I have a fantasy of going back and doing it all over but knowing what I know now. I could add to the fantasy I guess and say if I had the chance to do it again, I’d do it with more nurturing parents. I mean it’s a fantasy so I can do what I want with my imagination.
But tbh: I think it would be much more interesting and even a bit more fun to do it with the same parents in their same state. But me? I’d be wiser because I’d be conscious of what happened before and that I was getting a do-over.
So the first question is: At what age would I rewind to? Hm, Well, it would be fun to go back and see all my childhood friends in this super-conscious state so going back to four years of age when I started Kindergarten would be a good age.
By then my father had already started abusing me and in fact slapped me across the face when I was three for lying to him about something I was afraid of getting in trouble for. Ironic as fuck I know. At that age I had no clue he’d been watching exactly what I did that I then lied about.
The fact that he asked a three year old as a test to be honest or lie was outright despicable. And then when I lied to protect myself…a six foot one grown ass man, smacking a toddler across the face? The fucker should’ve been arrested.
I don’t remember it though. My father told me.
I had gone to him, maybe about 10 years ago at this point, to tell him something I was feeling awful about. Something I wanted comfort for. Something I had done at around 10 years old I think it was.
Instead of hearing me out, he interrupted me to make his own little confession. And the story above was what he told me.
That act of his was his biggest betrayal concerning me and probably fucked up any trust of him I had left despite the emotional/psychological abuse I’d already been enduring up to that point.
I remember there was a point in time when I started to scream bloody murder when he’d go to put me on his shoulders, when previously I had no problem with it. In fact I loved it. But I’d bet that smack in the face destroyed the trust so much that I didn’t trust him not to let me fall from his shoulders as well.
I didn’t have the words obviously back then to say this or even understand it completely. I just knew that I felt absolutely terrified about sitting on that man’s shoulders after a certain age and I was still quite small.
I was afraid of him throughout my childhood and into adulthood. He never hit me again, to my recollection, but he didn’t have to. His deep, booming voice was enough to make me jump out of my skin.
I’m still thinking about what age I want to start with in my fantasy. I keep thinking about the age of 13. I think that will be a good place to start…