Rethinking a Self-Diagnosis of Narcissism

I just read a post on Lucky Otter’s Haven, that got past me last year…well August 2015. You can find it HERE.

As I read, some thing occurred to me. And I think it’s something I’ve been having trouble with for the last week or so.

A while back…on December 20 to be exact, I put up this post basically confessing to being a covert narcissist and borderline.

Now, I’ve been diagnosed by one therapist as a borderline. I self-diagnosed the narcissism. I can’t bring myself to refer to myself as someone having NPD.

Since I’ve written that post…and I felt pretty strongly about what I wrote because of my behaviors…I now think that I was wrong.

Let me make clear that I am interested in the truth and have no problem with admitting to these things if they are true. Not that I like it or want to be that way…and that is kind of the direction I’m headed here and leads to the point I’m trying to make.

So before I go on with my point as to why I think I’m mistaken about my self-diagnosis of narcissism (as far as it is a disorder for me) and in addition why I think the BPD diagnosis is wrong as well, please read the paragraph below in blue and in quotes.

It’s from Lucky Otter’s post that I linked above. But please go read the whole post/article to put it more into context.

“So what is evil? Evil to me means a person who wants to bring harm to others and has no remorse over what they do and doesn’t care about the suffering they cause–and even enjoys it. It’s a person who goes out of their way to hurt others. It’s a person who tries to destroy the reality or the soul of another human being. It’s a person who never feels guilt or shame over their actions and has no empathy for the pain they cause. All evil people (as far as I know) are of the Cluster B persuasion and most are narcissists (or ASPDs), but not every narcissist or borderline is evil.”

In the article, Otter made the point that narcissism (and BPD) run on a spectrum so there are degrees of each personality disorder.

For the most part I’ve agreed with this and in a way I still do agree that there are degrees of narcissism in people. In fact, there is narcissism in everyone. We need it to survive. We need to care about ourselves so we can stay alive, so we are driven to eat. So we are driven to care about ourselves enough to keep a roof over our heads, have friends to keep us company and to even care about anyone else.

People with BPD are also known to be narcissistic and also fall on a continuum. So although it’s not the same disorder, you’ll find that there are many things in common, which is probably why aware borderlines may feel they have NPD as well.

I was beginning to sway to think that maybe some people with NPD are truly aware of their behavior and they want to get better.

But I don’t know. I think it’s more likely that the people who think they have NPD, who even have behaviors that point to such a disorder, actually have complex PTSD.

There are those with complex PTSD have been misdiagnosed with a cluster b and that’s where I have a problem.

It seems that if evil is defined by having no remorse for the pain one causes, then could it really be that someone displays a behavior that is normally identified with someone with a cluster b, but the person is remorseful, how is that person a cluster b?

Seems to me the person is likely not. And certainly not evil.

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Feeling Better…?

I really hate to ‘speak to soon’ here but I guess for no other reason I need to do this in order to keep track.

I’m feeling different…better.

I’m not getting as agitated. I don’t feel as angry. I have more patience. I don’t feel resentful or easily triggered and/or annoyed by something Mr. B says or does.

That being said though, I’m still making bigger deals out of things that could go without saying anything. And I still notice I’m hanging on to things as well…like I won’t drop something that really isn’t worth battling over.

But I’m not raging, despite feeling triggered, which is the reason for the behaviors mentioned in the paragraph above.

I’m not feeling scared to go out, out of fear of being triggered. I have been feeling more confident when in supermarkets and even driving.

The tailgaters have lessened, although there was one today.

But just as I was starting to get pissed off about that, a basketball rolled out into the middle of a slightly busy road. I got passed the ball just in time but the car (big ass SUV) had to stop, which put distance behind us. It also gave another car time to get behind me, of which the driver was not a tailgater.

Thing is, I get behind slow drivers and generally keep a car length between us. I’m forced to go slow, and I’m the one who ends up with the tailgater. Ugh.

But I had some divine intervention today.

I also lost it a little in the Whole Foods parking lot when I was pulling out of my parking spot to leave and a big SUV (yep another one) wouldn’t back the fuck up so I could get out far enough. Instead of putting in reverse he honked his horn. I was going ultra slow, and sitting there watching me, he had plenty of time to move but instead he just sat there.

So I stopped for a second and yelled, “BACK UP.” He didn’t hear me but that’s not the point. Even Mr. B got angry. “BACK UP IDIOT!” He yelled. This is quite out of character for Mr. B but that parking lot is horrendous. It was worse before they moved to a larger location, but it’s still the same customer base, therefore the same entitled mindset. Mainline assholes I call them. (That’s what the area is called where the Whole Foods is…”The Mainline.” It’s full of wealthy people and in addition it’s a densely populated area.

I have nothing against wealthy people. When I was pet sitting I met a lot and most of them were nice people. But collectively speaking, in a stressful situation, they are some of the most entitled feeling types of people.

After getting out of there, I yelled about it for a little bit after, saying what I wish I could’ve said to the jerk, so I’m not completely free. Hell, I will always have emotions, but it didn’t ruin the rest of the drive and it didn’t ruin my day.

So what’s different right? Because that doesn’t sound all that different.

I’m not getting annoyed when Mr. B needs me to repeat something for one example. In general he gets on my nerves (which I think has been spawn out of resentment) and I’m just not getting that anymore.

I did feel overwhelmed at my appointment with the therapist and had a tough time explaining myself.

Edit Monday 11/6/17:
I did not finish this post. It stopped at ‘explai’ and I filled that little bit in there, just above, just now. I’m trying to remember which therapist this would’ve been and I certainly don’t know what I was trying to explain to him or her. I’m thinking it was probably Amy, the one who realized I needed and then advocated for me to get DBT.

All that I wrote above seems ridiculous now. It wasn’t consistent, it didn’t remain or get better. In fact I got worse somewhere along the line.  It’s silly to think my behavior would be different so quickly.

I’ve been struggling really badly recently and the depression has gotten awful. I started taking kratom again in hopes it will help. I’m not going to write about that here, because reading this post now, I have to smh. Years of agitation, anger and resentment is not going to be fixed by a couple of healthy meals. So I’m not going to pretend or think that kratom is going to change me into someone different either.  It’s helping, that’s all I’ll say right now.