Self-Expression, Binges and Creativity

stuckSo stuck it hurts.

Don’t remember the last time I’ve freely expressed myself. My body and mind shut down. I don’t even know WHAT to say, let alone how to say it.

I’m quiet and feel embarrassed to say ANYTHING anymore.  Like I want to shrink, not be heard or seen. Just…

“Don’t mind me.”

So I started thinking today about different ways to express oneself. And maybe it would be good to do that in those ways or at least as many as possible in a day.

Ways to express yourself:
-Through the mind: imagining, visualizing, thinking, meditating

-Through talking: having a conversation, asking a question/being an interviewer, being interviewed, speaking in public/monologue on stage, acting on stage, etc.

Through eating: whatever your usual habits are, the way you eat most of the time. What you eat shows in time and your body is an expression of how you care for yourself.

-Through movement of body: dancing, yoga, playing an instrument, playing a sport, walking, hiking, etc.

-Through writing, drawing, painting, crafting

I’m sure there are more, so if you know of any I missed, please let me know.

Expressing Myself with the Wrong Foods

I’ve gotten terribly fat, gaining most of the weight within three years. I would like to say I stopped caring about myself and that would be true, but the cause of it was a trauma (an ongoing one with an abrupt and strange ending). Actually it was the stress that my body experienced that caused me to crave so much and I let the depression keep me from caring about preparing meals. So I ate and have been eating lots of take out, lots of sugar and lots of fat and sugar combos.

I also began drinking heavier than I’d ever done before and I’d already been known to be a binge drinker.

I finally made a commitment to myself last New Year’s eve to stop drinking for the year of 2015. We’re getting near November and I’m still going strong. And feel rather confident I will make it. New Years day, I will have the option to have a drink. My preference being craft beer.

I go back and forth on different days in my feelings of whether I will want one or not that day. I would love to be able to drink one beer and really savor and enjoy it. Then, stop there. But I’ve been a mostly binge drinker, so it’s a good bet I wouldn’t stop at one. I know that to be able to drink beer in such a healthy manner, the emotional issues need to be dealt with. So I believe it will be better for me not to indulge at this point.

However, what I need to do is utilize this psychological mind-set for other things. The commitment I made to myself…that seems to have had an impact for me. I was determined to stop the binge drinking and I found a way.

Now, what if I commit myself to a better way of eating? Something specific that I commit to doing every single day for a year. Like juicing would be a good place to start. Use my juicer and make myself at least one juice every day.

There needs to be more to it than that though. I need a whole plan and given my binge habit, that also transfers to food, sticking to something structured would be the best way to go for me.

Of course I want to lose the weight, but getting healthy precipitates the weight loss. Get healthy and the weight sorts itself out.

In addition to being overweight, I have uterine fibroids. When I first started to learn about them after my diagnosis, I found a video of a woman speaking about creativity correlating with the womb. It was the most interesting thing I have heard or read to this day. I’ll post the link to it below.

Taking care of yourself physically is an important aspect but at the same time, creating and loving the act of creating has to be part of the remedy as well.  All parts of ourselves work in unison. We aren’t broken into parts, no matter how much we feel that way.

I keep wanting to pursue creative endeavors and then stall with fear and anxiety. Looking for traction, yet still hiding behind something, someone.

Click right here to check out the video I mentioned above about Uterine fibroids, creativity and the womb.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s