I just checked my email for the first time in a little while. And found an email from my mother with the subject line reading, “???”
I debated only for a moment whether to open it or not.
She wants to know if the email address is still valid and if it’s one she can communicate with me through.
I haven’t answered. I am shaking. I am confused and don’t know how or even whether to reply.
In my heart I don’t want to sever all ties. And I certainly don’t want this to be about the subject she emailed me about. Her will. .
It needs to be changed to follow the laws and guidelines of the state she moved to.
She wrote, …although I do not plan on dying soon…” (“I need to update blah, blah, blah.”)
I admit, I was happy to read that she is OK and that statement hints to the fact that she is well.
The email is dated 5/22 and today is the 26th. I just got it this minute. She started by saying that she wants to make sure that my email is indeed the same before sending a more detailed message. That may or may not have something to do with her will.
I worry that responding will open up a gate for her to send numerous messages. And as much as I’d like to deny it, I fear that my response will make her think that despite my no contact, that I want to be sure I’m included in the will.
I have often wondered how it will be when she passes. If I will go to the funeral. Or if she becomes ill before she passes, will I go to her? Will it be right for me to go to her?
I miss a lot of things about her and I can feel the wanting of her approval right now.
I’m stuck and not sure what move to make and if I do write her back, if I should just tell her yes, this is still my email address or if I should just tell her to write me out if that makes her more comfortable, considering the circumstances.
It seems like it might be the right thing to do. But then I also feel like I’ve relinquished myself, bowed out, sacrificed myself enough.
Even if I did write back and tell her to write me out, I don’t want it to sound or seem like I’m being a martyr about it.
I’m noticing right now that I’m feeling the desire to relinquish right now. Just throw my hands up and give in. Just forget this whole no contact thing, at least with her.
I felt a disappointment and coldness in the email, despite little words. I feel that pull to stop her feelings of disappointment and possibly frustration of my stance.
I feel so pathetic.
Update: Already, I said, ‘Fuck it.” And sent a quick response to let her know it’s still my email address. That is all I said.
I am now at the point of going ahead and laying it all out. Clearing up her confusion as to why I don’t want to talk to her or see her.
When I hear from her I feel like I’m the bad one.
When I think about laying it all out, I have confused feelings about it.
Why bother? I’ve attempted explanations before and have been fooled into believing she understood only to be stabbed in the heart.
Fool me once and all that you know.
This sense of guilt that maybe I’m wrong and should just lay the shit aside and just be in her life.