Sick of Shrinking Myself

Mentally and emotionally that is. Because physically I’ve been growing, which really sucks. I’m 50…I don’t need to do any more physical growing because when that happens at 50, the only direction is out.

But anyway, I think the class I’m taking in recovery from codependency might have started working. I am putting in the effort though… and so far only a little.

The reason I say that is because I’ve written some posts that I’ve made public that I’ve, previous to now have been too afraid to. Too afraid of judgment. I’ve made a lot of mistakes and I don’t like myself much, so talking about my behaviors isn’t something I’ve been comfortable with.

But I’m sick of hiding myself and the truth. I was abused and I can also behave in abusive ways because of it. I am responsible for it and I’m not proud of it. But one reason I signed up to recover from codependency and finally get on with it, is because my life is not working, it never has.

I come from an abusive family, my father was narcissistic and emotionally abusive and my mother was emotionally neglectful. When we were kids, I bullied my brother and spoiled my sister. My brother is pretty self-absorbed and full of rage and my sister is quite narcissistic. In the final weeks of contact with my family I was drained of all my energy by every single family member, including my dying father.

I’ve dated and had relationships with mostly abusive men or emotionally unavailable ones. My friends have been unhealthy emotionally and it’s now catching up with them physically. Right now, the only friend I have around is Mr. B.

I don’t really miss anyone, although I do miss what I didn’t get nor have from my family.

There are a few blogs posts I just put up that I’d originally put on another blog that I’m keeping private. It’s a notebook of sorts for me to keep the info I’m learning in the aforementioned class. And I was going to include some private blog posts and write my thoughts and feelings about things I haven’t felt comfortable about posting here.

But today, I changed my mind on that. It’s going here because I’m sick of shrinking myself.

Part of why I’m so angry is because I have kept so much shit to myself. I want to heal that anger (rage) so I need to do what I can that will lead to that and writing what I’ve been holding back on, is part of that.

It’s difficult to explain but I tend to expect the same from other people in general, as what I get from my sister. I remember trying to have normal conversations with her about general, mundane things and then learned she judged me for my thoughts and feelings. When I have an interest in things I hesitate to talk about them to anyone because I expect them to feel the same way about my expressing myself as my sister does.

The tension really built between my sister and I and it got to the point so that I didn’t feel comfortable talking to her at all. But one day she was talking about a friend of her’s kid and how her friend was having a difficult time with him. He was (according to my sister) having tantrums often.

Despite my knowing that she would certainly have some sort of problem with me suggesting that it could be the kid’s diet or something in it, I spoke up about it anyway.

When she responded with a tension filled silence, I knew what I’d said bothered her.  But if she wasn’t going to address the elephant in the room, neither was I…at least not at that moment.  We’d been sitting there with her toddler son and I wasn’t about to get into it while he was sitting between us playing.

TBH, I most likely wouldn’t have gotten into it with her anyway because I’d have been afraid she’d attack me physically. It had been years…decades really since that had happened…and it happened only once, but the memory was fresh and I was still afraid of her.

She changed the subject but I wasn’t all that surprised when she brought it up later. In fact it was the reason I’d been talking to her in the first place. I’d called her on the phone because I wanted to confront my feelings about her not accepting me for who I am, with the aforementioned interaction in mind. But there were other times that I’d not spoken up and I was tired of bitching about her behavior to Mr B and wanted to hash it out directly with her.

And once I’d had those words out, she was off and running about how I was such an awful person. First thing she said was, “Well, I have issues” and then proceeded to tell me how ridiculous my idea about her friend’s kid having a reaction to food was.

This coming from someone who has stated how hyper her own children get on sugar. So she’s aware that food can have an effect on the brain.  Our brain does dictate much of our behavior, because emotion happens in the brain as much as it happens in the rest of the body. But the brain is what dictates our behavior. There are such thing as chemicals in food that cross the blood/brain barrier and do damage to our brains. HELLO!!!

She believed (and I know this because she had no qualms in telling me) that when I talked about food and nutrition, that I was pushing it on her. I used to talk to her about things I had been learning that were new to me while researching heavily about health and nutrition in the early 2000s.

Honestly, I foolishly thought, although we were sisters, we were also friends and spoke to her in that way about this topic. I was just stating things that I’d read and found interesting. And I would say things like, “That makes sense because when I eat such and such, I feel like this.” I never told her how to eat or that she should feed her kids a certain way.

Now she’s a fitness instructor and has no problem talking about food and nutrition herself as if it’s all her own idea.

Edit Friday /9/15/17: I’m reminded here of an occasion my sister had a party for. I made and took a sesame noodle dish to share with everyone, to add to the rest of the spread. One of her friends had some, asked if I’d made it. Right after he asked, I saw my sister look at me and watch my interaction with her friend. “Yes,” I said. He replied, “They’re good.” Of course I was pleased that someone appreciated my efforts and I smiled and said, “Thanks.”

My sister had been watching ME the whole time this interaction took place. So it wasn’t like she was engaging. That would entail looking back and forth at each one of us as we said our parts.S

She’s definitely sick.

And me, I’m like the blob. I let what she thought, effect me in such a way that I began to feel like I shouldn’t pursue nutrition and health. I’ve been shrinking myself back and not been practicing anything I know because I’ve been believing I’m not worthy of it.

And I haven’t been speaking up or out about things because I view everyone to be like her. Judgmental and discouraging. So if I keep it all to myself, that way no one can discourage me. I discourage myself enough though obviously.

But not everyone is like her. Plus I have a puzzle of self to figure out.

So as far as my sister goes…FUCK HER!

Edit 9/15/17: Reading the comment below and my response…ugh. I was so much more clueless than I am now. It’s weird how things open up. The comment was very enlightening and I kind of rejected it and explained my sister’s behavior more. OF COURSE there is always a reason behind behaviors, no matter what those behaviors are. But it doesn’t change the fact that they are fucked up when they are indeed fucked up.

The commenters experience was very much like mine when it came to his mother.  I love this: “Conversations should never feel like you have to walk on hot coals.” YES! That pretty much sums it up.


2 thoughts on “Sick of Shrinking Myself

  1. A conversation should never feel like you have to walk on hot coals, and I remember that all too well with my own narcissistic mother.

    At one time I attended college as a health science major to become a physician assistant, and I would come home to share what I learned with her since she was a nurse.

    But she would always get upset on the basis I was trying to “show her up.” Narcissistic people will feel attacked if presented with information outside what they know or figure to be “right.”

    I.e. it’s hard to connect with someone when they don’t want to listen to what you have to say or think. Even agreeing to disagree is beneath them lol

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Nodding my head. My sister had/has a lot of resentment toward me so I think that’s part of it. Not making excuses. Just trying to figure it out.

    She and I were close as kids. I spoiled her and I do think that contributed to her narcissism.

    But not only that, when I began going through depression, I pulled away from her. I became passive aggressive as well when I spoke to her sometimes. I think maybe she felt betrayed and abandoned by me when I became the proverbial “Identified Patient” in psychological terms. Making me ripe to become the scapegoat.

    But yeah, I see what you’re saying, but I’m glad I don’t understand that attitude on not wanting to have a convo like this. I love to learn both about the stuff people know and about their experiences.

    Liked by 1 person

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