep thinking about the age of 13. I think that will be a good place to start…


6 thoughts on “Going Back

  1. I remember reading about the time that you were trying to get comfort from your dad, trying to confess something that happened when you were only 10 years old that you still felt bad about, and he didn’t even hear you out, he interrupted to tell you about the time he had slapped you when you were 4. That’s such a narcissistic thing to do, derail your confession with his own one-up confession, leaving you feeling even more unhappy than you were before. There’s no way to have a genuine conversation someone like that.

    If I could go back and live my life over, knowing what I know now, 13 would be a good choice for me, too. Or 12. Yes, 12 would be better, that’s when my life really began to go off the rails.

    Although 2 might be a good time, also. That’s when my earliest traumatic abuse memories begin. Unless you count my first ever memory, which probably happened before I turned 2. My first clear memory is of an earthquake that shook everything very hard, knocking lamps and knick knacks off of tables and shelves and causing the pictures to fall off the walls. That first memory, of a 6.9 (I think) California earthquake, seemed to set the tone for the rest of my life.

    But no, I couldn’t really do anything differently then, when I was so young. So 12 or 13 would be a good place to start over.

    If you could live your life over, what would want your life to look like today?

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think if it’s a fantasy, you could do anything you want at any age. But I know it’s hard to get past the logic. I think we’d have to transform into Super Diaper Girl or something along those lines. Adults could easily carry us off and do whatever at that age. It’s tough to get past that even in a fantasy. Also the thing for me is to not change their behavior, whether it be parents, teachers, school mates, friends, etc. but to change my response and how it effected me.

      So yeah, 12/13 is a good age because that’s when kids are really start to change and become more their own person, with their own opinions and likes. It’s also the time I became friends with a girl where I was more of the follower. She also bullied me during the time of our friendship.

      Anyway, how I’d like my life to look now?
      Better at managing money, financially fit, home owner, have the freedom to live anywhere I want, healthy relationships, physically fit, business owner (although I’m not sure what type), a healthy marriage with a healthy man, physically, mentally, emotionally and financially, who also feels very much like a companion. Not gonna lie, I’ve always wanted to be rich. That doesn’t mean I would be extravagant. I like simple, clean, more space than ‘things’ taking up that space. But money like that means freedom to me. And then that is sky is the limit kind of stuff. And I’d have to think about the type of things I’d like to do with that freedom.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Super Diaper Girl, lol. That’s cute. And yes, I agree, changing our responses to what other people do, that’s the key.

        Financial freedom would be lovely. More space than things, I am so with you there! And being healthy and having a healthy husband, that would be perfection.

        Totally off topic: I am trying not to have an attack of nerves over flying to Washington state this weekend, and flying back five days later. I haven’t flown in several years and I would really rather not, but driving there from here would take days and cost way more than the economy plane tickets. I plan to distract myself by reading, my Kindle reader has hundreds of books, so I should be fine. It’s just that flying seems so unnatural to me, I really prefer to stay on the ground!

        Plus I will be away from my husband and our two fur babies for 5 whole days. I really don’t like that. How will I sleep without my little poodle cuddled against me? But seeing my daughter and my granddaughter who is on a break right now from Harvard, that will be awesome.

        Still…. eek!! I am definitely moving out of my comfort zone to do this! I doubt if I could even make this trip at all, if I hadn’t had neurofeedback. If I were rich, I would be able to afford tickets for them to come and see me, and my house would be big and nice enough that they would want to come here. 🙂

        Day dreams are nice sometimes, especially when reality is not so wonderful.

        Liked by 1 person

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