Running Into My Mother and A Strange Elevator

Found on Google Images

I ran into my mother in a building, who was with my two nephews and they were smaller than I know they’d really be now.

They didn’t feel comfortable greeting me and I could see that. It hurt but I understood since I had not seen them in more than a year.

My mom tried to get them to give me a hug and they clearly continued to resist.
It was then that I walked past my mother and turned to say, “Can’t blame them mom, don’t force them to do things they don’t want to.”

I turned back and walked away.

Even in the dream, I knew I needed to get away from my mother quickly, because I knew if my nephews were with her, my sister may not be far behind and my brother may be around as well.

I had no interest in being stuck and put on the spot in explaining my absence and lack of communication.

After all it would’ve gone unheard, not understood and I would have most likely had to endure their berating words, finger pointing and no accountability blame.

When I walked away I rounded a corner and got on an elevator, only to go to the second floor.

I got on when it opened and I was followed by a couple (man and woman) with lots of large metal things. (Not clear what they actually were.)

These large metal things were many and they would block my exit if I were to get off first. So I hopped over them to be near the door.

When the door opened on the second floor, the walls surrounding the elevator dropped away.

The second floor wasn’t the same second floor I knew I had been on before.

I was looking at a large automotive shop…mechanics working on cars.

So I froze. And then got off with the woman, (part of the couple who had gotten on with all those metal things). We stood at a reception desk and I felt very confused.

The woman said, “You get back on the elevator and I’ll ask them what’s going on.”

I did what she said and I slid onto the floor of the elevator horizontally as it began to move upward again.

My lower legs and feet were still over the line of the floor though and I got scared and felt the urgency to get my legs safely across the line and completely inside the elevator.

The walls were still open but I was afraid they’d either close up again before I got on, or my feet/legs would be cut off by the next floor.

Feel free to interpret what you think this means…especially after I left my mother and nephews. Comment below any ideas you have.


A Family Scapegoat Wakes Up

The email she sent after a traumatic, devastating and seemingly unconnected event, was an exploding point of so many things boiling under the surface from decades of accumulation.

It was about the abuse endured and how she couldn’t make sense or a connection between  the words of love and caring spoken and the actions that showed otherwise.

After the damage was done though, she suspected the email and the words in it would be used against it somehow. But events turned in such a way that it was proven to her. She knew now it was the perfect ammo for them to blame and point fingers at her for all the problems that exist in the family dynamics. To tell her how mean she was. To tell her that it was full of stuff she should’ve gotten over by now. To let her know how difficult it is to be a parent.

In their minds it was all her fault. If she wasn’t depressed, if she’d just get out of the past. If she’d just keep her mouth shut. If she’d just go back to sleep…

If she went back to sleep they could all continue to use her as their scapegoat.

But maybe if she’d stayed quiet and went along and believed, thought and felt the way they all do and did, she wouldn’t be their scapegoat.

What would they have to blame her for?

Just the fact that the family has a scapegoat should give it away that they are all a mess, not just her.

Healthy families don’t have scapegoats. Healthy people don’t find it fun or useful to manipulate, triangulate, take advantage of and abuse one family member. (Or any for that matter.)

If they loved the scapegoat and she did indeed find the courage to express herself feeling like a scapegoat, they would not wave away and invalidate her feelings as ridiculous, then proceed to tear apart her character once again. At times, falsely, attacking her for characteristics of others, not hers.

If they cared about their scapegoat she wouldn’t be the scapegoat.

She’s aware of the egg shells surrounding her. But they’ve got plenty that she tip-toes around too. They all tip-toe around each other too. But they turn a blind eye to those.

She’s expected to own all the mistakes, arguments and all the egg shells too.

In their mind it is she that is always the selfish one. She is the one that should be sacrificing. She is the one who is expected to do whatever they want or need, exactly when they want or need it,  on their terms.

As much as she has tried to discuss the dysfunction and toxicity, none of them want to listen or take their share of the responsibility. No one else is accountable. If she is hurt she is expected to absorb it.

How dare she address it? “Suck it up!” they say, “Grow thicker skin…make the choice to be happy.

She made a choice all right, and walked away forever.

You are Enough on Your Own: A Letter to Myself

You are truly enough alone. You are whole as one. You don’t need someone else to complete you or make you whole.

Just because there are phrases that humans invented like, ‘the better half’ and ‘other half’, it doesn’t mean they are literal.

It seems to me those words pertain to the partnership and the relationship. The relationship itself is an entity…it’s own being.  So when it involves two people there are halves doled out and roles we take.

But what if that partnership/marriage/relationship ends?

Where does that leave you? If you are only whole with someone else it would leave you broken in half. And although it might feel that way sometimes, it’s not the case. You were whole and complete before you met that person. So why wouldn’t you be complete and whole after a break up?

(Just a hint: You are.)

Sadness and grief is normal. Missing someone you loved and invested in is healthy. And it will most likely leave a void where that person once was.

And that is exactly why you need to stay true to yourself, even in a relationship. Keep in touch with yourself, continue to remember who you are.

Your own interests and friends can help you through and fill that void until you grow strong again.

As an individual you do not need to have someone in order to make a life. You may desire and want to have someone to share your life with, but that person is not your entire life.

You have had a tendency to make a man your life, You’ve revolved your life around him and have even given up much of what you enjoyed before he was your universe.

IYou’ve been guilty of putting the responsibility of your happiness on the shoulders of someone else.

Even healthy relationships end, whether it’s by means of a break up or death. Although this hurts and there is a mourning process, leaving your soul/sole happiness completely up to your partner isn’t fair to either one of you.

This isn’t love. It’s dependency and if you feel you need this person in your life then it can and has become desperation. That’s not the same as wanting someone in your life.

Even within a partnership/relationship you are both still individuals with different needs and wants. You won’t always see things the same way. Finding common ground on the important things and certain values is what matters. If that doesn’t exist, sometimes the way to accept the differences is to part ways.

Too often you’ve compromised your own values just to stay with someone or to insure that he will stay with you. And each time you surrendered yourself this way you chipped off a piece of your own spirit. And you have lost so much of yourself.

There are changes and compromises that are reasonable of course. But if you are not being true to yourself and becoming shaky in your authenticity, that is not healthy, nor is it sustainable.

In the end you will begin fighting for your own true self to emerge again and possibly even wonder if you ever had a true self. And depending on how long and how much of yourself has been lost in all that compromising to please and keep someone else, the harder and longer the road back to you will be.

The key is to know yourself and be strong within so that if someone else decides they don’t want to be with you or needs to leave for their own reasons (even death) you will have the strength and confidence to go on without him.

The Meaning of Letters and Words

I brought this over from a blog I started a long time ago and abandoned, like so many others. I called it The Laggage Report. This was my attempt at writing a page there explaining my made up meaning of laggage and how I feel about my initials.

Obviously there is no such word as laggage but it made sense for the intention I had for the blog.

First of all, it originates from my initials…LAG. I’ve always hated those initials because the word lag indicates falling behind, which in reality I’ve always related to and felt as though that’s exactly what I’ve done and am still doing…lagging behind.

I thought of the name after the break up with the AP because it felt like I had a lot of baggage. Well I did have a lot of baggage. I had baggage way before getting involved with him but after that ended I felt like I personified baggage.

So I came up with combining my initials, which spell “lag” with the word “baggage.”

I then never posted there and in time forgot about it. I have wanted to avoid my initials because of the word they spell. But just last night, I thought maybe the avoidance isn’t the answer to my healing because I feel like I’m ignoring the blatant fact that I am and have lagged behind in both comparing myself to my peers as well as what feels right in my own growth,  for my inner being.

Laggage: Baggage too heavy to carry it can’t help but lag behind.  (Still a meaning in progress.)

Family Scapegoat Has Enough

Below is a post I originally wrote back on July 21, 2013, just a few months after my father passed.It was on one blog and I’d left it in “Draft.” When I found it again, I’d posted it in another blog on February 16, 2017. Both blogs abandoned.

Today, July 29, 2017 I came across it again and felt it belonged here.

It’s interesting to read it now after so much time, because I have experienced a sort of slight dissociative amnesia, in between the dates at different times, concerning different things pertaining to my family.

Back in the early part of having severed ties, I was newly waking up to the abuse from my family…more or less.

I was able to see it more clearly I guess you could say. I began to know without doubt that they were causing me loads of emotional and mental harm. Through the years, I knew something was wrong, but I had a lot of self doubt, which I know now came from much gas lighting.

But now, years later, I read this (and many other things I wrote back in 2013) and I can see the self-awareness and the fact that I’d awakened to their bullshit.  But now, with so much time passed, there are things I read here and had forgotten that that was how it went down.

Sometimes I can’t even articulate as well now as I did then as to why I don’t speak to my family. I just say that they abused me in the last months of contact with them. But it’s so much more and deeper than that.

Makes me really glad I wrote during those early days. So without further ado…

They knocked me down but I’m not staying there

Another email arrived, even after I said I needed time and space away from the family. My mother still insisted on asking something of me before she went to France.

When I sent the email in response to a vague message she left on my voice mail, I made it clear I was not available.

At least I thought I did.

But she insisted on asking anyway, to see if I’d be finished “taking my space” by the time she wanted me to house and cat-sit while she traveled.

I told her no, and pretty much left it at that. It was weird for me not to spin into an explanation to try to control her feelings for me.

I grew up explaining myself, pleading my own cases, even when it seemed both senseless and common sense. The outcome for me was the same. I worried about what she thought and how she’d feel.

I found I was asking myself a lot, “What the fuck? Why can’t she understand without an explanation?”

Now I ask, “Why do I feel the need to explain?”

Normally, I would’ve felt compelled to tell her why. But not this time.

I had attempted too many times to discuss things that needed to be cleared up and resolved. I tried more times than I can count, to lead the big elephants out of the room. But she made it clear one day, she’d had enough and was no longer open to discussions initiated in this vein.

I don’t think* my mom has enough awareness to know why I want the time. And in my mind, it’s permanent…this ‘No Contact’ status, because I don’t think she’ll ever realize the real problem, because the problem is me…according to her.

It started with me, she believes. Her words to me over the phone after I’d answered a question she’d asked about the tension among my siblings and me.

Later after that conversation as well as others, she engaged in and enabled some of the manipulation and triangulation among my sister, herself and me.  And the fucked up thing is, that at the time I viewed it as her being helpful, a mediator for us.  But when I ‘woke up’ I saw it for what it was. She had leaned too much to the side of my sister, for her actions to be that of a mediator.

It’s gone on too long and the roles are so ingrained.

Things are more clear now concerning my toxic family dynamic and it’s dysfunction. And I believe, to remove myself from all of it, is the healthiest option in all aspects of the word ‘health.’

There is so much to work through. It hurts, the way things have come about, and the very thought of learning that love doesn’t exist in my family of origin is very painful.

But most important at the moment, is to keep myself clear of giving them or anyone the opportunity to spew their toxic sludge all over me with blame, finger pointing and taking no accountability.

I have quit the job of family scapegoat.

*I know my mother didn’t and doesn’t have enough awareness now. Between the date originally written and now, she has proven it to me more than once.

Understanding the wounds underlying borderline reactions

A good view on the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. This is a blogger well worth reading if you suffer from complex trauma…which is where the symptoms that lead to a BPD diagnosis originate from.

Emerging From The Dark Night

I often struggle when I read that people with so called BPD are struggling with being able to understand that what seem to others to look like ‘over-reactions’ are actually grounded in past experiences of not being met, responded to with empathy or sensitivity or being given what we truly need.  As a result we tend to carry a lot of inward frustration and what I would called ‘historical suffering’ which can get triggered in the present by either perceived abandonment or invalidation which we then project and can tend to respond to in ineffective ways.   Our reactions may seem out of order and beyond context but we do need to understand that they do make sense once our true history is understood.

Core wounds and old pain act in many ways like black holes of suffering that can be triggered in the moment and then suck us down.   Dialectical Behavioural Therapy was…

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It’s Raining Again

This is one of the songs I think of when it starts raining. We’ve gotten a lot lately…which is find by me as I love the rain. The rest of the song doesn’t really apply though, at least not right now. I’ve lost plenty of friends though.

The end of this one has its own memories. Shades of Peter, Paul and Mary.