Safety First Ignored

scooter fall

When we were clearing out my father’s apartment of all the furniture he had in it, my sister had her two sons there and my brother had his daughter there.

At one point I came out the sliding glass doors with a large box and my nephews came speeding toward me on their Razor scooters. They quickly stopped after they’d almost run right into me.

It was difficult enough to carry the box and to be running repeatedly, in and out of the sliding glass doors, let alone having to worry about the kids skating up and down the walk way we needed to use to get all that shit to the van and other cars.

My brother-in-law had been standing off to the side, engaged in a conversation with the guy my brother got to help us move all that stuff, because the guy had a van.

I could see that my brother-in-law saw this whole incident of both of my nephews coming to a screeching halt as they saw me emerge from the apartment onto the walk way. And then said absolutely nothing in the way of telling them they needed to stop using the walk way for their scooter fun.

I was so exhausted and feeling beaten after all I’d been through with my chaotic and abusive family for the last couple months.  I myself felt worthless, so it would stand to reason my brother-in-law would see me that way. I said nothing to stick up for myself though because of the fear I felt. The fear that had developed for my sister. And I certainly didn’t want to deal with any rage coming from my fat fuck of a brother-in-law.

A caring, attentive and considerate person would tell their children not to to do what my nephews and niece had been doing. Granted there was no where else really for them to do that, but so fucking what.

Safety first!

I took it as proof positive that they didn’t give one fuck if I ended up on the ground.

And actually the kids could’ve gone out to the parking lot  to ride their scooters. By then they were old enough to know how to avoid traffic in a parking lot that was not very busy, but had plenty of room for them to ride their scooters.

But that’s me. My sister was always so protective and constantly afraid that they’d disappear.  In a way I understand and don’t blame her. But in this case, then they needed to get the fuck off their scooters and maybe help carry small things.

Maybe that’s tough on my part, but running over their aunt was/is not acceptable. Go play in the grass.

It’s understandable that the kids wouldn’t know better at the age they were but it’s unacceptable for a parent not to set things right and tell the kids to stop because they could cause some harm.

I know now, that they just never gave a fuck about me and to be honest, I would not be surprised if my BIL was wishing harm on me anyway. And this thought/feeling doesn’t just come out of thin air either.

There were other incidents with him that indicated and made it obvious he didn’t like me. He’d used sarcasm and short abrupt responses to me in the past. So I had/have no doubt it was a purposeful act of neglect.

Andy, dear ass hole brother in law…I have two words for you.

Fuck you!

None of them including him, counted me as a human that mattered.

Yeah, ask me if I miss my family.

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2 thoughts on “Safety First Ignored

  1. “Yeah, ask me if I miss my family.” I hear the well-placed sarcasm and I am right there with a resounding NOT. I don’t miss my family of origin, either…

    Except… I miss what might have been and what could have been and should have been, but never was…. except in isolated moments of Hallmark card fakery.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sarcasm works to release the pain sometimes and even now thinking back to that moment, it hurts to think I didn’t matter enough to correct this behavior. Being an adult I should’ve felt comfortable enough to ‘reprimand’ them but truth is after all the emotional beating I felt pretty small and worthless as it was.

      This:
      “Except… I miss what might have been and what could have been and should have been, but never was”
      Exactly! Thing is even with all the abuse in the past, to me it’s forgivable. But ONLY with sincere apologies and no more denial. That’s how I feel about it anyway.

      I refuse to be some second class or invisible citizen who doesn’t get respect. I refuse to be the scapegoat or the trash dump ever again.

      The other night while having a “Hallmark moment” which didn’t last long…I was imagining going back into the family fold and I could just hear my brother and sister telling me how selfish I was to pull away, not being available to mourn the loss of our father together with them. Not being available to our mother in her old age. Pointing fingers at me yet again instead of wanting to find out the reasons (although they should know and realize) and having some compassion.

      That is all in my head however because I’m not about to find out right now. But given the history of my lovely sister being all understanding and sweet one day and all accusing the next, it wouldn’t surprise me. It will be good to be prepared for it if the opportunity ever presents itself.

      Liked by 1 person

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