This morning I woke at around 7:15 and got up to pee. I’d gone to bed late so I knew getting up at 6 wasn’t going to happen.
I went back to lay down for another 45 minutes but ended up not going back to sleep and when I got up 15 minutes before my alarm, I decided to use that time to meditate.
Not a whole lot of meditating got done since my mind was everywhere. But then I learned recently that you’re not really supposed to silent your mind, but I did catch myself a time or two and said, “Stop.” It’s good to catch yourself and focus on your breath even if you know your mind won’t be blank.
When I got up from my attempt at meditating, I noticed I had what felt like a sore muscle pain. In fact I still have it and it’s gotten progressively worse throughout the day. There was a point in the day that I thought it might be a broken rib but I didn’t do anything that would’ve made that happen. So I was puzzled.
It’s difficult to get good breaths but I can manage and it’s not too excruciating as long as I’m not sitting a certain way. The pain radiates from just under my left shoulder blade to my side along the rib cage there and then around front to my chest. I can only feel it in my chest while sitting up in bed, like right now. But today I was sitting at my desk and it didn’t radiate that far.
I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out what I’d done. I couldn’t remember lifting anything heavy and thought maybe I did something in my sleep. But eventually I remembered. On Saturday, I lifted a bin that had a lot of photographs in it. I lifted it off an even bigger bin that had a bunch of clothes in it that I haven’t been able to wear in a long time. I felt the need to build up some excitement for bringing my weight down. In fact I was excited to look at all my cute stuff.
So I remember when I lifted the smaller but heavy bin off the larger bin, I pivoted in such a way that when I did it I knew it was not the right way to have done that. But I wasn’t effected immediately and I didn’t hurt yesterday either. But wow, today has been bad and I’m now exhausted and very uncomfortable to say the least. I have no idea how I’m going to sleep.
Needless to say, my progress in writing was really slow today. I’m sure the pain has something to do with it. But I also found myself feeling stuck. I wasn’t feeling the emotion I needed to be off and running that I needed when I sat down to write. I started a couple different times, trying to start in the right place, to make it sound right, compelling, true, good.
It wasn’t working and I could feel the struggle. I was so frustrated.
I was trying to think of specific dates relating to the end of my father’s life. I really need to tell that story. It’s the last thing that sent me further into a downward spiral and I’ve never completely grieved, even though I cried at his funeral. There’s so much more to it than that. That’s for sure.
In trying to piece together some dates, I remembered some correspondence between my father and me. After finding the emails I needed for that specific information, I continued reading. I found an email I’d forgotten about writing and contained things I’d forgotten feeling at that time The tears flowed and I thought, “There! That’s what I’ve wanted. To feel, to cry.”
But the tears were a mix of emotions including the frustration at my struggle today.
I also remembered later, that I have journal entries that tell the story and letters to family members that were never sent and never meant to be. Those will help me write my story.
The pain on my left side felt like the shoe dropping. Esoterically speaking, it’s my understanding that the left side pertains to your past.
I’m going to attempt to find a therapist for this process. But I’m not going to let any difficulty in finding one stop me from proceeding however. The distraction of this nasty pain might though.
My subconscious seems to be stopping me mentally, emotionally and physically.
I’m anxious that I didn’t get much done. But I felt a lot more than I have in a long time and I made some discoveries that hadn’t registered for me before, which contributed to the heavy emotion.
I’m still working on the Tag Line for the blog as well as a display name. Not sure what I want to call myself yet. The blog is called Sleeping Tiger, but it’s not the name I want to use for myself. I figure it will come to me some morning upon awakening. You just can’t rush these things. I will also eventually write an “About” page to explain why I chose Sleeping Tiger. It’s clear within myself why but I’m not so sure it will translate in words right now.
Overall I feel frustrated, overwhelmed, aggravated, anxious. I want to get to it while at the same time I want to avoid it. I want to avoid everything about it. The hard work, the emotions, the logistics of piecing it all back together, making myself vulnerable and putting myself out there. And then even looking back at the behavior of my family. Not just their behavior but my own. Talk about cringe-worthy and shame.