Diary Card is a Trigger: Having an Emotional Flashback (or Five)

I’m not in a good place right now. I’m having an emotional flashback about this stupid diary card. I feel like a little fucken kid right now as a result and really sensitive.

I remember as a kid in school I would be feeling vulnerable for something like not doing my homework (just as an example) and this would make me afraid, especially when it came to certain teachers. Specifically my first grade nun was abusive when I didn’t get the homework done or even do it right.

So if I was already vulnerable I would be sensitive to just about anything adverse so I would cry easily.

Once I’d forgotten my homework in 7th or 8th grade and (guessing because memory) called my mother and asked her to bring it up to me. She did and when she got there, I saw her at the door of the classroom.

I shot up out of my desk, both embarrassed and relieved to see her there. When I got to the door, I nudged her into the hallway and the tears just flowed.

One year, just being back after the summer, the teacher gave the assignment to write out the multiplication tables. We were only supposed to got to 12 on each number but I kept going, not remembering this from the previous year. And I felt so overwhelmed and don’t even remember now how far I went with each one. It must’ve taken me hours that night to finish that assignment.

I didn’t go to my parents, because I didn’t know if my mom would send me to my father. He was the last one I needed or wanted helping me.

Now for some reason this diary card is sending me back to that assignment and just endlessly writing the times tables and then finding out when I got back to school the next day that I made it even difficult than I had to because I didn’t remember from the previous year, what to do.

So I’m sitting here in tears and I guess I’m supposed to record this shit in that itty bitty box with no fucking room!


4 thoughts on “Diary Card is a Trigger: Having an Emotional Flashback (or Five)

  1. Try to remember there is no nun you have to answer to. You don’t have to be afraid of her being mean to you sweetheart. You are a wonderful woman and I think you are doing s great job. I know about mean teachers, I had one in second grade. You and I are so much better than those who are cruel to little children. I’m sending you warm healing hugs! 💖💜💖

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I read this post first, before reading the preceding post, and I was at a loss, thinking “Diary card? What’s that?” So I clicked back to your previous post, and yikes! Like I commented there, I do NOT like the idea of a diary card. My head would be in a twirl over that thing, too.

    Neurofeedback has helped me so much. But I am still me, and some things are still just not for me. A diary card with only a few specific emotions to check, and one little box for Other, and very little room for notes to expound or explain the emotions, would definitely not work with my brain!

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s not going to work for my brain either. 🙂 Which is why I’m gonna do this journal style. I’m not really thrilled with having to hand write everything though.

      I can see how it can help to retrain the brain. It brings awareness. I’m just going to recreate it a little to fit my needs. Haha!

      I found it interesting too, that it made me more aware of each emotion, including and especially the ones that didn’t appear on the sheet. (I paid close attention to it and used it yesterday.)

      Liked by 1 person

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