More on Roy and Confusion of a Young Woman

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I was thinking more about Roy and our affair, today in the car as I was driving. My usual thing is to look back on events like that and take blame and feel guilt and shame. And today when I was thinking about it, I was like, “Fuck that.”

He was older. he should have known better, he could’ve stopped himself, blah, blah, blah. This is completely out of character for me. But you know, my usual habits have not really served me all that well, so there.

I don’t really even think that stuff. I’m sure he was just as fucked up as I was. But it made me feel better to blame someone other than myself anyway. I need practice placing blame where it actually belongs and I transferred that feeling to my parents and it worked. Because when I drive my mind goes all over the place and I made that jump. The cool thing was, I didn’t feel like a horrible person for placing blame, in either scenario.

Anyway, back to Roy…and me. It’s weird the way I think about him. I don’t think about him much at all. I don’t sit around missing him and I don’t really regret what happened. I don’t even remember his last name. He was a gorgeous man I thought of as being out of my league and I had the chance to hang out with him. The sex was fun.

At the time, when all that crap I wrote about in the previous post went down, I did feel devastated. But he was never really available anyway. And you know, neither was I.

I was a year away from experiencing deep depression and being aware of it. I was already depressed but didn’t have the words to describe what I was feeling.  At the age of 20, I’m truly surprised, when I think about how dark things were for me, that I didn’t attempt suicide. But that didn’t have to do with Roy.

In fact when I was “dating” Roy, I was actually seeing two other guys. I was somewhat of a player myself, I guess you could say. But it was a matter of confusion than anything else. PLUS I wasn’t married.

I had asked Roy, while lying in bed together at his shore house that weekend, if he’d stop seeing me if I was seeing other people. I figured it wouldn’t really matter since he was married. He said, “Yeah, I probably would.” And so I kept my mouth shut. I didn’t feel the least bit guilty about it. But that was only because he was married.

I don’t know he didn’t know though, when, he’d seen me drive away from the restaurant one day with, Tom, one of the guys I was seeing. I remember feeling sad when I got into his truck because I really wanted to be with Roy.

Roy waved as he stood next to Dianne on the loading dock and Tom and I drove away. Dianne had a huge grin on her face.

The relationship between Tom and me had become long distance. But we dated rather seriously when I was 18 until he moved away about a year later. I cheated on him early in our relationship with someone I’d known previously and I almost lost him.

Things were really good between us (well, my perception of good anyway) when Tom moved three hours away and I had no car. That was difficult. I still remember how sad I was the last night I saw him previous to his move.

We still talked a lot on the phone and he came up to visit a lot. Later when I did get a car, I started going down there on a regular basis. I used to love to drive down and spend weekends down there.  He and I had a lot of fun together. He still came up for visits too.  But there were certainly rough patches and I sabotaged things there myself.

I also dated another guy, Tim. I had actually dated him for a short time before dating and getting serious with Tom. At the time I was dating Tim, Tom and I were friends and hung out with some of the same people.  I also had fun with Tim but that relationship had more rough patches than the one between Tom and me. And Tim had many more issues than Tom did. Tim wasn’t as easy going although he had a great sense of humor. Tom was funny as hell and would have me belly laughing a lot.

Tim could be abusive. Tom was unavailable in other ways. (But he wasn’t married.)

I would push them both away and pull them both back in. And not usually simultaneously.  Different things took place internally for me at different times.  Tom would start to get on my nerves and I’d stop seeing him for a while and then I’d spend time with Tim. Then I’d either begin to feel engulfed or tired of Tim too and go back to seeing Tom for a bit.

I would sabotage in other ways as well, like, confessing things I felt guilty about to each of them. I would sit and write long tormented letters about each thought I felt awful for, or something I’d said that I felt might be deemed as disrespectful.  I had this obsession with being completely honest so that they knew every nook of my brain, no matter how hurtful what I told them was.

I’ve always had a difficult time explaining this. I’m not sure anyone else has ever dealt with this. I never wanted to deliberately hurt them. The reason was about being honest. I figured if they stayed with me after I was honest, at least I gave them all the details to make an informed decision then I’d done the right thing. And if they still loved me after I was honest then I wasn’t bad after all.  Problem was, those letters became never ending.

Each time I wrote one thought down, another one would pop into my head and I’d continue to spiral down with each thought or deed I felt the need to write down.  And it just kept going. I’d write endless letters and a lot of times, I found myself squeezing in sentences where I’d forgotten to write them previously, crowding words together so tight, it would make some of the letter unreadable.

Those letters caused a ton of anger within the receiver and a lot of tears from me.

I can feel a tinge of shame, but mostly I feel sad for the young woman who felt the need to confess every adverse thought she had about her boyfriends. I grieve for her and all that lost time sitting on her bed, chain smoking cigarettes, as I wrote endless pages of dark and hurtful thoughts.

I read recently about it, although I don’t remember where or what I’d been looking up. And the article wasn’t about the same scenario I went through. But the explanation was similar enough for me to make a connection. So I got to learn that wasn’t really my fault either. It turns out that there is a good chance there was a nutritional deficiency that caused me to behave like that.

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12 thoughts on “More on Roy and Confusion of a Young Woman

  1. I think, the things you describe here, are what a lot of us do, to varying degrees, when we grow up feeling starved for love.

    About those confessional letters — I did some of that. My feeling, when I was much younger, was that someone saying “I love you” to me did not count, unless they knew every bad thing about me.

    I also felt that way twenty years ago when I was in nursing school, and my fellow 50+ nursing students shocked and honored me by nominating and electing me their class president. I had never beew so affirmed in my life! But…. I kept thinking that it “didn’t really count” because they did not know about my multiple divorces, my affairs, and the two years I spent in an insane asylum as a teenager.

    I felt the same way when I was on the Oprah Show in May 2000, featured in one of her inspirational Remembering Your Spirit segments. “If Oprah knew… if her producers knew… if her audience knew all these terrible things about me, they would not want me here!”

    It’s sad and very painful to grow up feeling so unloved, and so put down, that we drive ourselves crazy trying to find that One Love that will heal our broken heart and make our life bearable — and even when we do find love and affirmation, we can’t fully accept it because “I’m not good enough” and “they don’t know”…

    And yes, nutritional deficiencies play havoc with our cognition and emotions!

    Liked by 1 person

    • (((((Lynda))))) Thank you so much for this comment. I want to cry but I’ve got this cement wall within that won’t let me.

      This touched me so much. You explained this so well and so eloquently and I now understand my behavior so much better than I did. I probably knew this at some point before but forgot. I know that probably sounds a little weird, but then that’s trauma.

      Of course what you explain is the reason for my behavior. DING! I mean, it all goes together, lack of nutrition, etc. but you hit the nail on the head.

      I’m sorry you went through it too but I am so glad someone understands. It was such a nightmare. Thank you! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      • Those of us that weren’t loved as children, were taught that we are all wrong, never good enough, at fault for everything. It’s taken me a lot of therapy, self-help books, neurofeedback, positive affirmations, and prayer, to change my thinking. But I still have to stop myself sometimes from beating myself up for things I did when I was desperately searching for love. Even though the worst of those things happened more than forty years ago!

        I recently came across a quote from Brene Brown that says it all:
        “A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all people. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don’t function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick.”

        Now I’m thinking about Roy, in your previous post. I wonder what he was searching for, and why?

        We human beings are a mess, sometimes. But I believe there is always a reason for the mess. Even in my malignant narcissistic mother’s case. Thanks to my 25 or so neurofeedback treatments, I understand, better than ever, how so many things in our environment will affect our brain functioning. My recent surgery under general anesthesia did a huge number on my brain wave patterns! My mother had a skull fracture as a little girl. She fell on her head on cement. No wonder she is such a mess.

        It gave me goosebumps to know that my last comment helped that much. I prayed before writing it, and that’s what came to my mind. ❤

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        • As I read Brene Brown’s quote, I thought, “And we pretend to belong.”

          I can’t speak for everyone, but when I look back that’s kind of what I was doing with my family and some of the people I referred to as friends.

          I imagined what happened to you mom when I read it. Man o man, how awful for anyone let along a small child.

          I’m going to admit here it also triggered a memory that triggered a memory. I was watching my nephew for…I don’t know, it wasn’t even that long…when he was around 2. He was bouncing on a chair. I was right there and he bounced to much and toppled right over the arm and onto his head onto the floor.

          I’m cringing thinking about this, feeling awful that I let that happen. I was trying to be the “nice” aunt and let him jump on the furniture. So stupid.

          My sister came back in right after he started screaming, which was good since all he wanted was her. I felt awful, apologized profusely but when I think about it, when it comes to mind, I can see I don’t forgive myself for that at all.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Oh, ouch…. I still cringe inside and flashback whenever I see a small child in a grocery cart, and the parent isn’t right there beside their child, they aren’t paying close attention, they are too damn focused on which jar of pickles costs a fraction of a penny less per ounce…. I flashback to my oldest son, just a toddler, falling out of the cart and hitting his head very hard on the floor. My poor son. He seemed OK afterward, but when he was 13 he had a very bad concussion on the playground, and he was never the same, after that. And those things are cumulative.

            My son will be 46 in a few days, and I still flashback when I see kids in shopping carts.

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            • I had the same reaction, “Ooh Ouch” I’m sorry about your son.

              You have a way of making me feel like I’m just human like everyone else.

              I have walked around thinking I’m the worst person ever to walk the planet. And you know when I hear similar things from others, things that I feel bad about for myself, I’m all compassionate to someone else who had similar circumstances.

              I was asked by a therapist once after I’d told her something I still hated myself for, “If your best friend came to you with that would you think she was an awful person, would you hate her, would you judge her, particularly if she showed such remorse?”

              I try to bring that up for myself when I have those bouts of guilt. Doesn’t always work obviously.

              Liked by 1 person

              • Me, too. I spent most of my life beating myself up. Positive affirmations have helped me a lot. Interestingly, so has neurofeedback. When my brain wave patterns are in a healthy state, I don’t think negative, depressed, or anxious thoughts. But when my brain waves are outside the optimal range, I think, and feel, all kinds of negativity.

                Liked by 1 person

  2. Its wonderful to read this and especially the comment stream with so many insights. Being starved for love hits the nail on the head really. I can relate strongly to both the push pull dynamic as well as the over sharing / overexposing of shameful parts of us. Perhaps when we do this we are also testing in some way…as well ass telling umconsciously how alone and unnurtured we really have been.

    Liked by 1 person

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