Dismissed At Almost Every Turn

You know what sucks?

To feel judged. It sucks to feel judged. Even worse, it sucks to not even be sure. Because after making yourself vulnerable you get nothing but crickets.

I said too much. I explained myself too much. I trusted too much.  My own damn mistake though since I’d been judged by the person once before. Hello! Duh!

One thing I need to stop doing is ignoring that intuition of mine.

The above was referring to an old ‘friend’ of mine who I told a little bit about my upbringing. I was told by her that I’ve always been a bit on the sensitive side.

I told her because I thought she’d understand. I thought since she’d been molested as a small child by her step-father while her mother let it happen, she’d have some validation for me. But nope. I figured wrong. Seems I always figure wrong.

——————————————————————————————————————

Something else was triggered for me in thinking about this incident with my ‘friend’ so I would like to write a few words of advice from both sides of the couch.

-Careful how you judge people.

-Careful who you tell your personal shit to.

-Careful who you help

-Careful HOW you help: Someone may not have ‘been heard’ by anyone else about something that is really bothering them and then come to you. Maybe some validation is in order and all that is really needed.

Moving on to another case of disregard and feeling dismissed:

A blogger who’s blog was my lifeline at one point, had also become a counselor to me as well. It was all done as a friend kind of thing and I confided a lot of my personal story in her.

I have no problem with doing that, in spite of what seemed to have gone wrong. I still trust that all I shared with her is safe with her. I still feel like she helped me a whole ton and in fact helped me realize and understand the abuse I’d suffered as a child, as well as the abuse I’d been going through at the time of our email exchange.

However, we had a bit of a blow out because I’d felt coerced by her at one point, and had felt that way as a result of something she’d said, once before and had not spoken up. The second time I felt the need to say something. But when I did, I did not have the vocabulary. The word I’d needed to explain myself was coercion. So instead, I’d explained it by telling her I felt the same about her trying to talk me into doing something I’d said I didn’t want to do, as I had in another situation that I had confided in her about.

She became angry and hurt because she thought I was comparing her to this other person and his character, who’s reason for his coercion was actually illegal and perverted.

(My boss’s husband wanted me to talk dirty to him on the phone. Fucking Bill was a pervert. I’d write his last name here if I knew it, but I can’t remember now because my boss never took his last name.)

I got upset (anxious and scared she would ‘abandon’ me) when she got angry and my ability to explain to her that I wasn’t comparing the two of them like they were similar types of people, just trying to communicate my feelings about what she had said to me.

Her fucking words were the same as his.

The perv who’d asked me for phone sex, which I told him NO to, said as I was leaving, “Think about it, it might do you some good too.”

My friend, who’d wanted me to continue participating in a group she’d started on Facebook, after I’d emailed her telling her I no longer wished to participate in it anymore, said the same thing, “You really should stick with it, it would do you good as well as others.”

It’s the same fucking thing. But she could not get past her perception of believing I was comparing her character to the pervs character. She could not comprehend that I was attempting to convey that MY FEELINGS WERE THE SAME IN BOTH SCENARIOS.

After I apologized (an apology I didn’t really owe her) she denied being coercive by saying, what you do is up to you and then said, “I’ve closed the group anyway.”

So, as usual, my concerns are not relevant. My feelings don’t matter and again, I had gotten involved with someone who has no capacity to resolve shit without jumping to wrong fucking conclusions.

I held my tongue (or pen or keyboard) because I thought, well, it’s over and she’s fragile. After all, she’s got PTSD too. I should give her a pass, especially with everything she’s done for me. But the good does not cancel out the shit if the shit is never resolved. Being dismissed SUCKS!

So I say, FUCK YOU! I never owed you an apology. You didn’t listen and it was so frustrating when you didn’t understand I just gave up, let you be right and accepted the role of being wrong, like I always do because, god forbid I rock the boat. Besides, continuing to discuss would make things worse right? It would get on your nerves right?  It’s done so I should just leave it alone right?

So if you’re gonna help others like a therapist or if you’re being helped by someone like a therapist, make sure you get clear where the boundaries are on both sides of the fence. Make sure you are in an emotional place to help as well. It’s better to say you’re not, than to attempt it and then make things worse for yourself and the one in need of help.

In a therapist/patient relationship, the patient should not have to be careful about what he or she says. Hurting the therapist’s feelings is not something the patient should ever really worry about. Because it’s not personal. A therapist should be a safe place to practice setting boundaries and communicating feelings.  Professional therapists understand this.

It’s just not right to position yourself as a counselor and then react in anger at the ‘patient’ when said patient communicates to you, something you perceive to be out of line and then continue to not be open to any other explanation other than what you perceived (which was wrong) in the first place.

In a true therapy situation this would not have been an issue. Someone who has trouble expressing themselves needs a safe place to do so, because of past fears and outcomes of doing so.  If you haven’t completed your own work in healing, it’s probably not a good idea to play therapist.

I’m tired of keeping my mouth shut about this sort of thing. I’m tired of questioning myself into so much doubt that I end up believing that I’m in the complete wrong and that I’m the sole problem. And then I end up so angry I take it out on others who have nothing to do with it.  I’m sick of hiding my head up my ass and putting my tail between my legs.

To continue further, I am not a narc for asking others if I’m behaving appropriately because I’m too emotionally stunted to know. The therapist friend (referred to above) told me that my posting a question on Facebook asking whether I should be bothered by certain behaviors of workmen in our house, is narcissistic on my part.

I’m not a narc for thinking I deserve respect and it’s wrong to scold me for trying to talk out an issue that I wasn’t clear on how to discuss, when you’ve assigned yourself both roles of counselor and friend.

I turned to her about it because no one else was listening to us (Mr B and me). I thought she’d be the one to understand but she minimized it as much as the landlord, the owner of the company and the foreman.  In fact, it was my FB friends who told me I had every fucking right to be pissed off at the way those douche bags were behaving. And then to not be listened and minimized by the one person I thought would get it, was beyond unacceptable.

I get so angry when I think about this. And it’s something that would need resolving if we were to remain friends. Instead, I let it go. Well not really, I just didn’t bring it up anymore. I relinquished and apologized because her feelings mattered more than mine.

I also don’t feel comfortable bringing it up again, now after all this time has passed. After all, it’s water under the bridge right?  If I say something then I’m the asshole.

What? You’re still thinking about that?

Why would I not be since it was never resolved.

Edit July 1, 2017: The relationship as you can probably guess was never the same. I stopped emailing her and in turn she did the same. It was about a year that I emailed again, trying to put the shit behind me. With the apology, she had moved forward but since I didn’t feel I really owed her the apology, the whole thing is still in the air, so to speak.  The emails we exchanged were not about the abuse and after a few exchanges they stopped again. I can only speak for the reasons on my side, which is the anger and unfair outcome of the whole incident I wrote about above. I don’t have the tolerance to be real and true friends with someone when there is shit that is unresolved between us.

And I’m not comfortable bringing it up and attempting to work it out. As she told me once, ironically, pertaining to the disrespectful workmen, “sometimes you just have to let it go.”
(I’m paraphrasing unfortunately. It would take me some time to find her exact quote.)

I’m sick of being the silent one while everyone else feels rather justified in talking out their shit and even sometimes pointing the proverbial finger at me.

Enough is enough. I’m human too…not a fuckin’ doormat!

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15 thoughts on “Dismissed At Almost Every Turn

  1. Sorry you’re having a rough go of things right now (((hugs))) Personally, if it helps at all, I don’t see how wanting people who don’t live in your home to respect it, as being wrong in any way. I can relate to how you feel when you are going over in your head if you should say or do anything…it’s hard to listen to your gut when people are always trying to label you in some way. I’m a bit better at it now but for the longest time….I would do anything to avoid conflict even if it meant hurting myself and my own needs…I have learned however, that saying things like “No”…and just being very matter-of-fact about what it is you expect is not as scary as it feels…although still super uncomfortable for me…working on it lol I agree as well your points about who to help, who to tell personal info to etc. I have made that mistake many times. I would have this compulsive urge to just spill my guts lol Just know I am sending good vibes your way! You’re right, you’re not a fucking doormat! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. First, I am so glad that you did speak. I’m so glad that you told her that those words reminded you of other words that were used and you know what. How is it her responsibility to tell you what is good for you. Only you know what is good for you. She had no right to be defensive whatsoever. She SHOULD have said, “I’m sorry if I said that that way and it upset you” so you have every right to be upset.
    The other thing is that friend who said you’ve always been on the sensitive side. How dare she! She doesn’t get to judge how you respond to something, how you feel. What your emotions are. I cannot stand people like that. I’ve had it done to me. I’m just too sensitive, um no maybe that person is just an asshole!
    I’m really glad you reposted this!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much Bethany! Your validation and understanding helps me feel so much better.

      I needed to get that out. I felt so unjustly treated by the friend/counselor and I’ll likely never say anything to her.
      I actually took the email exchange between she and I to the therapist I was seeing at the time. I fully expected to be told how I was in the wrong. She did the complete opposite. It was nice.

      The other woman, she later had an issue with a foster sister of hers and when she told me about it, I made a comment, (kind of an under the radar comment) about what she’d said that time and how I’d felt about my family/father.

      I can’t remember what I said, but it got the point across from what I could tell and she said something along the lines of , “I understand now.”

      So that made a difference.

      But I’m with you on that comment. I got that from my sibs too. “Grow thicker skin” was a fave of my sisters.

      Like

      • Somewhere I have a quote that says if you have low self esteem make sure you aren’t surrounded by assholes. Or something like that.
        They ingrain this idea that we have the problem. If only we were somehow tougher.
        Then we walk around letting other things slide, second guessing and questioning ourselves. I’ve done it my whole life. So I am so glad you said something to this friend and just had that final word and that put her in her place and make her understand moment. Even had she not said she understood at least you would have gotten it out there that what she did was wrong.
        That takes courage.

        Liked by 1 person

        • “Then we walk around letting other things slide, second guessing and questioning ourselves.”

          This^^^^ Oh so damn true!
          I have also done this my whole life. I still do it.

          I think to a point, this is good, to question and check yourself. But there’s a pathological aspect too. The codependent aspect where I not just question but just take for granted, it must be me that’s wrong or the problem because after all, I’m the one flawed here.

          Don’t get me wrong I’ve been the asshole. I lost a friend in high school because I was jealous and went about trying to get back to our old friendship all the wrong way. Whew, that’s a post right there, maybe a series of them.

          But yeah, I’ve had a tough time figuring out what’s me, what’s them and what’s both because my upbringing made it difficult to understand what constitutes healthy.

          I think I was better at it when I was younger. I could see how my father was messed up in the way he related to some and the way his behavior wasn’t right. But as I got older, I found myself behaving in much the same way. And I put that down to programming really.

          Gives a new meaning to the line from the song, “My Back Pages”…
          “I was so much older then, I’m younger than that now.”

          Like

  3. I SOOOOOOOO get this. I almost felt like I was reading something I wrote.

    Almost, but not quite. When a situation like this happens in my life, I feel all these feelings, I think all these thoughts — but when I try to write about it, I can’t do it. It’s like I have mental and emotional constipation.

    My neurofeedback treatments are helping me so much. But I am still struggling with this. Your ability to write so coherently and movingly about deeply painful issues, is amazing to me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Your compliments are bringing tears to my eyes. Thanks Lynda!

      I actually wrote about all of these things before. I’m trying to remember if it was this same post, which I edited. Because I may have written about each thing in separate posts. But I don’t remember now. It seems like an emotion like anger, (as I write) will lead me from one incident to the next where I felt similar emotions. But then I feel like the post is scattered and confusing to understand for someone reading.

      I’d prefer each incident to have its own post, but I hesitate to separate and change things too much when there’s been comments and there was one already when I edited.

      There is more detail to the story about the workmen so I may write about that at some point.

      I’d like to write it somewhere though where local people will see it so they are careful when hiring from that company. She doesn’t have her company on YELP or any other place where I can do a review or I would’ve done that already.

      As for being able to get my feelings and thoughts across…There are times I need to give the incident and me some space afterward before I can write about it coherently. All these things in this post happened quite some time ago.

      But one thing that helps at the time if I’m really enraged is to write it out by hand in a journal. That way there are not thoughts or worries about anyone else being able to understand it. It’s a release and it doesn’t have to make sense. But I still feel better after.

      Liked by 1 person

            • Oh wow that’s weird. I remember when I was a kid and I went bike riding once with my mom. I’d never seen her on a bike before that but knew the story of her breaking her leg when she fell off her bike once.

              I asked her if she thought she’d remember how to ride a bike. Not knowing then the phrase about it. That’s when I learned people never forget.

              Maybe it was just the balance thing, I know I have to acclimate each time I get on one after a long while.

              I bought one from a friend’s husband who trash picked it and fixed it. I still have it and for the three years I had no car, that thing was a constant companion. I even kept it in the living room much of the time.

              Liked by 1 person

              • Lol, I am sure that if I hadn’t given up right away, I would have gotten my bike riding skills back. But shortly after I made my first wobbling ride down the street and back, feeling like I was going to crash at any minute — although I didn’t — I was walking fast in a parking lot when I tripped over something and fell, breaking four ribs and fracturing my left wrist. After that, I figured that learning to ride a bicycle again was Not Smart, in my case!

                Like

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