You know what sucks?
To feel judged. It sucks to feel judged. Even worse, it sucks to not even be sure. Because after making yourself vulnerable you get nothing but crickets.
I said too much. I explained myself too much. I trusted too much. My own damn mistake though since I’d been judged by the person once before. Hello! Duh!
One thing I need to stop doing is ignoring that intuition of mine.
The above was referring to an old ‘friend’ of mine who I told a little bit about my upbringing. I was told by her that I’ve always been a bit on the sensitive side.
I told her because I thought she’d understand. I thought since she’d been molested as a small child by her step-father while her mother let it happen, she’d have some validation for me. But nope. I figured wrong. Seems I always figure wrong.
Something else was triggered for me in thinking about this incident with my ‘friend’ so I would like to write a few words of advice from both sides of the couch.
-Careful how you judge people.
-Careful who you tell your personal shit to.
-Careful who you help
-Careful HOW you help: Someone may not have ‘been heard’ by anyone else about something that is really bothering them and then come to you. Maybe some validation is in order and all that is really needed.
Moving on to another case of disregard and feeling dismissed:
A blogger who’s blog was my lifeline at one point, had also become a counselor to me as well. It was all done as a friend kind of thing and I confided a lot of my personal story in her.
I have no problem with doing that, in spite of what seemed to have gone wrong. I still trust that all I shared with her is safe with her. I still feel like she helped me a whole ton and in fact helped me realize and understand the abuse I’d suffered as a child, as well as the abuse I’d been going through at the time of our email exchange.
However, we had a bit of a blow out because I’d felt coerced by her at one point, and had felt that way as a result of something she’d said, once before and had not spoken up. The second time I felt the need to say something. But when I did, I did not have the vocabulary. The word I’d needed to explain myself was coercion. So instead, I’d explained it by telling her I felt the same about her trying to talk me into doing something I’d said I didn’t want to do, as I had in another situation that I had confided in her about.
She became angry and hurt because she thought I was comparing her to this other person and his character, who’s reason for his coercion was actually illegal and perverted.
(My boss’s husband wanted me to talk dirty to him on the phone. Fucking Bill was a pervert. I’d write his last name here if I knew it, but I can’t remember now because my boss never took his last name.)
I got upset (anxious and scared she would ‘abandon’ me) when she got angry and my ability to explain to her that I wasn’t comparing the two of them like they were similar types of people, just trying to communicate my feelings about what she had said to me.
Her fucking words were the same as his.
The perv who’d asked me for phone sex, which I told him NO to, said as I was leaving, “Think about it, it might do you some good too.”
My friend, who’d wanted me to continue participating in a group she’d started on Facebook, after I’d emailed her telling her I no longer wished to participate in it anymore, said the same thing, “You really should stick with it, it would do you good as well as others.”
It’s the same fucking thing. But she could not get past her perception of believing I was comparing her character to the pervs character. She could not comprehend that I was attempting to convey that MY FEELINGS WERE THE SAME IN BOTH SCENARIOS.
After I apologized (an apology I didn’t really owe her) she denied being coercive by saying, what you do is up to you and then said, “I’ve closed the group anyway.”
So, as usual, my concerns are not relevant. My feelings don’t matter and again, I had gotten involved with someone who has no capacity to resolve shit without jumping to wrong fucking conclusions.
I held my tongue (or pen or keyboard) because I thought, well, it’s over and she’s fragile. After all, she’s got PTSD too. I should give her a pass, especially with everything she’s done for me. But the good does not cancel out the shit if the shit is never resolved. Being dismissed SUCKS!
So I say, FUCK YOU! I never owed you an apology. You didn’t listen and it was so frustrating when you didn’t understand I just gave up, let you be right and accepted the role of being wrong, like I always do because, god forbid I rock the boat. Besides, continuing to discuss would make things worse right? It would get on your nerves right? It’s done so I should just leave it alone right?
So if you’re gonna help others like a therapist or if you’re being helped by someone like a therapist, make sure you get clear where the boundaries are on both sides of the fence. Make sure you are in an emotional place to help as well. It’s better to say you’re not, than to attempt it and then make things worse for yourself and the one in need of help.
In a therapist/patient relationship, the patient should not have to be careful about what he or she says. Hurting the therapist’s feelings is not something the patient should ever really worry about. Because it’s not personal. A therapist should be a safe place to practice setting boundaries and communicating feelings. Professional therapists understand this.
It’s just not right to position yourself as a counselor and then react in anger at the ‘patient’ when said patient communicates to you, something you perceive to be out of line and then continue to not be open to any other explanation other than what you perceived (which was wrong) in the first place.
In a true therapy situation this would not have been an issue. Someone who has trouble expressing themselves needs a safe place to do so, because of past fears and outcomes of doing so. If you haven’t completed your own work in healing, it’s probably not a good idea to play therapist.
I’m tired of keeping my mouth shut about this sort of thing. I’m tired of questioning myself into so much doubt that I end up believing that I’m in the complete wrong and that I’m the sole problem. And then I end up so angry I take it out on others who have nothing to do with it. I’m sick of hiding my head up my ass and putting my tail between my legs.
To continue further, I am not a narc for asking others if I’m behaving appropriately because I’m too emotionally stunted to know. The therapist friend (referred to above) told me that my posting a question on Facebook asking whether I should be bothered by certain behaviors of workmen in our house, is narcissistic on my part.
I’m not a narc for thinking I deserve respect and it’s wrong to scold me for trying to talk out an issue that I wasn’t clear on how to discuss, when you’ve assigned yourself both roles of counselor and friend.
I turned to her about it because no one else was listening to us (Mr B and me). I thought she’d be the one to understand but she minimized it as much as the landlord, the owner of the company and the foreman. In fact, it was my FB friends who told me I had every fucking right to be pissed off at the way those douche bags were behaving. And then to not be listened and minimized by the one person I thought would get it, was beyond unacceptable.
I get so angry when I think about this. And it’s something that would need resolving if we were to remain friends. Instead, I let it go. Well not really, I just didn’t bring it up anymore. I relinquished and apologized because her feelings mattered more than mine.
I also don’t feel comfortable bringing it up again, now after all this time has passed. After all, it’s water under the bridge right? If I say something then I’m the asshole.
What? You’re still thinking about that?
Why would I not be since it was never resolved.
Edit July 1, 2017: The relationship as you can probably guess was never the same. I stopped emailing her and in turn she did the same. It was about a year that I emailed again, trying to put the shit behind me. With the apology, she had moved forward but since I didn’t feel I really owed her the apology, the whole thing is still in the air, so to speak. The emails we exchanged were not about the abuse and after a few exchanges they stopped again. I can only speak for the reasons on my side, which is the anger and unfair outcome of the whole incident I wrote about above. I don’t have the tolerance to be real and true friends with someone when there is shit that is unresolved between us.
And I’m not comfortable bringing it up and attempting to work it out. As she told me once, ironically, pertaining to the disrespectful workmen, “sometimes you just have to let it go.”
(I’m paraphrasing unfortunately. It would take me some time to find her exact quote.)
I’m sick of being the silent one while everyone else feels rather justified in talking out their shit and even sometimes pointing the proverbial finger at me.
Enough is enough. I’m human too…not a fuckin’ doormat!