Ok now that I have your attention…or maybe it did the opposite and you have no interest in reading further because of the aggressive profanity. Well I don’t give a shit because this is a Christmas present to MYSELF! And quite frankly…Fuck you! sums it up quite well anyway.
I got your invitation to your annual Christmas open house. And my RSVP is a big fat “NO” and a “How dare you even send one to me.”
Stop sending me invitations. Stop sending Christmas cards. Move on and pretend you don’t know me because you don’t deserve to know me. Your cruelty, abuse and narcissistic triangulations, manipulations and gas lighting is something I’m wide awake to and I no longer have any desire to see you, talk to you or PRETEND that everything is fine and fuckin’ dandy.
How dare you send me an invite as if everything is A-ok. Get a grip on reality dear sister and realize that just because you have made your decision to “not talk about the past with me” anymore, that the shit doesn’t just suddenly go away. And just because you don’t “give me permission” for my own feelings, but are well entitled to yours and you make sure everyone knows it, I still have my feelings and emotions.
And my feeling is that, if you’re not willing to ‘talk about the past’ and resolve shit, and instead prefer to condescend me for needing to, in order to have a relationship, then you have no place in my life.
My turn to point my finger at you!
You wanna tell me what’s wrong with me but don’t wanna look in the mirror. You wanna tell me all about the elephant in the room, the last time I was there for Christmas (the year before our sperm donor died). But you don’t wanna talk about why it’s there. Instead you want to dump it all on me. And then wanna invite me to another Christmas party? It’s unbelievable how insane this is.
You wanna put dad’s abuse on me. You want to blame me for all the eggshells that surround our family, yet you have a history of explosive anger yourself. You want to pretend people can have healthy relationships without resolving issues and use your marriage as an example. Meanwhile your husband is so fat because he can’t stop eating. People don’t binge eat and don’t have junk food addictions because their life is awesome.
But you wanna look away from that. You wanna deny that apologies mean something. You wanna tell me you think that since we’re sisters we should be able to fight one day and then act like nothing happened the next.
But you fight dirty. You use shit against me from the past, when I try to discuss something that’s more present. You want to tell me how fucked up I am…but you’re the one who doesn’t wanna talk about the past. Are you for real?
Oh, that’s right, only when it’s convenient for you. Only when it works for you. Only when you can smash my confidence into the dirt, is when talking about the past is OK. Because the things that are not OK for me in your world, are just fine for you.
I’m sick of your bullshit double standards, contradictions and abuse. I’m sick of you not being able to have a resolving type of conversation without screaming, and telling me about how awful I am.
I’m not going to accept your invitation to this year’s Christmas party. You’re the one to bring up the last elephant in the room. And now you invite me to another Christmas party, where that elephant still resides? I’m not going to pretend there’s no elephant in the room and I’m not going to allow you to blame me for it. In fact I’m going to stay away again, for the third year in a row.
I’m not going to worry about acting ‘my part’ and pretending we’re some loving family that gives a shit about each other. I’m not going to pretend you didn’t bully me and run me into the ground so hard while our sperm donor was dying.
I’m not going to pretend that I was treated like the step child, while you and our brother made all the decisions. I’m not going to pretend I’m not angry. I’m not going to act like I’m not hurt that you pretended to understand why I wouldn’t want to be involved in helping care for him. And then proved your bullshit later by verbally beating me up for my indecisiveness.
You are done mind fucking me. All of you. Egg donor too.
I’m done, I’ve been done and I’m done forever. Unless you can see past your narcissistic denial of turning me into Cinderella. Unless you can sincerely apologize I never want to see any of you again.
And quite frankly, I’m well aware that none of you are capable of seeing the toxic dynamics and your activities of dumping on me, manipulating me and using double standards against me to fit your agendas, all the while putting a ‘selfish’ label on me.
I don’t ever expect you to understand why I want nothing to do with you so I’m not holding out any unrealistic expectations. I’m well in touch with reality and know damn well that when it comes to our family, it is not rainbows and unicorns. Ever.
And I also know that that’s what you all want to pretend.
Nope. Not gonna happen.