Depression or Narcissism: Life is Like Groundhog Day

I am really having a hard time of things. I’m feeling like I’ve made no progress at best, or worse regressed.

I’m such a child emotionally and the more time goes on the more I think I might be a narcissist.

I’m so disgusted with my situation yet what I am doing to change it is miniscule and feels like I will never get anywhere. I will never be able to live on my own.

Almost everything Mr. B does gets on my nerves and I don’t hide that too well, so he’s quite aware of it.

I’m (very obviously) angry these days and have been angry chronically for decades. People irritate the shit out of me and I see so much stupidity around me I just want to quit society.

I understand that some of that is my own cloudy mind because of the anger but other things are genuinely a problem. There’s a lot of feelings of entitlement out there and it makes me sick how self centered people are for the most ridiculous things.

Again, I’m feeling scattered and like I want to leave this blog and start over. When I look at this thing, I just think it’s a big mess. I want to organize it but it’s so damn messy, I don’t know where to start. But if I start over, I am still having the same issues so I will probably get to the same point again eventually.

I have other topics I want to write about so I keep going back and forth with setting up a string of blogs or just writing all topics on the same one and just categorizing things.

I guess it depends on what my intention is and I’m torn on that as well. To earn money from blogging, a niche is probably important. And I’m not saying I necessarily want to make money on my misery (but then why not) but there are other things I’m knowledgeable about that might work to monetize.

Of course I don’t know til I try. But I get paralyzed because I have one idea, then another idea and then another idea. I make a list and I have five things I could have blogs for. Do I do a separate blog for all these things?

I think PTSD has something to do with the procrastination of starting. I do think separate blogs is the right answer. It’s the way the internet works. But it’s not easy for me to work that way. So I think, “No, you know, I’ll just do one blog and write about everything I want to write about.”

And two minutes later I change my mind back again. And then I think about how difficult it will be for me to keep up with so many blogs and go back to the decision of one, change my mind AGAIN, get overwhelmed, feel disorganized and get so frustrated I do nothing.

Isn’t this what narcs do?

I’m watching videos on YT by other people talking about their experiences with narcs, but they seem to have success at least enough to live on their own, care for their children if they have them, go out to work each day and earn a living, plus be organized enough to utilize a platform like Youtube, or even blogs, to say and write what they want to write.

But me, I’ve been reading and watching for over 6 years, started a bunch of shit and have not finished or continued much of anything. Even books…I used to finish books all the time but now, I lose interest and have taken quite a few books back to the library or stuck them back on the shelf unfinished and I’m pretty disinterested in everything now.

I know my disorganized and scattered feelings are an old topic. I revisit it every so often on one blog or another of my own. So it’s probably annoying to anyone who’s read it before. Same old song and dance. Here I am feeling sorry for myself again. I’m afraid to do something in the direction of getting something accomplished because I’m paralyzed with fear it will be the wrong decision.

I like the title of this blog and want to continue with this one, but when I think about cleaning it up, I get so overwhelmed I don’t even know where or how to start. The thought of starting over somewhere else makes me feel like not even bothering.

Posting this, it’s like Groundhog day. The difference though is that I’m not really learning, I’m not changing. I’m the same person I’ve been since I was 13. I continue to feel the same way about things, I make the same mistakes. Even if I learn something from them, it’s like I’m stuck in the same hole so I can’t even help but to do the same shit on different days.

It just seems useless.

Who the fuck am I? And what the fuck should I do? (Other than kill myself that is.)

Edit Thursday 9/14/17: I still struggle with self-identity, but don’t think I’m a narc anymore. But I also have not made a whole lot of progress. The reason I believe is having little help with healing complex PTSD. I am in DBT now but don’t think it’s the end all be all. I do hope it will help in areas of my life to progress instead of staying stagnant. As for what to do with this blog, I’ve kept it as is. I’ve done some sporadic posts about my cat. But I want to save him for his own platform. This is a blog about the shitty way I grew up and the shitty decisions I made because of it. I am more settled in my blame for my parents but still struggling to take responsibility for my life.


Self-Sabotage: Something I’ve Noticed

Sometimes when I’m feeling good or happy or full of energy and then attempt to use the energy, I self-sabotage. If I’m hiking, I step on a branch and then trip over it with the other foot. I jump down a set of stone steps, land on a twisted ankle and fall to the ground.

The day before I went on a cross-country trip many years ago, I got on a bicycle that was entirely too big for me and got my foot caught in the foot holds of the peddle. I could not get my foot out and fell over.

A couple nights later, my friend Toph and I had made it to DC and were staying with a friend of a friend, with a few other friends. We went to a concert and just to make a long story short we broke off into two groups and I lost the friend I was traveling with.

But I was still with two other people I knew well and we stopped to get beers. Then the leader of the pack decided he wanted to get down the ground (floor level of the show). It was a far jump that I really needed both hands to make safely. I jumped anyway, with beer in hand and scraped up my leg. I spilled most of my beer too.

That pretty much ruined any good time I might have on the ground so I went back up the steps and went to the rest room to clean up.

By then, I ‘d lost both groups of people and sat among a small set of bleachers of strangers. It sucked and it was boring and lonely. But I did have the presence of mind to remember where the car was and found my way back to it. When I did I just laid on the hood and waited for all the friends to make their way back to it.

During our trip I’d lost my friend again, in the woods of a park in WV. He took a path but I stayed behind. A few minutes later I changed my mind and tried to follow him. The path split though and I took the right. Somehow, I found my way to a meadow, crossed it and ended up on the road inside the park.

A park ranger pulled over to see if I was OK and so I told him what had happened and luckily was able to use a particular cabin as a landmark to get back to where Toph was. The ranger drove me back and my friend was sitting on the hood of the car waiting.

This was 1995 and there were no cell phones, (not really) in case you are reading and wondering why the fuck didn’t we just call or text to find each other…well that’s why.

I don’t think the above examples are conscious methods of self-sabotage, but I do think that’s what I’m doing, subconsciously.

Not that every time someone falls or has an accident that’s what’s going on. I’m only speaking for myself and certain situations.

I self-sabotage in conscious ways too, however, I don’t think it’s any less a learned behavior than the subconscious behaviors.

When I’m eating healthy, begin to develop healthy habits, and start to feel better in general, the go-to is to do something that is not good for my health. Smoke pot, eat junk, drink yummy craft beer. It takes me further away from what, who and where I want to be.

Even though I know this, each time, I make this choice to ‘fall.’

Creeped Out

So I got a part time job, which involves me going into people’s yards. Some are home and some are not. The service the company provides does not require the client to be home.  I don’t want to mention the exact job right now although it’s honest work for a local company. And you may be able to figure it out by my story.

I love to work alone and going onto people’s property by myself has not been a problem…until now.

Yesterday, I was at a new client’s home and he really didn’t do anything that would raise any sort of suspicion if I said what took place. You might say, “Well, being a new client to the business and even to the service we provide, he may just want to see how it works. Maybe he was doing what he thought he was supposed to be doing.”

And yeah, that makes logical sense but I got an unsettled vibe and felt sick to my stomach about it last night.

From where I parked, I needed to go around to the back of the house and into a gate. I lock any gate I go into behind me because all clients have dogs and I want to make sure that if they do come out while I’m there, they can’t break out of the gate.

So the very second I was about to start my routine, this client came out the sliding door, which leads to a deck in the fenced in area, where I was and brought a cute little dog with him. When he got outside, he seemed to want to start a conversation and the little dog made this strange faint little barking noise. So I said, “Tryna bark” and I laughed a little.

He said, “Trying to, but I hope he never figures it out.” (Or something like that.)
That right there, I didn’t think anything of it, until later when I’d thought more about the whole situation.

I went about my work and he went and stood in the yard off to the side a bit with dog in tow. He had his phone in his hand.

After finishing up, I walked around to the area (back toward my car) where the trash cans were, which was by the garage.

Just as I got to that spot, the garage door made a sudden sound, which signaled that someone inside had pushed a button to open it.   The loud sudden noise made me jump. Hyper-vigilance of a trauma survivor.

The trash cans were laying on their sides so he came out to stand one up so I could throw away what I’d been there to clean up.  He asked me my name, I told him and then he told me his. I then said, goodbye and as I turned to walk away I said, “have a good day.”  He said, “You too” and that was it.

Last week my boss had been there to do the first round of service and after she’d left, he called her and said, “I think you went to the wrong house because it doesn’t look like you did anything.”

So she went back and found one little thing that she hadn’t done.

I’m just feeling weirded out and i know nothing he did was really out of the ordinary but that feeling of not feeling safe really has me messed up, along with that comment that he doesn’t want his dog to bark.

I know not everyone likes the sound of barking dogs. I’m one of them. But to say he never wants his own dog to bark just sets off an alarm for me. Particularly when talking about someone who’s most likely wealthy. I would think he’d want a dog to bark so anyone who may try to break in would at least be deterred at the sound of a barking dog.

I don’t know if I’m being silly or what. I want to mention it to my boss but not sure that’s a good idea.

What do  you think?

Edit Friday 9/15/17: I’m not working for the company anymore. Not because of this guy though. I still never really felt comfortable there and I still think the guy was a little creepy. Maybe it was the hovering in the beginning and perhaps he’s a control freak. That would send out shitty vibes to me. There’s more to say about the job in general and why I quit and what happened when I told the asshole boss I couldn’t do the job anymore. But I’ll save that for its own post.

It’s That Time of Year Once Again

Triangulation+-+Narcissistic+MotherMother’s day is soon upon us and I’m feeling a bit anxious about it. I admit I feel kinda glad I have no obligation to anyone and that I don’t have to make Hallmark a couple dollars richer but still. Mother’s day is a weird day as is the anticipation of it through the week leading up to it. It’s been like this the last few years.

I just went to look through some emails my mom and I exchanged and realized that this is the third mother’s day since I decided on severing ties with my family.

Thing is ties have not actually been severed that long because I just discovered (because my memory craps out on me when I’m stressed out) that my mom and I were still communicating a little through email throughout 2014.

The last email I received and then ignored was sent from her in December of 2014. She wanted to see me while she was in town and by that time, I didn’t want to communicate at all anymore.

The communications between the two of us were civil enough, she’s not a narcissist. She was more like a flying monkey for my sister. And I’m still not comfortable with using that term in reference to my mother.

Edit: Thursday 9/14/17: I’m much more comfortable in using “flying monkey” as a term for my mother as well as other words that are known to offend some people whatever context they are used in. At the same time, I am also more inclined now to tell you that she is indeed narcissistic herself. In the almost three years since I’ve written this, I have woken up even more, learned even more and understand even more about the behavior of my family members and that includes my not so lovely mother.

Not having her in my life hurts the most and I miss her. I knew those emails were going to trigger this emotion but I really wanted to see when the last time was I actually responded to her.

Edit 9/14/17: When I say hurts the most, I’m saying in comparison to how it feels to not be in contact with her and my siblings. But when I think about my brother at times, that can also bring about a feeling of “missing him the most” too. I get sad about my sister, but I don’t ever feel the temptation to contact her that I feel at certain times when I think about my mother or even my brother.

She has sent birthday and Christmas cards since, but no emails and no phone calls.

I feel ashamed though because I wasn’t honest with her when I addressed needing “time away from the family.” I told her I needed to straighten my life out and that my wanting to take time away from the family has nothing to do with grudges or blame and that it was about taking responsibility for my life, that wasn’t the whole of it.  Sure I needed to straighten myself out. I’m still a mess. But I was angry at her and my siblings. I needed to go no contact and I was too fucking chicken to tell any of them the whole story.

Edit: 9/14/17: Reading this now, I feel sad for my self just those few years ago. I have no reason to feel guilty. The guilt likely comes from the fact that honesty is a value of mine. But in this case, honesty had already been utilized. Discussions were had, resolution attempted. Any I got nowhere but blamed and scapegoated. It wasn’t like I hadn’t tried. It was a matter of survival. Besides, it was a good way not to completely burn the bridge. But I still think it may have been better not to say anything. No one asked me why, it was info I offered. It wasn’t necessary to give that lie out. Maybe instead of guilt, see it as a life lesson. It’s not like I had experience in cutting ties with toxic family. I’m human, I made a mistake.

I was pissed off, sad and beat into the ground from all the double standards, all the gas lighting and all the bullying by my siblings and then my mother’s part in the triangulation with my sister and her minimization of my brother’s raging at me. She waved that off as “just an emotional reaction.”

But I couldn’t write or tell her any of that. I couldn’t tell them how I really felt because I was too afraid of the tables getting turned. So they have no idea what I’m staying away for, not really.

But you know, if she had some sort of awareness she would know that her behavior was unacceptable, inexcusable and rather appalling for a mother. And she would take action to address it and maybe even fix it.